Relationship Advice (Triggers, maybe)

I feel weird asking this on here, but I couldn't find another thread like this and there isn't much to google on this issue...

I've been dating a guy now for like almost two weeks, who I've been bestfriends with for several years. Which has been great, since we're both total nerds and have tons in common. Life's been wonderful.

Alright, I'm the one with BPD. But I've been through therapy the vast majority of my life and I take like 12 pills a day. The irrational thoughts are always there, but I've managed to be able to sort through them on a daily basis and for the most part, I am in control of my life.

The sucky part I'm getting at is that, well, my job sucks. And he's still struggling to find a job... Well, after working two 10-hour shift days, we're laying in bed and I'm about to pass out I'm so worn out, and he says he feels like the past couple of days, we've been growing "distant"... Well, duh. I've been gone the past two days and when I come home I'm tired and I don't feel like hanging out.

But when he said that, I felt, for the first time in years, my BPD really setting in. After I cried, he was really sweet. Reassured me it meant nothing and that he planned on being with me for a long time... But it didn't matter. The initial feeling, the fear of losing him, the heart break; the damage had already been done. I've been extra clingy and pampering and nice to him the next couple days I had off, and he left last night for a week-long family trip... But that constant thought, "what did I do wrong?" won't leave me alone. All in that one instant, my heart broke, depression set in, and now I don't even remember what it felt like being friends with him, much less being his girlfriend. I even forgot who I am. I feel like I lost my personality, my soul; I feel empty. I'm not myself... It's like hearing him say we're "growing distant", was just as good as hearing him break up with me. Now nothing makes me happy. I forgot things we enjoyed doing together... I just don't want to lose him.

Somebody enlighten me. What are things boyfriends and girlfriends do together besides watch movies and bang? Because that's literally all I remember and I'm sick of both. He comes back in a week, and I want to be happy by then. But more, I just want him to be happy with me... Because I don't know what to do. I guess that's why I'm back on here after two years.

Great job on helping yourself! That in itself is a huge accomplishment, and you should be so proud

Now, the situation at hand. That fear will have to be managed somehow before it can go away. You need to see the real truth, not what the fear is saying to you. As hard as it is, you have to believe him, or make yourself see the rationality of the situation and believe yourself. If he didn't care about you he wouldn't have stayed. I know it's hard to see that, I understand so well.


There's plenty of things you guys can do together! What are some hobbies you guys have? Play some games together, go for a walk, play some card games, cuddle together and just talk. You guys can do ANYTHING together.

I'm sorry you have to feel as you do. The pain is terrible, and I hope I was able to help you in some way.

I can relate. I had a similar total break down when my boyfriend said he "wasn't sure" he could marry me. I felt like he was breaking up with me right then and there. I don't know how we managed to get through it before breaking up, but we pressed on. It took a year of me being depressed, and crying, and having random bouts of feeling no emotions towards him, forgetting he existed in my life, having long periods of black outs, and a deep, core shattering feeling of emptiness. But. We think we figured it out, and I feel better and completely at ease with our relationship now.

Here's the set up of our explanation. There's two parts of all of us -- every human being. Our "bodies"/"subconscious" and our "selves"/"consciousness"/ "the thinking self", the one that talks in your head. The body is what does all of your behaviors, emotions, reactions, everything, and you can merely give it suggestions of what to do, and it can choose to do it or not to do it. You can beg it, and sometimes begging can convince it. You also try to interpret your body and provide communication for your body. But, you can interpret it incorrectly, or under/overestimate the intensity.

In addition to the body's needs and wants, you, the thinking self, have your own needs, wants and assumptions that go beyond the body's understanding of existence. These are things like career aspirations, and opinions on what life is supposed to be like based on observation with their own family growing up, watching their friends, books, movies, prior imaginations, religion, ethics and morals.

On one hand your body is making communication-less pulls in different directions that you have to interpret. You are trying to interpret your body but through a filter of your own needs, wants and assumptions that are pulling you in different directions. After the introspection, you come to your conclusion and you communicate it to the best of your abilities -- were you right? Were you wrong? Were you both right and wrong depending on which context you're considering it from? Yes!

So! Coming at it from that perspective of how the world works, everything you say is how you feel does not mean it is 100% accurate for the whole of your being. In a relationship, it is also very important for a couple to be able to explore these feelings together to see if they can find the core problem and fix it. If the person feeling the problem cannot communicate it more precisely, it can help to talk it out and figure out the part that is missing and try to address it. It is a lot like being therapists with each other.

Another thing to realize is that the body and the thinking self can have different conflicting opinions. In the case of my boyfriend, his body is irresistibly bonded to me. His thinking self, however, has wants and is anxious that those wants can be met given that I have BPD.

