Wife declared: she will not support me

I recently found out I might have BPD and also, my wife has recently declared that she's had enough and wants to "develop her own identity".

Yesterday night, she very clearly said to me:

I'm not going to read all your books and then support you. I'm not the person to support you. Don't look to me for reassurance or support.

Those words really pierced me. I think she means that she wants me to depend on the psychiatrist and other friends to get me through this. However, I had her angry voice ringing in my head all night and I felt so alone. Isn't marriage the one place where you should unconditionally love and support each other? I don't get the point of marriage if not.

I this decade long marriage to work - not just for me but for the sake of my two young kids. I love them very much.

I feel so sad right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I wish my wife would want to hear.

Hi... so sorry to hear this. Family coming to terms with things is probably the hardest part about having a disorder such as this.

You said this is recent, so she may just be scared. I know from listening to my loved ones that finding out someone close to you has a disorder is really scary. Almost as upsetting for them as it is for us and while some deal with it by finding out as much as they can, getting very close etc, other may deal with it by closing themselves off. Your wife's way of coping could be shutting herself off from you. That doesn't excuse telling you that she won't support you, but it explains a little bit. Is that how she copes with other things, or is this an odd behavior for her?

Try approaching her about this when you're both very calm. Tell her that what she said really upset you. Tell her what you told us. Try to ease her into the idea, maybe. Communication is key, as cliche as that sounds. Let her adjust bit by bit, and in the mean time, use your other resources (your friends and psychiatrist, as you mentioned... and the forums, of course!) for support.

I really hope everything works out. I've found that time is one of the best bandages and learned that people say things they don't mean when stressed (myself included).

Newguy143 wrote:I recently found out I might have BPD and also, my wife has recently declared that she's had enough and wants to "develop her own identity".

Yesterday night, she very clearly said to me:

I'm not going to read all your books and then support you. I'm not the person to support you. Don't look to me for reassurance or support.

Those words really pierced me. I think she means that she wants me to depend on the psychiatrist and other friends to get me through this. However, I had her angry voice ringing in my head all night and I felt so alone. Isn't marriage the one place where you should unconditionally love and support each other? I don't get the point of marriage if not.

I this decade long marriage to work - not just for me but for the sake of my two young kids. I love them very much.

I feel so sad right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I wish my wife would want to hear.

Hi Newguy143,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's hard for me not to be mad at your wife for saying what she said to you, but again, we can't imagine what it's like to be a Non.

The best advice I can give you is to try and ease her into the situation you both are now faced with. Try and explain it to her, bit by bit. We BPDs understand all of it, but Nons (like your wife) need to be eased into understand it (small pieces, at a time). Explain to her how the kids would be affected by this whole situation. It's important for her to participate in your recovery, not only for your sake, but for everyone's sake.

Maybe her initial reaction reflected that she was overwhelmed by your initial confession to her about your condition. See if you can explain it to her in terms or language that are more middle-ground (more "normal" sounding, if that makes sense).

Good luck, man ! Sincerely. I feel the most for your two kids.

- The Lilodian

Thank you so much for your responses. I realised that may be I feel angry with her for being so dismissive of me. For you guys to express that anger was helpful because I realised that may be, that's what I'm feeling.

Yet at the same time, I just want to lie down and let her tread on me. In a weird way, at least I'd feel useful in life.

I don't think she feels worried about my potential condition. It's just that over a decade, she has tried to make me "not worried" by trying to be who she thinks I want. But actually, all I wanted was for her to reassure me in little chunks. Yesterday, another phrase she used a lot was "it's annoying"... She feels it annoying that I keep asking her for reassurance. So now, I've stopped and I've shut down. I want to help her in her issues and I'm trying to pray for her despite me being broken myself!

She read the eggshells book by that anti-BPD woman and I feel worried that is going to be the only book she ends up reading about BPD. It's so anti- who I am that I feel she misunderstands things and for example, thinks I'm manipulative. I don't feel I can win.

I want her to be happy and often, I can really see that is without me but I can't help but keep loving my kids - I know they'd be better with me in their life and with two parents who are married and in love.

Right now, I find it hard to have hope that the love will come back. If there's anyone out there, please pray for me (J) and my wife (T).

You guys are great...

Newguy143 wrote:I recently found out I might have BPD and also, my wife has recently declared that she's had enough and wants to "develop her own identity".

how are you coping with your new dx? are you feeling alone? do you need her support? what kind of therapy are you currently in? dbt? talk? schema?

Yesterday night, she very clearly said to me:
I'm not going to read all your books and then support you. I'm not the person to support you. Don't look to me for reassurance or support.

ouch! how incredibly invalidating to hear. i'm sorry you had to listen to your spouse utter such malevolence. you didn't deserve that. it's not about you...she sounds as if she's projecting especially considering your first statement of her wanting to 'develop her own identity.'

