Everything's SH*T

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URGH.
I am sick of everything.
I'm seriously considering withdrawing all my money (which is not a lot fyi) & just running away.
Anywhere.
I'm surrounded by people who hurt me, who I can't trust, who USE me.
I can't deal with my mum. She's so angry all the time. I can see myself in her. I can see WHY I ended up this way. She's damaging my little sister the way she damaged me and I can't do anything about it. I can't watch my baby sister turn into me.
My head is spinning and I can't concentrate. I ######6 HATE this feeling. It always comes back.
I'm unravelling again. I haven't cut myself in 3 weeks now and it's all I can think about.
I'm still not in therapy.
I want to be back in hospital. I shouldn't have discharged myself. I should have stayed and got real help.
My step sister's just found out she's pregnant. She's 22, 3 years younger than me and she's in the worst position to be having a child and she WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
It's reminding me of my termination and my brain won't stop.
I feel fat and disgusting and empty and ugly and hduef7rehf93hf8rhfnur9hfurefrie
ARGH.

Yup. It takes a lifetime but we finally realize that life is a sewer sandwich.
We can't win, we can't quit, and we can't change the game.

I've been trying the "geographic cure" all my life. It doesn't seem to help.
My next leap may be to the desert, that is, solitude.
It's too painful to think of myself as the problem so I blame others.

I tried keeping in touch with others.
But I don't get any email, phone calls, or visits from friends or family
so I gave up working to maintain those failed relationships.

I love house cats but that's a simplistic notion and I'm not persistent at housekeeping.

I'll never go back to the hospital. I prefer my solitude.
But I'm much older and it took a lot of years to become this misanthropic.

Curiosity helps. Tomorrow's story is not the same.

Yeah, I don't think running away would really help my situation.
It just feels like the only option at the moment.
I don't think i'd get too far with £60 though so it probably won't happen.

I constantly felt like I was the one making the effort with friends/family etc. So I stopped. And now I don't see them anymore. Sooo I guess I was right. It did bother me but now I don't think I care anymore.

Things were awful in hospital but it was a pleasant escape. One that I could do with right now.

I appreciate your thoughts on cats. I fully agree. My cat is a legend and the only thing in my life that hasn't managed to massively piss me off if I'm honest.

I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in. It really sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. I'm glad you were able to finally get away from people who you felt didn't appreciate you. No one deserves to feel that way. I know a hospital feels like an escape, but is it a good one?

I love my cat as well. Sometimes I feel like she's the only one who truly understands. I just feel like animals get things better than people. And that they're willing to forgive and love no matter what.

aliveatnight wrote:I'm sorry to hear the situation you're in. It really sounds like you're dealing with a lot right now. I'm glad you were able to finally get away from people who you felt didn't appreciate you. No one deserves to feel that way. I know a hospital feels like an escape, but is it a good one?

I love my cat as well. Sometimes I feel like she's the only one who truly understands. I just feel like animals get things better than people. And that they're willing to forgive and love no matter what.

No hospital isn't really a good way of escaping. I think it was good for me when I was actually there because I was in a pretty bad place and didn't trust myself to keep myself safe. But no, it's not a good place to be in general really. Urgh. Sorry i'm rambling. Brain's all muddled. Yeah, cat's are definitely brilliant

littlearcher wrote:hi ophelia,
sounds like you're in a really bad place, at the moment.

it's pretty awful when you are constantly getting triggered by certain people who are close to you.

is there any way that you can set some boundaries with your mother for your own peace of mind? i'd be happy to talk about it with you as that's something i've done that has made a huge difference for me.

sending so many hugs your way <3

Hi littlearcher, yeah everyone is absolutely doing my head in at the moment. Friends, family, everything. I feel like every little negative comment is directed at me. I'm so paranoid at the moment.

And yeah, I find it very difficult with my mum. I do love her but we have a very complex relationship and many unresolved issues. She won't admit anything's wrong with her but she CLEARLY has BPD too.

When she's aware i'm on a downer or if i'm feeling suicidal or anything like that, she's brilliant. She makes an effort not to put any stress on me or bring up anything she knows will trigger me. But when she thinks i'm okay she'll quite easily drop into the conversation subjects I really don't want to talk/think about. She was telling me the other day about her sex life with the guy that abused me ffs! No boundaries whatsoever. But that's just how I was raised. I can't bare to even hear his name let alone information like that!

And she's so angry at everything a lot of the time. It brings back memories of when I was younger. I never really considered this but there was a lot of unintented neglect/emotional abuse on her part. I just don't want to upset her by bringing all this up.

A report I had from a psychologist said something along the lines of 'despite a long history of ancestoral madness on the maternal side ***** is a very intelligent girl who is aware there is a lot of hard work to be done but is willing to work at making changes' ...despite the positive remarks about me all she saw was the 'negative' about her. She went mad, insisting there was nothing wrong with her etc. Urgh I don't know. I'm putting this all on my mum but it's not just her at the moment, it's everything.

I have a very close friend who I work with and she knows everything about me, and I her. It's a pretty intense relationship. She suffers with depression and she's very, very low at the moment. Signed off work and spending all day every day drinking in bed. I'm ringing her every day to make sure she's okay but she's so similar to me. The way she feels and the things she says when she's depressed, I don't know how to help her and make her feel better when I feel the same. And hearing her talk like this is upsetting me. I know that sounds so selfish. But it's true.

And all I can think about right now is cutting myself. I really, really need to. I can't get the thoughts out of my head and I don't know what to do.

Sorry, this is SUCH an epic essay. You don't have to respond I just had to get it all out.

I'm okay don't worry, i'll be okay. I've just taken A zopiclone to help knock me out so hopefully i'll be asleep soon and my brain will shut the hell up. I'll be okay though, i've felt way, way worse than this before and i'm still here. Meh.

I'm really worried about you too. My father is the same way as your mom, so I truly understand. Please keep yourself safe. I know self harm feels right, but I promise it isn't. I know how tempting it is though.
Please get some rest. You deserve it and I think it'll do you some good.

Thanks aliveatnight, I appreciate it. Didn't really sleep that well but meh, what can you do? Sorry for being such a rain cloud. I feel like all I ever do is moan and vent and rage on here. But I guess that's kinda the point. How do you deal with your dad? Do you still have a relationship with him?

I'm sorry to hear about how your sleep went. Are you feeling any better today? It's completely fine, it's good to let it all out. Don't even worry about it! I can't. I still live with him, so by force I have to be around him. But I become so snappy and loud and physically aggressive (which I'm not like normally). It's really bad for me to be around him.

Hi there!
Its a shame you don't have more money cuz I would tell you to get the hell away from your mum or whoever else in your life who is hurting you. Even if its only temporary, which is what I did. I had about 400 bucks, my car and my little dog and I took off. It helped me immensely! WHen I left I thought it was going to be forever. I wanted to live a thousand miles away from my family-the biggest triggers I know. Eventually I ran out of money. But I did manage 22 days and 2500 miles as a vagabond! And it was one of the best things Ive ever done! It was very therapeutic. It spent alot of time in nature. I was finally free and pretty relaxed.
As adult children, I think we feel obligated to be near our parents. Even if its a subconscious thing. But I had to realize myself that we are NOT obligated to be around ANYONE who hurts us! Family or not! If the arguing is constant. If there is constant criticism and discord. Emotional abuse. You can go. Get yourself OUT of the invalidating environment! The only thing that brought me home was the fact that I am somewhat financially dependent on them. Ugh. Im already planning my next trip!