Please help?

So I realize that I associate love with pain and longing. I've been dealing with a guy who hasn't treated me the best. But now I'm noticing he's beginning to fall in love with me. He's been extra sweet, gentle, kind, caring, etc. And I find myself slightly losing interest in him. Like I was hooked for the almost two years we were playing back and forth games with each other, but now that he has began to become the man I envision myself being with, I feel this sense of anxiety and dread. I really care about this man, he's everything I've ever looked for and he's like the male version of myself. Do you guys have any advice? Can any of you relate? And why is this happening?

hi CP -

i can absolutely relate!! our version of love is not theirs, and i'm not sure it can be unless we rewire our minds to accept unconditional love. if there is no push/pull/chaos/drama/angst/longing, then to (us), there is an absence of love. we were conditioned early on that we didn't deserve it because no matter how hard we tried, we never received it.

that type of love is foreign and therefore triggering, sending your defense mechanisms into a frenzy. i won't be able to help you discern your thoughts/feelings from those that are genuine vs those that are just BPD reactionary. can you see the difference?

Yes, I can definitely see the difference. I believe this is why I'm able to notice that it's happening. I definitely can say that I'm recovering, I'm not the emotionally unstable mess I used to be, I can process my emotions and let them go much faster than I used to be able to without acting out on someone else in the process. With that being said, what you said makes perfect sense. I no longer consciously desire the drama, but subconsciously since there isn't any at the moment, I guess my mind is creating unnecessary anxiety to fill that void. I'm consciously entirely aware that games, control, abuse, etc is not love, but there was always so much tension and screaming matches in my family when I was very little, it was the only model of love I knew. It takes a lot of awareness and dedication to break those patterns.

Somewhere it became implanted in our minds that if we're not involved in drama or conflict, we're not being loved. I suspect it's because usually only conflict brings our partner to dramatically declare their affection in the angsty way we (for some reason) like. Try telling your partner you have a need for verbal and physical affection and that by providing you with that, he can minimize the anxiety that causes your BPD need for conflict.

Realize that to most other people it's the other way around: love is being content and happy with your partner, and conflict casts the relationship into doubt.

Hope this helps. I'm still in the testing stage of this theory myself but so far so good

klara.thorsdottir wrote:Somewhere it became implanted in our minds that if we're not involved in drama or conflict, we're not being loved. I suspect it's because usually only conflict brings our partner to dramatically declare their affection in the angsty way we (for some reason) like. Try telling your partner you have a need for verbal and physical affection and that by providing you with that, he can minimize the anxiety that causes your BPD need for conflict.

Realize that to most other people it's the other way around: love is being content and happy with your partner, and conflict casts the relationship into doubt.

Hope this helps. I'm still in the testing stage of this theory myself but so far so good

That might not be the best approach. According to your theory, she expects (genuine) conflicts in order to feel "safe" about her relationship. By explaining this to her love, she'll be declining this hability to ever feel that safety. she probably, then, will have to find another way arround to get "safety" because this one is already compromised.

This is my opinion.

AsPdude wrote:
That might not be the best approach. According to your theory, she expects (genuine) conflicts in order to feel "safe" about her relationship. By explaining this to her love, she'll be declining this hability to ever feel that safety. she probably, then, will have to find another way arround to get "safety" because this one is already compromised.

This is my opinion.

You may be right. I'm just offering what seems to be working for me. Since we the borderlines are the ones that have faulty thinking patterns, I try to correct my "bad" patterns (like wanting conflict) rather than expecting my BF to participate in them by fighting, which he hates.

CelticsPrincess wrote:So I realize that I associate love with pain and longing. I've been dealing with a guy who hasn't treated me the best. But now I'm noticing he's beginning to fall in love with me. He's been extra sweet, gentle, kind, caring, etc. And I find myself slightly losing interest in him. Like I was hooked for the almost two years we were playing back and forth games with each other, but now that he has began to become the man I envision myself being with, I feel this sense of anxiety and dread. I really care about this man, he's everything I've ever looked for and he's like the male version of myself. Do you guys have any advice? Can any of you relate? And why is this happening?

It is possible for someone with BPD to get past all of the defense mechanisms and actually bond with someone at your core being. If he really can stop treating you poorly and really can maintain treating you with true love long enough (years... 2, 4, 8 years?) it will be possible for you to drop your final barriers and truly bond with him. But, that's a lot of ifs. PLUS, if you bonded and he EVER betrayed that bond you would go catastrophic. So if you feel any doubt whatsoever your body will absolutely not let you bond because that is the number one thing it fears: you going catastrophic.

So, with that explanation, your body is already scared of this possibility. It is already scared that you could bond, he'd betray you and you'd be destroyed. It is so scared, it is filling you with the emotions of anxiety, and dread because your body is feeling anxiety and dread of possibly falling into a trap. If you keep going and try to continue this relationship, your body is going to continue to resist and will continue to throw up road blocks to try to convince you to not bond with him. That is why it will take years before you actually could drop all your defenses, and anytime he did anything suspicious, the wait and struggles would have to start all over again.

It is a long bumpy road that you will have to travel if you want to find a long term calm, peaceful relationship. You have to figure out if you think it could be possible with him.

klara.thorsdottir wrote:You may be right. I'm just offering what seems to be working for me. Since we the borderlines are the ones that have faulty thinking patterns, I try to correct my "bad" patterns (like wanting conflict) rather than expecting my BF to participate in them by fighting, which he hates.

I sense it's a dilemma: you need a BF to get conflicts but conflicts can let you without a BF.
Do what you think is the best for you..