Those words really pierced me. I think she means that she wants me to depend on the psychiatrist and other friends to get me through this. However, I had her angry voice ringing in my head all night and I felt so alone. Isn't marriage the one place where you should unconditionally love and support each other? I don't get the point of marriage if not.

i'm glad you're using your feeling words here...although i understand that you are angry, it's really more hurt than anything. it's betrayal. she's not on the same page as you are right now as she's struggling as well. are you aware of what she's struggling with? not that her issues are more important or should overshadow yours...it just seems as if she's definitely conflicted.

I this decade long marriage to work - not just for me but for the sake of my two young kids. I love them very much.

I feel so sad right now. I just want someone to listen to me and I wish my wife would want to hear.

i'm sure she wants to hear you, i just don't know if she's ready or has the capacity to if she is battling her own demons. it's difficult in any relationship if both members are in need of support/help. there isn't a strong one to take on the needs of the other.

on a positive note, i'd like to welcome you to the forum. it takes a lot of courage to come here and share. thank you for allowing us into your life and to help guide you in any way we can. there is a tremendous amount of support here and some of the lovelies people i've ever e-met. i hope you can find some solace here.

e-hugs,

wineaux[/quote]

I am so so sorry your wife is being like this with you. I can relate in some ways, my whole family have completely pushed me out of the family cause of my bpd, especially my mum who will not even accept the fact that I have bpd. It is really hard, and the past couple of weeks have been well very hard and feelings of hopelessness. However, although I still have not gotten over it totally I have realised that the best thing to do is just accept it. Don't fight it. Don't fight for someones support as it will give you false hope and then you will have a bigger fall. Accept that your wife will not support you, try to come to terms with it. If she changes her mind to support you then fantastic but if not at least you know where you stand.
I would recommend to just try to get as much help from your psychiatrist and also if you have a friend that you can confide in then confide in them and allow them to help you get through this. It's gonna be tough, my goodness this health condition is hard enough but when those closest to you don't support you it makes life so much harder. But just accept the things you can't change, one of them being your wife and focus on getting better for you and your kids. Your kids are so important, be the best parent you possibly can to them please. And also everyone on here is amazing, whilst you may have some friends to confide in they may not understand however most people here will and honestly I have found the support of this forum fantastic! Good luck to you and I hope for your sake you are able to push out of the sadness and focus on getting better for you and your kids. I know it is so much easier said than done, but you can do it

I can't imagine how much that would have stung to hear. I'm so sorry she said that to you. No one deserves that. I really believe that she was more projecting than trying to attack you, something may be going on with her as well. If you can, perhaps sit down and talk to her about all this.

I can relate in that my family will never support me, as they don't understand and refuse to accept that I even have it. It's incredibly hard. But please, until she is able to calm down and be willing to help you, please turn to the support that you have. Friends, psychiatrist, and us here will always be here.

Please stay strong, I know things feel so bleak now, but they will improve in time.

Wow man Im so sorry! That's really harsh, cold, selfish and invalidating! This is the one person you would expect to support you the most. Sounds like she may have her own issues. Has she been diagnosed with anything? Her comment about having her own identity is strange and is indicative of her perhaps having issues of her own. If she wont support you, she shouldn't have married you! That is what marriage is all about -supporting each other in good AND bad times. I would let her sit with your diagnoses for a while, then when she has had some time to digest it all, I would tell her that her refusal to support you in this is simply unacceptable. Shes your wife for gods sake! Remind her of her vow-in sickness and in health. One of the hardest things for a BPD to deal with is feeling like no one understands you. If she refuses to get informed about your diagnoses then she is refusing to even try and understand you! This is NOT ok! If you were newly diagnosed with diabetes or cancer or something, she would be an evil witch for saying I will not support you in that. BPD is no different! It is an illness. Maybe not a deadly one but possibly. It is a long road and a long fight. You need her in your corner!

You guys are such a support and I want to thank you. I thought it would be good to give an update a few days in...

I'm in a good place at the moment. Since that heated debate with my wife, I think she did have a sleep and think a bit more about things. She has since asked what sort of books she should read which means she's open. I do feel very blessed that she chose me to be her husband - at times, we can all say things that we don't mean but what I love about her is that often a nights sleep seems to help.

I think the invalidation has been a key point. In the past, I've had a lot of invalidation from others as well which I think may have reinforced my worries. For example, I think I feel worried about things such as infidelity and instead of my wife/others just saying "no", they say things such as "you shouldn't feel like that". To be fair, they also didn't know I might have BPD.

You guys have been great. I don't know you personally but it's amazing that, through technology, you had a tangible affect on things inside me. If you think about that, it's pretty amazing.

Thank you!

Thanks for the update! I was wondering how things were going for you.

I'm glad to hear that she has since settled down. You make a valid point in saying we all say things we don't mean.
Perhaps now you can explain these things to the people you are close to, to hopefully minimize the amount of invalidation they unintentionally do.

Newguy143 wrote:You guys have been great. I don't know you personally but it's amazing that, through technology, you had a tangible affect on things inside me. If you think about that, it's pretty amazing.

Yes! I completely agree, and you were able to put it into words I never knew how to explain this affect.