My First Rantpage :)

I joined this forum because I need to get some help and support, or whatever the ###$. I'm not normal, supposedly like a lot of you, and I can't imagine what it must be like to feel "normal" but apparently people recover from this "BPD" label they stuck on my forehead at the beginning of this year. Because of who/how I am, I don't think I should stay in anyone's life long enough for them to get to know the real me who hurts people. I am a miserable human being to live with and yet people tell me not to kill myself and they don't want me to die. I can't understand this unless I must benefit their life in some way and I can't figure out what benefit I am to anyone, although my husband does get a lot of nooky. I think they're all afraid of feeling or appearing guilty. Who wants to come out and say, "You're right. You are an emotionally retarted asshole who is nothing but a leech on society and you're mostly a burden to everyone around you. My life would be a lot easier if you weren't in it. Can I help you with loading the gun?" I know that there are times when people feel absolute cold hatred for me because I'm also "blessed" with being an extrasensory empath. I can feel everything and I always know the truth, which can be especially confusing for me when I make myself believe the lies. My husband believes he loves me, and I know this to be true. I believe it is because I put a spell on him, not intentionally, but I have not known about my power until recently. Okay that sounds a little weird, but I truly have an effect on peoples' emotions, and they have just as strong or stronger an effect on mine too. I haven't learned to really control it but I am becoming aware of how strong it is, and even stronger depending on the other person. SO what I was trying to say is that I made him love me because my feelings for him were always so strong. Don't call me an asshole for dehumanizing him with my beliefs because I am not taking any power away from him. I have felt hatred and confusion from him and extreme disgust, even though he does so well to portray a good man, he can't hide his Humanity from me. I am so horrible to be around that no one can help but want to get away. Now, certainly I can be as kind and gentle as a lamb. Or, one minute I am laughing and then suddenly I am sobbing so hard that I feel like I could explode and the pain comes out of nowhere. It hurts so much that I spread it to everyone around me because I can't ######6 carry it all, and people who are really close to me or around me a lot will soak it up without realizing it, and they can get almost as depressed as I do. SO tell me, why should I be allowed to live if I hurt people? Isn't that the goal of society, to put away or take the life of these kinds of people? Why am I allowed in public? Ohmygodawfulness where is the humor in the situation when you need it most?!

littlearcher wrote:first of all, welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing...

you sound pretty distressed and upset.

i wonder, is this how you always feel? or did you have a particularly challenging day?

I don't know how to answer that, so I guess I am unaware of my feelings a lot of the time. I know that I can be feeling no certain way, but when I sit down and write, the sort of things that come out are angry and sad. I try to make myself think and write about things that I'm grateful for and sometimes it works while other times it makes me more angry because as grateful as I am, I can't feel happy and enjoy anything. I wish I was dead almost all of the time, but I can't bear the burden of taking my own life for the sake of what chaos may be left behind. I am afraid of the moments that come every so often when that just doesn't matter to me anymore. My wish for death does not come after feeling sorry for myself, it comes after feeling sorry for everyone who chooses to deal with me.
The only therapy I haven't tried is DBT, and there is not a place close to where I live in Northwest Ohio that specializes in DBT. I have been treated by a couple of different therapists, mostly with CBT, and it really hasn't worked for me so far so I don't waste money on it anymore. I have taken pretty much every medication for bi-polar because that was my diagnosis for most of 2012. From January through June, I have taken numerous drugs for the symptoms of BPD and depression. When the medications have not made me feel even more suicidal, I mostly have felt numb and even more out of place, as if someone else was living my life. During moments of what should have been full of joy, I felt more like an untied balloon, inflated with happiness that quickly leaked out. I enjoy being numb, but not in that closed-off way. I would rather feel like myself, looking through a screen, than to feel like someone else looking at myself through iron bars. I stopped taking all of my synthetic medications in June. My body is very sensitive to man-made products, from fabric softener to genetically modified foods. It would only make sense then, that it would reject such harsh chemicals. My doctor just confuses the hell out of me when I talk to him about the medications. His words come out like a contradictory sales pitch, "I understand what you're saying and I agree that the medications aren't good for you to be on long-term, but I think with just a little bit of Prozac..." Are you ######6 kidding me?! I had so much respect for him in January when we met for the first time; he was the first doctor who really seemed to care about who I was and what I had to offer the world. I thought he would help me treat the problem instead of the symptoms but something got lost somewhere. The last time I saw him he looked depressed and exhausted himself and I felt horrible for him. I feel like it's my fault... this disease that I keep spreading.
There was a period of time I felt on top of the world and strong enough to handle anything. It lasted maybe about a month or two and came promptly after I had made a decision not to be a victim. I remind myself of this time with hope that I will again be able to force myself into more positive thinking, but I have lost hope and can't seem to find that part of me anymore.

littlearcher wrote:i generally experienced (my feelings) as something incredibly intense and hard to bear so i think i ended up putting off thinking about them a lot of the time. does that sound like something you might be experiencing?

if so, i am happy to share the steps i ended up taking to try and become more aware of my feelings which also had the bonus of making them a bit more manageable most of the time.

littlearcher, I really value your insight. Thank you for your thoughtfulness. Please do share your mindfulness remedy with me; I am willing to try anything. Although, I am honestly quite afraid to allow myself to become more aware of my emotions because when they are real and in my face I find it even more difficult to bear living. Easier to be numb.