Our resolution was to acknowledge that 1) I shattered when he told me he was unsure, 2) his body is bonded to me, 3) it is only his thinking self that is worried, 4) his thinking self has every right to be worried, 5) we will work as a team to help me recover from BPD, and 6) neither of our bodies are willing to separate.

Your resolution, surprisingly enough, despite this extremely long post, is likely very simple. Your boyfriend's body is likely feeling something is off and your boyfriend is trying to interpret that feeling and can come to put the vague words "growing distant" to that feeling. It means he felt one thing before and he feels a different thing now. The questions to answer are "What is the precise feeling that is missing? What action was fulfilling it previously that is no longer being done? Can that action be done again with the current time constraints? If not, what other action or actions can be done to give a similar feeling?"

Crazy complicated when dealing with emotions, I know!! But sooooo worth it because it can be so dead simple that its ridiculous. Here's some examples:

• Put in effort to cuddle and hold each other while sleeping
  
  • Stroke his hair while sleeping
    
  • Hold hands while sleeping
    
• Go to bed a little earlier to cuddle and talk
• Cuddle and hold each other during snooze on the alarm
  
  • Do not use snooze, have sex instead
    
• Hug and kiss whenever you first see each other
• Eat together at least once a day most days of the week
• Carpool

So! There are my thoughts. I'm gonna submit this, right after my boyfriend explained to me about how perhaps I really shouldn't go around telling everyone all my custom-made theories all the time.

Thanks a lot, guys. I actually started feeling better since he called me last night, just to talk about his vacation so far. There's just something about his voice. I could be totally upset with him, but his voice when he's enthusiastic about something, could extinguish that in seconds... lol

He also reassured me everything was fine; that I was simply over-thinking things again. Which for some reason, is always music to my ears. I can always try to convince myself I'm thinking irrationally, but when I hear it from somebody else, it usually sinks in. lol

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. It's like I go completely blank when I'm depressed, which only fuels more depression, and before I know it, I just feel stupid, and then I put myself down for that... It's just never ending.

I like how you explained our "bodies" and our "selves", Aetienne. That really made a lot of sense to me. I'll refer back to your post next time something like this happens... He knows I have BPD. Him and my mom talk about it sometimes (I find out from her, and she says he's really curious and understanding about it), but we never talk about it. He probably wouldn't mind. It's just that it's embarrassing to me and I'd rather work out my issues on my own... But we could both appreciate your way of working things out by identifying our issues. I mean, that's great communication. And what's a relationship without that? lol

aetienne and aliveatnight - you guys are always giving such good advice. i think you guys are pretty awesome. hope you dont mind me saying that quickly

chubbles - reading this thread made me really happy, to hear that you're dealing with your BPD in such a good way. it sounded like you stayed totally self aware through your freak outs, and your blokey sounds like a keeper. i definitely think you should try to communicate everything you can to him. he seems really open and interested, and although i TOTALLY understand the need to try to deal with things alone and the embarrassments my little episodes can cause, i dont think my relationship with my boyfriend would be any where near as good and strong as it is without me opening everything up to him. Its like a leap of faith almost - but when you finally open up to that person, it puts you in such a state of vulnerability that it strengthens everything even more...it sounds like you guys are crazy about each other. nice to hear

Chubbles wrote:He knows I have BPD. Him and my mom talk about it sometimes (I find out from her, and she says he's really curious and understanding about it), but we never talk about it. He probably wouldn't mind. It's just that it's embarrassing to me and I'd rather work out my issues on my own... But we could both appreciate your way of working things out by identifying our issues. I mean, that's great communication. And what's a relationship without that? lol

I am a big advocate for being open about exploring thoughts and feelings and really getting an understanding of how each of you work internally. This can be very tough especially when you're exploring less pleasant feelings like, "I'm unsure I want to marry you," so, most certainly tread carefully down that path. But, I would think it would be healthy for a couple to be able to explore the unpleasant together and still feel secure in knowing that they're still bonded.

Its trying to really really embed in your psyche that when things do start to get awkward and unpleasant, that it may have nothing to do with either person and be merely about the environment, or the situation, or a magic sauce that slipped away that neither realized had such value. Not so easy to do when your stomach is turning and you're thinking, "It's my fault, I should have caught that."

Chubbles wrote:All in that one instant, my heart broke, depression set in, and now I don't even remember what it felt like being friends with him, much less being his girlfriend. I even forgot who I am. I feel like I lost my personality, my soul; I feel empty. I'm not myself... It's like hearing him say we're "growing distant", was just as good as hearing him break up with me. Now nothing makes me happy. I forgot things we enjoyed doing together... I just don't want to lose him.

I can totally relate to that.. The emptiness, not knowing who you are, or where you disappeared to..