What a rough therapy session. *trigger*

So, I went and saw my therapist yesterday, after she has been gone for a week. I felt like a child going in there. I honestly haven't been that happy in my whole life, at least not for a while. I rung her buzzer, and when it let me in, I RAN up the stairs so fast I thought my flip flops might come off, then practically skipped to her office, then flopped on the chair in her waiting room to wait for her to come get me. I didn't even care that she had someone in there before me who was just coming out (I usually get jealous). When I got in there, she asked how I was doing and I told her I was happy now. Of course, she dug deeper. "How were you before?" I told her about how much I cut. She asked to see my arm, something she never does. She thinks it might be becoming its own thing, and a way of me saying "fxxk off" to her since she left me alone.

And then we delved into my past. I wasn't ready for this because I was just expecting to talk about my self injury for a bit and how happy I was that she was back. Nope. And I came out feeling awful. I can't believe the mood switch from yesterday before our session to now. It's like polar opposites.

Last night, I kept disassociating. I wasn't aware I was doing it until my friend asked, "Are you okay?' We were driving in the car and I had basically driven past where I was supposed to turn and didn't notice until miles later. I didn't remember going past where I was supposed to have turned. I was so confused and kept going in and out from that moment on. I would just turn quiet and go in my head or something. I don't know where I went. I would remember one moment and not the next. My friend had to come home with me, hold me, and keep me safe because I was thinking of suicide and cutting myself because of the session. She pushed too hard, too fast, and way too soon after she came back.

I was wondering if this has happened to anyone here? I know therapy isn't really fun and believe me, in the last year since I have entered this therapy (which is more intense and more 'real' than other therapies I've been in), I've had bad days. But still. This felt like it was a little too much. Maybe she touched on something that she shouldn't have? Went somewhere no one went before that upset me? We did talk about a lot of really crappy stuff that went on in my past. But I thought i was done with all that. I wouldn't be surprised if it had some type of effect on me, but not this badly. So has anyone freaked out after therapy or am I alone?

I can relate to what you're describing. I see this as pulling of scabs, or peeling an onion, whatever we want to call it. There are traumas under these layers and some of them are going to be really intense and overwhelming when they come to light. I hope you can keep faith that at least part of what you're dealing with is a process, and that the work of experiencing the distress is part of the healing. That by going through this you're making progress toward the goal of living more well in the future.

I've had this happen, whether it was triggered by someone else or me trying to understand myself. I'm sorry you were pushed so much, I'm glad your friend was there for you. The pain of this will pass, and perhaps it will bring more things to light and allow you some closure with it.

I do remember when I would leave therapy before feeling somewhat dissociated from it. I just felt numb afterwards. I hated that. I hope you start feeling better.

Thanks you two for the support and understanding.
I'm feeling much better. I went to group therapy today and we did an exercise where we all said what we'd think of each other if we met each other under different circumstances. It was really fun. I got called a nerd, and I wear that label proudly. ^_^ It helped bring me out of the weird funk and I'm no longer disassociating.
I'm still uneasy about therapy. I wish she didn't push so hard so fast, you know? Just let me be happy in my little space. I've been successful in distracting myself from it. I've read, wrote some things, and somehow channeled my adult, intellectual side through this. I also really feel like I want to be a therapist, something I wasn't so sure I'd be good at even though I'm going into it. Anyway, I digress. I'm feeling better. Thanks for everything

I'm really glad that you're doing better. That sounds like an interesting little thing to have done
Perhaps express that next time. Tell her you aren't comfortable with that intensity, and would like things to slow down. Hopefully it'll help avoid any repeats.

I bet you'll be a great therapist! Good luck with your goal