Symptoms have included:
- Inability to focus/concentrate on anything, but not necessarily in an ADD manner. I was an excellent student in school and never had trouble finishing assignments on time. However, when I start a new project (this seems to be happening more, as I get older) I get really excited about it at first and then I just lose interest. I haven't finished a whole book in about 3 years. I get tons of creative ideas but then I lose interest or get lazy and can't make myself pursue them.
- Extremely fast cycling emotions. Sometimes I'm really upbeat and happy for no reason and that will last anywhere from a few hours to a couple days. More often, I sink into a crippling depression where I think frequently about suicide and everything just seems pointless and meaningless. I think constantly about what a horrible person I am and how I have done everything "wrong" in my life.
- Crying jags that accompany the depression, sometimes lasting for a couple of days at a time, but no more than a week. The crying is uncontrollable and will often come on suddenly. Sometimes it will be triggered by something small that upset me. Other times, it seems to happen for no reason at all.
- I seem to have trouble regulating my emotional response to various situations. For example, if I have plans that I am excited about and they get cancelled, I may spend the next 2 days crying. Sometimes, though, I shrug it off and don't even care.
- My parents were wonderful, kind, loving people. However, I was verbally abused (never physically) at a private school for about 8 years by both some staff members and other students. I have shrugged it off and even laughed about it as an adult, but I know that I have maintained a sense constantly being judged by others (and also a fetish/sexual attraction to sarcastic/controlling/dominant authority figures) because of the experience. I have mostly dated the "nice guys" (and been bored within a year or so) but recently I've fallen head over heels for an older guy who treats me badly and he's the first guy I've ever dated from whom I have NOT been able to walk away.
- When I was very very young, if my mother and I fought (which we did OFTEN) I would, immediately after, beg her to reassure me that she still loved me. I honestly became convinced that just because we argued or disagreed, that she would stop loving me, though she had never shown any indication that this was a possibility.
- I've struggled all my life to maintain jobs, friendships, and relationships because I get bored so easily. I get very interested in a person I am dating and I become pretty obsessed with that person and I feel like I want to be with them for the rest of my life. But then, like someone flipped a switch, I suddenly have no interest in them. I am always the one to leave first, and not always for a "good" reason. Sometimes it's just "I don't love you, anymore". I feel horrible about hurting them, but I am also almost repulsed by their affection, once I stop returning it
- With friends, it's a little more subtle, but there are some similar patterns. When I want to see/talk to a particular friend, I will be very upset if they aren't free to see me, but the rest of the time, it's like I forget most other people exist. Most of my "friends" growing up only wanted to hang out when they could study off of my notes or when they were fighting with their other friends. I was always the "peace-keeper" because I was the only one who never took sides. I don't trust most people fully and tend to maintain a lot of emotional distance until I've really gotten to know someone. However, I do have a habit of opening up to people really quickly in a way that creates a sense of emotional intimacy, while still inwardly keeping them at arm's length.
- I'm *very* close to my best friend and if she gets upset with me I feel like I'm the worst person in the world and I am terrified that she will suddenly hate me. She and my mom are the only people in my life that I think of as completely indispensable.
- With jobs, I just get incredibly bored if I'm not constantly stimulated. I was like that in school too. I used to get in trouble for playing in my desk and talking in class because I was always bored. But, since I did all my homework perfectly and aced all my tests, they kept passing me anyway. Teachers wouldn't know what to do with me.
- I have switched career paths countless times and I'm only in my 20's. I know that it is a normal part of "finding oneself" nowadays, but each time I choose a career, I become convinced that this is my "passion" and it's who I want to be, only to lose interest and/or change my mind a little while later. OR, I quit once something seems like it might be too much work. I usually blame it on the apathy that is engendered by frequent bouts of depression, but I also feel responsible, like I should be able to just shake it off and get the work done. But I never do.
- When I have a good time or I do something fun that makes me very happy, I feel euphoric and almost hyper. However, immediately after that, I always seem to crash into a melancholic phase. It feels like I used up all my serotonin just by being happy and I have to wait a few days to rebuild it.
- I do not drink alcohol or use hard drugs but I do have a prescription for marijuana and, for a while, that was the only thing that was helping me sleep. However, I started taking lamictal recently and the two did not seem to mix well (I felt more depressed/empty on days after I smoked). Unfortunately, I just noticed a rash that might be from the lamictal, so I may have to stop taking it. I hope I do not have to, because it felt like it was helping a little to regulate the depressive symptoms. Although it did seem to increase my anxiety.
I'm sure I'm forgetting some things, but that's the brief overview I gave the intake therapist at my medical facility and she suggested I look into Borderline Personality.
There are symptoms of BPD I have read about that I feel do not fit me at all:
- I never see things in "black and white". I always see shades of gray, to the point where I often forgive people I should not (because they go on to walk all over me) and it can be difficult for me to make a decision (because I see too many possibilities, all at once).
- I'm also not terribly impulsive, most of the time. I'm a stickler about saving money and when I feel the need to shop, I usually stick to thrift stores or go window shopping without buying anything. I have been "promiscuous" in my youth, but I've never felt compelled to sleep with someone and I will go months in between partners if no one strikes my fancy. I am a bad driver due to my lack of focus, but not an incredibly reckless one.
- I VERY rarely get angry. Irritable, sometimes, but that usually fades quickly and I've never been able to hold a grudge in my life. Every feeling I've ever had seems to be incredibly transient and gone as quickly as it came. Anger is no different. I've never felt the need to really act out in anger (except when I was on Pristiq, that made me really angry all the time). Most of the time, if I get angry, I end up turning it inwards and I just cry.
So, from everyone's experience here, do I sound BPD? I am not looking so much for medical advice as an understanding that isn't "I'm just crazy"... And I'd like to get the ball rolling on the right kind of therapy so I can learn to control/regulate my emotional reactions and stop thinking constantly about how worthless my life is.
Thank you for reading...
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