Crossing that line

Just wondering if im not the only one that just cant seem to jump over the "line" when push comes to shove.. as in getting back to reality and how things were before we were who we are now. I remember the life I once lived.. try to get ahold of it again but the closer I get each time the further I fall back/recoil from achieving this. I feel like a cow stuck in a dirt field with a nice grassy paddock over the fence just waiting for me but I cannot seem to get there. so frustrating lol

I feel that. I know I have a problem, I know that my behavior is unhealthy and, in times of "normalcy," I'm completely able to understand how I need to behave to maintain a healthy relationship. But when the fog of abandonment anxiety comes, I just can NOT think clearly and go back to my old behaviors... and am later so ashamed at my failure that I begin thinking about suicide.

I'm afraid to be normal. I have convinced myself that my bpd enhances my art / music / sex life etc. I'm afraid to get well. I'm afraid I'd be bored / boring. I often wonder what normal feels like and I usually surmise that it is boring. No intensity.

I'm afraid of living either disordered or normal.
I don't know the difference anymore, it's been too long.
I know what I have to do.
I know how I have to act.
I know I should try and get better.

I just can't.

What I remember is being sufficiently unaware of the forces that were driving me that I suppressed the intensity with drugs and humor and general acting out. That was fine day to day but I was always a time bomb waiting to go off.

I can't say I'm happier living a more conscious existence, but I'm hoping to be so one day.

I have no memory of "normal". I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Will changing be any better? I don't know. Honestly, I'm scared to lose the good qualities (Loyalty, empathy, extreme compassion, ect).

But what will normal even be like? I'm scared to find out, but at the same time I really want to get there.
It's weird.

aliveatnight wrote:But what will normal even be like? I'm scared to find out, but at the same time I really want to get there.
It's weird.

That resonates very much for me. For whatever reason today is really bad, haven't left the house in three days, haven't even opened the door. The house isn't a house, it's a 66 square foot camper. It seems like every time I feel myself coming alive the intense feelings come back along with feeling alive and they're too much.

Oh - I don't know ... sometimes it seems to me that unless you are a Stepford wife type normal you have no chance in this world.
I'm intense - anger, sadness, passion (about issues and people) more intense than normal and people seem to be unable to deal with me. They also seem unable to see all the bull I see and get annoyed about.
SO I have a dilemma - do I want to be like them - NO!
Do I want to like I am at my worst - NO!

NeoPsy wrote: I remember the life I once lived.. try to get ahold of it again but the closer I get each time the further I fall back/recoil from achieving this.

Instead of looking back at the life you once lived, perhaps focus on creating a life worth living. However you may define that.

As Mr. Bowie and Mr. Reznor so eloquently put it,

"I'm afraid of Americans,
I'm afraid of the world,
I'm afraid I can't help it,
I'm afraid I can't."

I vaguely remember (or imagine, one of the two) being a happy child, but that was a long, long time ago. If someone gave me a pill and told me that it could "cure" me of BPD, I don't know if I'd take it. I probably wouldn't. I'd be too afraid of losing what little personality I have. At least, with BPD, it's an identity; it's not the best one to have, but it is one. Without it, I fear that I wouldn't be anything, and I wouldn't be willing to risk that.