depressed boyfriend

by **omalley_cat** » Wed Oct 31, 2012 9:35 am

Hi there,
I've put the same post on the clincal depression forum because i'm so desperate for advice and help...I know this isnt really the right place to put this post, but perhaps the moderators can re-direct it to where they think it needs to be?
I'm really needing some support with something that I'm dealing with at the moment.
Is it possible to be depressed and not be totally aware of it?
My boyfriend has always suffered with depression which links back to a horrible childhood trauma that he's currently seeking therapy for. He was on citalopram when we first got together about a year ago, but back in about may/june he decided he was ready to come off them. he didnt consult a doctor or anything about this, and to be honest I supported him in it - he was starting to get some really horrible negative side effects. But almost instantly we started to have problems. We never used to argue much, and always saw eye to eye on important issues. we felt the same way about our future together and we felt that there was nothing that we couldnt handle as a team. We supported eachother and talked through all of our problems. Honestly, it was so good that I actually became suspicious!!
we started living together pretty quickly after getting together, as thats just what suited our relationship and we've never had any issues with space. any nights that we've spent apart have been because its unavoidable. We were living at his parents house but have been looking for our own place for about 6 months. Now, somewhere has finally come up, and I feel like my boyfriend is bailing on us.
in the past few months things have gone from bad to worse. it started with some horrible arguments that became physical, and really aggressive. Then my father died, and my boyfriend was not there for me at all. The night that I found out he ditched me to go play computer games with his friends. A house came up a few months ago and he decided he couldnt afford to move anymore, even though we'd worked out all the finances and everything. I continued to look in this time, because i'm desperate to find somewhere to live. Now I've found somewhere and he's not moving with me at all, he's staying with his folks. Mutual friends (who know him much better than i do and for a longer amount of time) have expressed concern that he simply wont see me anymore, he'll just hide away.
He's not interested in doing anything with me anymore. He doesnt want to go out and see people, I cant lure him out of the house for dog walks or coffee or even a pint. He wont do his share of the house work. he sleeps all day. calls in sick to work (even though he only does 8 hours a week at a bar). And he accuses me of being the reason he hasnt acheived anything in his life. He tells me my baggage is whats making him unhappy, and that the stresses in my life (having a dog, having to go shopping, pay your way etc) are making him depressed.
We havent slept together for a while. And we are less physical in general than we used to be. Yesterday he slept all day and woke up at 10, then he was awake all night. when he did go to bed (god knows what time) he went to the spare room. I went in there this morning to see him and he literally pushed me away and then rolled over.
When i ask him about all of this, he says the relationship isnt over, that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I cant work out if all this behaviour is because he's depressed or because the relationship has come to an end... he is saying that its neither. He doesnt think he's depressed, justa bit stressed out. But he cant see the change in him. He was so attentive and affectionate before, and we thought as a team, and we were compassionate towards eachother. Now, when he says horrible things that make me cry, he responds is such a cold way. Theres no empathy there at all. And he genuinely cant see that there's anything wrong with his behaviour.
He sits in the house all day and sleeps really anti social hours. he acheives nothing in the day, just plays poker online. he does no housework, doesnt go to work, doesnt get food in or anything. And when i suggest he does stuff he acts like its my problem, that theres nothing wrong with what he's doing.
I've tried everything to try to get his mood up - suggested that he goes back on anti depressents, and he agrees then weeks go by and he's done nothing. I suggest he gets out of the house and does some excercise, but he wont. I even made a list of everything that was stressing him out, with solutions and ways we can make it easier. One of the ways was introducing a timetable for him so that he can get everything done that he needs to get done and still feel like he has enough time to rest. I've tried changing our diets but nothing sticks. He's also stopped going to therapy - there's always an excuse, like "i dont feel well" or "i've got nothing to say this week".
I dont know what to do anymore! please someone tell me what I'm meant to do. I despise the person who he is now - there's nothing behind his eyes, he seems to have nothing but contempt for me, yet he wont tell me that the relationship is over. I dont know how i can be with someone like this, its so so hard. And i've got my own stresses and issues which i'm having to deal with all alone because of his mood. I've got BPD and this whole thing is just triggering me left right and centre - issues with neglect and abandonment and insecurity are coming up, and so i dont know how to be the strong person that he needs at the moment. I self harmed the other day for the first time in months, really really badly sliced my legs up, because I just cant deal with the pain that this is bringing up for me.
I dont want to lose him, but i cant work out a way that we can make it through this. What do i need to do to bring him back out of this?
thanks for your help.
O_C
xxx

omalley_cat wrote:Hi there,
I've put the same post on the clinical depression forum because i'm so desperate for advice and help...I know this isn't really the right place to put this post, but perhaps the moderators can re-direct it to where they think it needs to be?
I'm really needing some support with something that I'm dealing with at the moment.

it's TOTES ok. we're here for support...and since most of us have some level of depression, we can empathize and help there too.

Is it possible to be depressed and not be totally aware of it?

YES...and boys (do not jump on me for this!!!) are usually the ones that aren't. they weren't reared to 'feel' and 'show' emotions the way women are so when the poop hits the fan, they internalize it instead of dealing with it face on.

