The battle inside

The battle inside

Following a close friends suicide, I've been triggered but not as bad as I expected. Things are looking good for my future, career wise. I'm happy about that and excited to get my teeth into something that suits me.

I keep having recurrent nightmares that my friend who killed herself shot herself in the face in front of me, with a crowd of people watching me watch her.

I know I've got an 'internal battle' going on inside me. Like most, I've got two extremely opposite sides to perceiving a situation, reacting, thinking etc. and likewise my lifestyle reflects this. I've got friendships which are on the straight and narrow and rarely involve booze to extreme amounts and I've got friendships that involve a lot of weed smoking, partying and cocaine.

I feel like a rag doll Inbetween these two groups, as they don't like each other! I always make very dramatic strong willed friends who are like marmite. I love it, but alot of my friends end up hating my other friends and so I can't invite everyone together kinda thing.

Anyway, I'm going off point. I'm smoking a LOT of weed. Daily. I feel like my friends suicide is 'feeding' my dark side and self destructive behaviours. I haven't self harmed or anything, which I've managed to keep at bay. But I'm thinking "what harm is weed gonna do?!?" It chills me out so I don't feel uptight or think too much when I just get myself into a mess.

So this internal battle is this self destructive side battling my career driven excited side.

With this - I'm withdrawing a little from telling my close friends everything. I'm not opening up as much, I don't want too.

Had to get that out, don't even know if it makes any sense.

Ciao.

hey becca -

i think it's totally the norm for us to cope through self-medication, withdrawal, silence, internal battles...i definitely can empathize with that! i'm truly, truly sorry for your loss. there will always be unanswered questions and thoughts that we burden ourselves with. grieve in your own way! don't rush yourself! expect setbacks! and be prepared for painful reminders are you talking to a support group? there is a forum here if you haven't meandered over there...

in regards to the painful dream...i'm a firm believer in dream analysis and pulled this up. what do you think?

To see someone commit suicide in you dream, highlights your concerns for that person. Consider what characteristics and qualities in that person you may be trying to "kill" and annihilate in your own self. Perhaps you hope that you are not like this person and are making attempts to get rid of those traits within your own self.