Feelings of Suicide *TW*

Hello everyone,

I usually have thoughts of suicide but they are fleeting and I can usually distract myself by thinking of something else and rationalizing the feeling but today it's been non stop. I know that BPD's have one of the highest suicide rates. I have people that love me and a dog that needs me so the chances of me actually going through with it are slim to none.

Here's my question, the feelings I'm having are that I'm an awful person, I destroy or reject anyone who try's to be there for me, I've hurt friends and family and manipulated anyone who I may need or want something from (usually just acceptence as a friend, to get close to them, to recieve love in some way). The true relationships I do have I don't feel I deserve and these feelings all combined with an escalation of the chaos in my life have put me in this place. I feel that I am a terrible person who will never get better and the shame I feel it's so immense it's like it's coursing through my veins.

It seems from my post that I have some NPD qualities as well and knowing that is making my self loathing even worse.

Does this sound familiar to anyone who also struggles with suicidal feelings?

*MOD edit. Adjusted subject line & added TW*

I am sorry you have those feelings perhaps therapy could help just a guess you know. I have bpd and I don't have those thoughts. I am very cautious of who associate with I like positive people and do get rid of negative ones that mean me harm

i feel the same way, and it has been especially bad here the past few days.

I'm not suicidal anymore, however the feelings you describe are very similar to things that I feel.

doesntfeelbeautiful wrote:I'm an awful person, I destroy or reject anyone who try's to be there for me, I've hurt friends and family and manipulated anyone who I may need or want something from (usually just acceptence as a friend, to get close to them, to recieve love in some way). The true relationships I do have I don't feel I deserve and these feelings all combined with an escalation of the chaos in my life have put me in this place. I feel that I am a terrible person who will never get better and the shame I feel it's so immense it's like it's coursing through my veins.

I'm slowly recovering from this, however all these feelings I understand completely. The shame and guilt I feel over everything is very intense as well.

Thank you all for your kind words, it saddens me that most of you feel what I'm experiencing since it is so awful. ManyFaces, I hope so much for you to feel better. aliveatnight it's encouraging to hear you have moved away from these thoughts affecting you so deeply. I have been in therapy and on meds for years, if not who knows what would have happened to me. Thanks again

doesntfeelbeautiful, this sounds extremely familliar. There is no denying it is a horrific way to feel but I try my hardest to remind myself that it WILL pass. The thought of suicide is never far from my mind and like you, there are times when it becomes very intense and is more than just a fleeting thought you can distract yourself from. Just try and remember it WILL pass. You have protective factors (those that love you as well as your dog ...I can relate to this too!) so just try and concentrate on these thoughts and not the ones of suicide. I know it is very difficult but if you get into the habit it will get easier. I suppose it's a type of Mindfulness. Hope you're feeling better

-- Fri Mar 08, 2013 8:42 pm --

Also, try and remember that the things you are feeling guilty about (rejecting, manipulating people) is a part of BPD. It isn't an excuse but it is a REASON and you are self aware enough to know you are doing it so I very much doubt you are an awful person! Don't let the intrusive thoughts get the better of you!

Thank you so much Ophelia, you are a sweetheart. Yes, I'm feeling much better now also.

I think of suicide several times a week. Usually it passes within hours or a day. I've learned to just carry on, sleep it off, or go treat myself to something. Sometimes just talking to a close friend or family member and a good laugh can remind me that I am loved and life is good enough to stick around.
But the shame of knowing I hurt and push people away is terrible. I feel for you.
Feather

I relate to your feelings of self-loathing. I haven't been a good friend to someone who has been good to me so now, instead of hating myself, I'm resolving to put more effort into the friendship and my mind is at ease about it again. I heard somewhere before that "self-esteem comes from doing esteemable acts" and I think that is very true-self awareness of ones own actions is but a first step..you must take action to change your behaviour and then those feelings of self-loathing will fade naturally. Sometimes I think feelings can serve as a warning sign-that you're doing something wrong or that there is a problem that you're not addressing. I used to think it meant that I was a bad person but it doesn't-it just means that there is something that I'm avoiding and the sooner I deal with, the better. I know that everyone wants to feel better automatically but it just doesn't work like that. There is no easy way or quick fix solution however recovery is possible with a lot of hard work and it's definitely a preferable option to suicide!

It's sad that these thoughts of worthlessness and suicide are so common and prevalent to us. I wish I could say that I don't add to these numbers, but I do; I think about ending things pretty much every day. Wake up, have breakfast, get on the train to work, contemplate suicide, arrive at work, realize how unnecessary I am at work, wonder why they haven't fired me yet, realize I'm equally useless at home and anywhere else, repeat step 4. To me, it's just part of daily life, now. One day it won't be, but for now, it is.

Even more than wishing that I didn't feel that way, I wish I was the only one here who did. Sadly, I know I'm not. I'm sorry that the rest of you are going through similar feelings; it's unfair to you.