Me now.. Maybe *trig*

First of all il apologise for how long this is, I'm new here. And I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place.

My name is Sophie I am a 23 year old girl. I started self harming at the age of 14- when I was
bullied at school. For a while I had no one, until a new girl joined the school. this girl was very depressed, bulimic and a self harmer, we were instantly "best friends" though looking back it was an unhealthy relationship- she got me into trouble and was only "happy" when I was miserable, I was just glad someone wanted to be my friend. I idolised her, like I do with so many people I meet. I find myself wanting to become them, il watch a film and decide I have to become like a character I took a shining to, I try to imitate friends behaviours in the hope my life will become more like theirs. It has always been the same.

I have had 3 intense and erratic relationships. I've been with my Current partner for 8 months and have a daughter from a previous relationship. It just seems that every time I have a boyfriend I turn into some kind of psycho - it's never so bad when I'm on my own. At the start it is always so magical, with all three I have instantly "fell" for them and felt compelled to make them "mine"- which I always manage to do. The first three or four months will be perfect, until I've "got" them. Then it will start, the arguments, the anger, the irrationality, the paranoia. I've been treated badly in the past by my exes, the last one was manipulative and controlling but I stayed with him, maybe because in a way I enjoyed it. My current boyfriend tries hard for me, but I constantly fault him, we argue and I tell him to leave but as soon as he says ok I am clinging to him, screaming begging him not to go. I've run down the road in no shoes or underwear screaming at him about how he doesn't care and always leaves. I've manipulated him with threats of self harm and iv done it to hurt him cos I know how upset hel be when he sees the cuts, knowing it was "his" fault. I'm a horrible person ;'( and I feel so guilty and hopeless. My whole life i feel like I'm in a constant turmoil- all I want to feel inside is peace and calm, but my moods are beyond erratic and I can switch in an instant. The slightest criticism or bit of bad news and I immediately sink into a depression, even if its not that bad.
I can't explain but it's like the emotions I feel are amplified 10 times inside my head. Sometimes they are so intense I feel like il explode inside, this is when I turn to self harm. I'd stopped for a while but this year I have started again and I hate it. .

hi there flowergirl -

we have a lot of simalarities and i can see little glimpses of me in your stories. your pain is so palpable throughout your post! i'm sorry you're experiencing so much right now. what do you like to do that makes you center? it looks as if something/someone has triggered you deeply and you're desperate to release that pain. i find focusing on something that keeps me at peace (an animal) and blocking out the rest can calm me tremendously. do you have something like that? perhaps looking into your precious child's eyes a mere giggle from being tickled I imagine sounds pretty sweet!

Thanks for your reply, I didn't think anyone would! My pets and my daughter make me happiest, but I'm so full of guilt that somehow iv already ruined my her life and she deserves better than me. I hate that she sees me cry every day I'm so scared that she will turn into me. I never want her to feel the pain.
Iv seen doctors, counsellors and psychiatrists throughout my life and iv been diagnosed with depression but some things just don't fit, it's ruining my relationship. The last two times I saw psychiatrists they pretty much told me I didn't need to be there, iv only recently found out properly about bpd, I can relate to so much but I don't know if its me or not or if I'm just clutching at straws trying to find a label for what I'm feeling.

I've tried a few different anti depressants the latest one iv started is Prozac which iv been on for a week now, I just feel at a loss, I really don't know what I'm going to do if this doesn't work. I can't go on feeling this way, I don't know what's real and what's not sometimes ? Sometimes I think I'm starting to "see things clearly" and that I don't want to be with my partner anymore.. But I know if I told him to leave I'd be begging for him back in a few days time.
I used to self medicate with alcohol drugs and sex but even they don't feel good anymore.
All I've done is talk about myself , I sound so self centred, I apologise. I'm just sick of this:(

when you say, the idolizing while watching a movie, or imitating a friend, i am also like that. i do that a lot

dont apologize for ranting on this forum. bpd is a serious challenge. you're helping yourself

by posting your challenge, your helping yourself. we have a right to seek help, we have a right to smile

Yeah it's really weird, sometimes i wonder if my idolising my friend at school and wanting to "be" her is what caused all my problems, but she was always the one with "real" problems .. And It feels like all my life I've been trying to fit in, and I never have

Thank you. I dunno why I always feel the need to apologise for myself .. Xxx

I can relate to you in so many ways. It's good that you're recognizing something isn't right and you're taking the steps to seek help so you and your daughter can live in peace.

I'm married, but all my relationships have been strained. My love life is still tumultuous and I've driven my husband out of the house several times only to go chasing after him within minutes screaming and crying. It's not healthy. I've never cut myself on purpose, but I've always been a binge eater (no purging) which IMO is another form of self harm.

Have you been diagnosed with borderline yet? I was diagnosed in 2010 and didn't find out until 2012, but it really makes perfect sense. I say continue with the therapy.

It's hard work isn't it?
I feel constantly drained. Iv had such a bad evening, my daughters dads girlfriend has started picking on me for no reason, last week it was criticising the way I cut my daughters fringe, accusing me of being too tight to pay for a haircut, that she's "concerned" about my daughter ... These r the most hurtful things anyone could say to me ever let alone right now, I'd do anything for my girl,
It feels like everyone is out to get me. I don't know why
To top it off a huge argument with my boyfriend- as I was upset and I sat on my
Own in the garden crying for ages, he decided to go to bed , I was hysterical and he was ignoring me. When I said u don't care do u he said no and then of course it all blew up and went very bad.
I think it's really over this time.

I haven't been diagnosed. Iv been back and forth to the doctors for the last 6 months and gt a psychiatric referral last week, I told the psychiatrist everything and she pretty much blew me off.. She told me to see how I go for 6 months with some counselling- bpd wasn't mentioned. I was so open with her it felt like such a nock, the same thing happened two years ago. I just don't know what I'm meant to do it seems I'm destined to live this life?!

What let to ur diagnosis? Surely if I had this disorder the psych would have noticed, I just don't know how they can so easily let u walk away after I'd told her about the chronic empty feelings,
Self harm , feeling trapped in this life .. Everything's just getting too much :@