I'm really tired

and how do you deal with the fact that your friends think of you as a freak? i feel miserable..and alone, their eyes have sympathy for me n that hurts me more

No i dont.

but i know for sure that my family will be ashamed of me, they're already ashamed of the symptoms. i'm just jealous, that it's so easy for the others while i'm stuck with this illness, and yes maybe it could get cured but with the friends know about it. i'll never be a part of them again and i really looked upto them.

Thanks i'll see how the therapy goes.

You're having trouble connecting with the different versions of yourself through time. I have the same exact problem. I usually quickly describe it as "having difficulty empathizing with myself," although it is actually more complicated than that.

You're in one emotion in this hour, and a few hours later you're in a different emotion, and that prior emotion begins to feel alien. You don't understand how it got there, or why it was so easy to get out of. It becomes difficult to understand what is "critical" from what is "not important" because it all seems essentially the same. It was "not important" before so how could it be "critical" now? Knowing my history, I have a feeling this won't be "critical" tomorrow, so how can it be "critical" now? Even fluctuations of the intensity of emotions in ranges of 1-5 minutes makes it difficult for you to evaluate what is going on.

It is all massively, incredibly, confusing. And that is what can cause you to think that you are doing "fine" and don't need to see a therapist because you are wrapped in this "I'm fine" moment and have much difficulty identifying with the painful moments you were experiencing before.

One thing that is helpful is to split of a "monitoring thread" in your consciousness. All this thread does is record your actions and feelings (actually write down in a book if you want to). Very simple observational records of yourself. "I had difficulty moving." "I had anxiety that caused my hear to hurt a lot." "I cried 3 times that day." "I felt hollow and empty." Then when you look back, you do not need to empathize with yourself, you just need to think critically about your actions. Then you can draw conclusions, "My actions show a behavior that I need to fix something." That way, you can still work towards fixing it even if you don't feel the problem at the moment.

That's exactly how I feel. Now that I'm reading this, or whenever i feel a friend is feeling sorry for me i'm like, "mind your own business and get the hell out of here," and then it takes few moments before I re-enter the depression phase. I have this major need to be useful, also my perception of myself depends almost completely on what others think of me. I'm thinking of myself as a third person all the time.