How do I make myself consistent?

Especially when I start to dissociate, I have a huge problem with keeping myself consistent. One moment, I'm cold and emotionless, and can't care about anyone. I'm emotionally tough. I don't want anyone in my life, and I end any relationships (not just romantic, sometimes also friendships) because they're no longer worth anything to me. I've come a long way on making it so that I procrastinate on cutting people out of my life so that i can get to a different mode where I don't want to lose them. But its still an issue.

Then there's that other side of me, that gets mad at myself for it. Who can't let go. Who always wants to cry and hates being alone. I hate this. especially since lately I've been depressed and numb and just feel like $#%^.

Part of me feels like I'm at the end of my life. As if I'm not going to be alive for much longer. I'm not entirely sure why I feel that way. Maybe its paranoia. Maybe its just fear that I might do something to myself when I get into those modes.

I have to wait for the end of August for my next psychiatrist appointment. The last one she was 15 minutes late till, I could only be there until my time was supposed to be up. Yeah... and she lectures me on being late. No help there. My psychologist just talks to me, but there's no solutions coming from her.

Though I have started to come to terms with the idea that this might be the end. I'm tired of being afraid of what I might end up doing to myself. I've accepted it. Sometimes, people aren't meant for much. I'm just one of those people.

To make me even rosier and happier, I found out I have shingles. That makes me feel so much better! Someone just shoot me!

Though alot of that "feeling like I'm at the end of my life" stuff is paranoia. I'm not even entirely sure what its about.

I officially don't even care about anything anymore. Not even myself. Never did to begin with. Yeah, how's that for consistent? Don't know what to think.

if there's one thing i'm good at being consistent at it's being consistently inconsistent.

Is the inconsistency like different ego states or ?

Schema therapy is sometimes good at adding consistency.

I have a difficult time with consistency because I mirror people and change environments so often. I am rarely the same person for an entire day. People from one circle would have no idea what happened to me if they saw me elsewhere.

Yeah. Don't know. I am so inconsistent.

When I saw the topic, even before I saw the thread itself or the replies, my first thought was "you're asking the wrong people." Unfortunately, as Wineaux said, inconsistency is the only thing we can be consistently counted on for. It's one of the hallmarks of BPD, and if we knew how to control that, we'd be making a lot of money writing "How To Beat BPD" books.

I know it's not easy, believe me. It'd be nice to have just one constant about yourself. Just to know that you'll always react a given way to a given thing, but even that just doesn't seem to happen. I guess that's why we're considered so difficult to deal with. If we don't know which way we're going at any given moment, how does the rest of the world?

katana wrote:Is the inconsistency like different ego states or ?

I used to think it was just my moods, but it doesn't really matter what kind of mood I'm in. As far as ego states are concerned, I'm unfamiliar with the freudian jargon. I'll have to look that up. It's mainly because I dissociate, and its like my entire emotional life is ripped right from my mind, as if it never occurred. At other times I have moods, I'm just masochistic. At other times, I'm normal!

I'm just in different mindsets when I do it. It's still just me. I just wish I could be someone consistent and solid, and not just someone who is largely built up to deal with whatever I'm feeling at the present time. That's why I post in the ASPD section so much lately, alot of them see right through the masks I'm putting up that I use to even hide me from myself sometimes, so I get defensive and though I deny it, I know afterward they're right in pointing out that I'm trying to make myself big and scary when I get into my modes where my thoughts just get darker and darker. It makes me feel bigger and scarier than what's at that time weighing down on me. It gives me the drive to conquer whatever I'm struggling with.

It's hard to move past that stage though, where I have to wear these masks. Because I don't always know nor see that I'm wearing them. I just do it. I always have. It's like me as a person never quite existed, never developed, because "me" was made to show the world that I'm a capable me, who is able to survive, who won't give up, who is everything he says he is; but at the same time, half of who I say I am, I'm not. I'm trying to get past this, and it seems to be getting worse not better. And my therapist is actually aggravating the problem (not in the sense of making me angry, but in the sense of making the problem worse). In trying to help me, she's painted this picture of me and tries to convince me that I might have problems a certain way, and because I can be suggestible at times, sometimes I say, "oh that makes sense..." then later I realize, it actually kinda doesn't make complete sense.... Then again, nothing ever does in my life....

Hence, another layer to the consistency problem... it's almost like a "me" doesn't exist to be consistent and be known and understood.

JohnnyBlaze wrote:When I saw the topic, even before I saw the thread itself or the replies, my first thought was "you're asking the wrong people." Unfortunately, as Wineaux said, inconsistency is the only thing we can be consistently counted on for. It's one of the hallmarks of BPD, and if we knew how to control that, we'd be making a lot of money writing "How To Beat BPD" books.

I know it's not easy, believe me. It'd be nice to have just one constant about yourself. Just to know that you'll always react a given way to a given thing, but even that just doesn't seem to happen. I guess that's why we're considered so difficult to deal with. If we don't know which way we're going at any given moment, how does the rest of the world?

Every time I think I've found some kind of constant about myself, I prove myself wrong. I realize I'm probably asking people who have the same problem how to solve something we all struggle with. Though at least I posted it in the right forum.

I'm happy about one thing though. I'm in the same mood I was in when I posted this. Mainly because something got me thinking. Otherwise, if I'd had read this earlier, I'd be like, "what the heck was I posting? I'm just making that up... of course I'm always consistent!" (yeah.... consistent..... so totally.... I'll say to myself later....)