The fairness game.

This may sound childish, but I can't help feeling that this is all unfair. Thee amount of work and effort I have to put in just to think like a normal person! I'm constantly talking myself through the day! It's exhausting! Don't get angry. Don't get depressed. Don't cry. Stop worrying. Look at the facts. What are the feels that I'm acting upon? Don't cut your wrist, it's not worth it. Don't burn your arm, you'll let people down. Don't throw up again. Stop being so mean to everyone. Don't drink to much tonight. Don't let that guy come home with you. Your not ugly, your just tearing yourself down. Calm down, your not invincible. Just let it go.
I can't help but turn green with jealously knowing that other people can easily name their favorite activities and hobbies. But not me. I can't remember the last time I did something on my own. Something I enjoyed without being influenced by another person. I sat with my journal open one night, begging to a god that I don't believe in, to help me come up with things I truly love doing. But instead I was left with a blank page and a knot in my stomach. Why didn't I have a hobby?
Everyone has a hobby!
Everyone likes to do SOMETHING on their own.
Not me.

maybe it's out there waiting to be discovered. i discovered my hobby at 16. may discover it later, many earlier

till 16 even i used to have similar thoughts about not having a hobby

as for the conversations you have with yourself, its ok. even i have it. it's ok

i tire my body at times, tiring the bod relaxes the mind

I totally understand where you are coming from where it's really frustrating to have to put so much effort into getting through a day. I just had an argument about this with my boyfriend. He got all upset because I ended up getting angry over something he said. (in a typical bpd way) This just made me angry and yell that he doesn't understand how much effort it takes for me to not do things like that, and that he should give me credit for how far I've come. He just think's it's me saying that it's okay if I get upset because I have BPD. Really, it more like, "this is really tough for me to slow things down and not get angry so often, recognize it please." But, then it just leave me open to being invalidated again, and the cycle continues...


sorry..went off on a tangent there

basically, I understand how it's so frustrating to have to put so much effort into everything when it comes naturally to other people.

I get where you're coming from. I know that feeling, and it is completely unfair. I feel exactly as you do, and I still don't know who I am Sometimes this disorder feels impossible!