Help

Hello, I'm having a hard time working through my BPD. I've never had the chance to talk to someone with BPD on a personal level and was really hoping a place like this might help. It was talked about when I was younger, 18/19, that I had BPD but not diagnosed until recently at 29. I have other diagnoses that are common to BPD also that I'm trying to handle. I feel like I've hit a wall and even with all of the treatment I'm going through its just not enough.

Hello Momma. Welcome to our cozy little nook.

Do you care to share your other diagnoses... What treatment are you receiving... What questions/concerns are at this moment most pressing for you...

This information will help for others here to give helpful replies. You will find that there are many supportive people here as well as many that will relate to what you share.

Welcome!

I realize that this is a tough situation, and one a lot of us are stuck in. Please feel free to be as open as you need, and to let everything out. There are some amazing people here. Let me know if you need anything!

reflection wrote:Hello Momma. Welcome to our cozy little nook.

Do you care to share your other diagnoses... What treatment are you receiving... What questions/concerns are at this moment most pressing for you...

This information will help for others here to give helpful replies. You will find that there are many supportive people here as well as many that will relate to what you share.

I am open to sharing anything if it can help me navigate my way through my tough times!
My other diagnoses are ADHD, OCD and anxiety and panic disorders. I am currently on medications as a crutch to help me deal with everything else while I am working on treatment for BPD. I take:
Zoloft 150mg
Gabapentin 600mg 3x daily
Kolonipin .5mg 3x daily
Adderal XR 20mg morning/10mg afternoon
The meds have made a marked difference. Mostly with the OCD.
I am in a DBT group and I have one on one therapy once a week.
My fight right now is that I feel as if I don't know who I am. I've been broken down and don't know where to go from here. It's like I've been living a lie for 29 years. Btw...diagnoses only came within the last year, if that makes a difference. I feel I need to reprogram myself and don't know what the next step is or how to work through this. BPD is very emotional and I'm at the point I am feeling almost no emotion. It's actually very scary. I've shut down to autopilot and don't know how to fight through this to get back to feeling like I have something, anything in control. I feel like I've fallen apart and don't know where to start picking up the pieces and finding balance.

MommaMK23 wrote:My fight right now is that I feel as if I don't know who I am. I've been broken down and don't know where to go from here. It's like I've been living a lie for 29 years. Btw...diagnoses only came within the last year, if that makes a difference. I feel I need to reprogram myself and don't know what the next step is or how to work through this. BPD is very emotional and I'm at the point I am feeling almost no emotion. It's actually very scary. I've shut down to autopilot and don't know how to fight through this to get back to feeling like I have something, anything in control. I feel like I've fallen apart and don't know where to start picking up the pieces and finding balance.

It is common for many with BPD to feel as though they don't know who they are. You will see a mixture of both here. Those who lack identity but then there are those who very much seem to know exactly who they are.
I have no idea who I am. I do though know some of who I am suppose to be. I told my psychologist I often feel as though I am no one and yet everyone. I exist. I have a name. Someone is home. I just don't know her. She attempts to be true to everyone but herself. But even in doing that she fails because she is unable to maintain any of it.

I relate to the feeling as though I have been living a lie. For me it was more of a living in Oz and then literally one day having the realization of being back in Kansas. The thing is though I don't remember when I left Kansas. I just know that when I left I didn't have any intention of ever returning.

I do not start DBT until next week but I thought it was suppose to help with the next steps and the working through. The reprogramming. Has that not been the experience for you...

Your description of BPD being emotional and you shutting down. I have experienced this. Its a protective measure. Other than the diagnosis did you have something significant happen here recently... Some trauma... A triggering...

I love the comparison to Oz! That is a great way to explain it and spot on.
DBT is different for everyone is my belief. It is very beneficial but not for the internal hurdles I feel right now. I feel like its almost every skill to cope with the outside world you could use but in no way prepared me for the lack of emotion and identity I feel now. DBT is a great treatment and I will recommend it to anyone with or with out BPD. It's about learning skills to process stress and emotion in a more productive way to put it simply. It is part of the reprogramming but as I said not for the internal struggles of reprogramming. I keep seeing a word here, it's on the tip of my tongue....depersonalization I think. I had to look it up and that's it. That feels like the step I'm in right now and I've experienced it before but not while in treatment so I guess I wasn't aware as I am now.
Triggers.....it seems like everything and anything right now. I am going through a nasty divorce/custody with a very self centered, spiteful pathological lair. Most of my triggers stem from him. Recently I haven't had anything that would stand out as a trigger other than my normal that I'm working with.

The depersonalization would make sense with you going through a difficult divorce/custody proceeding. I think BPDs are overall sensitive (not like many think in a form of weakness though) and that our emotions are more extreme. So with what you are experiencing you may just be in overload and mentally be in need of a respite.