My boyfriend has always suffered with depression which links back to a horrible childhood trauma that he's currently seeking therapy for. He was on citalopram when we first got together about a year ago, but back in about may/june he decided he was ready to come off them. he didn't consult a doctor or anything about this, and to be honest I supported him in it - he was starting to get some really horrible negative side effects. But almost instantly we started to have problems. We never used to argue much, and always saw eye to eye on important issues. we felt the same way about our future together and we felt that there was nothing that we couldn't handle as a team. We supported each other and talked through all of our problems. Honestly, it was so good that I actually became suspicious!!

great that he's in therapy! not so great that he quit without the dr's advice or rolling on to something else. i've had some friends do it and i've done it myself...NEVER again will i play dr (unless it's with someone i want to play dr with :wink:

) as the suffering after far outweighed the suffering i went through before quitting.

your self-awareness and own disorder enabled that sense of intuition/suspicion come into play. good on you for that...it's like a sixth sense, you know?

we started living together pretty quickly after getting together, as that's just what suited our relationship and we've never had any issues with space. any nights that we've spent apart have been because its unavoidable. We were living at his parents house but have been looking for our own place for about 6 months. Now, somewhere has finally come up, and I feel like my boyfriend is bailing on us.

my $.02? he's not bailing on 'us', he's bailing on 'him'.

in the past few months things have gone from bad to worse. it started with some horrible arguments that became physical, and really aggressive. Then my father died, and my boyfriend was not there for me at all. The night that I found out he ditched me to go play computer games with his friends. A house came up a few months ago and he decided he couldn't afford to move anymore, even though we'd worked out all the finances and everything. I continued to look in this time, because i'm desperate to find somewhere to live. Now I've found somewhere and he's not moving with me at all, he's staying with his folks. Mutual friends (who know him much better than i do and for a longer amount of time) have expressed concern that he simply wont see me anymore, he'll just hide away.
He's not interested in doing anything with me anymore. He doesn't want to go out and see people, I cant lure him out of the house for dog walks or coffee or even a pint. He wont do his share of the house work. he sleeps all day. calls in sick to work (even though he only does 8 hours a week at a bar). And he accuses me of being the reason he hasn't achieved anything in his life. He tells me my baggage is whats making him unhappy, and that the stresses in my life (having a dog, having to go shopping, pay your way etc) are making him depressed.

first: you have my sincere condolences on the loss of your father. BIG e-hugs. second: he's projecting. he feels like a failure. it has nothing to do with you. please don't take his words as the gospel. it's got to be STINGINGLY painful and i'm sorry you're having to take on all of his pain along with your own. more e-hugs.

We haven't slept together for a while. And we are less physical in general than we used to be. Yesterday he slept all day and woke up at 10, then he was awake all night. when he did go to bed (god knows what time) he went to the spare room. I went in there this morning to see him and he literally pushed me away and then rolled over.

normal...hate to say it, but it's true. again, not you.

When i ask him about all of this, he says the relationship isn't over, that he still loves me and wants to be with me. I can't work out if all this behaviour is because he's depressed or because the relationship has come to an end... he is saying that its neither. He doesn't think he's depressed, justa bit stressed out. But he cant see the change in him. He was so attentive and affectionate before, and we thought as a team, and we were compassionate towards each other. Now, when he says horrible things that make me cry, he responds is such a cold way. There's no empathy there at all. And he genuinely cant see that there's anything wrong with his behaviour.

the only way to gain perspective on this is to get some space. he needs time to work on himself ALONE and start to realize that it's not about anyone else in his life but himself.

He sits in the house all day and sleeps really anti social hours. he achieves nothing in the day, just plays poker online. he does no housework, doesn't go to work, doesn't get food in or anything. And when i suggest he does stuff he acts like its my problem, that there's nothing wrong with what he's doing.

hector the projector...normal

I've tried everything to try to get his mood up - suggested that he goes back on anti depressants, and he agrees then weeks go by and he's done nothing. I suggest he gets out of the house and does some exercise, but he wont. I even made a list of everything that was stressing him out, with solutions and ways we can make it easier. One of the ways was introducing a timetable for him so that he can get everything done that he needs to get done and still feel like he has enough time to rest. I've tried changing our diets but nothing sticks. He's also stopped going to therapy - there's always an excuse, like "i dont feel well" or "i've got nothing to say this week".

you know, every time someone comes here (like a non) to ask what they can do to help us (pwbpd) the answer is always the same. nothing. you can't DO anything other than support and validate. we can't be 'fixed'. here in lies the problem with depression. he hasn't accepted that there is a problem, and until he does, you can't support and validate what he thinks doesn't exist.

I don't know what to do anymore! please someone tell me what I'm meant to do. I despise the person who he is now - there's nothing behind his eyes, he seems to have nothing but contempt for me, yet he wont tell me that the relationship is over. I don't know how i can be with someone like this, its so so hard. And i've got my own stresses and issues which i'm having to deal with all alone because of his mood. I've got BPD and this whole thing is just triggering me left right and centre - issues with neglect and abandonment and insecurity are coming up, and so i don't know how to be the strong person that he needs at the moment. I self harmed the other day for the first time in months, really really badly sliced my legs up, because I just cant deal with the pain that this is bringing up for me.
I don't want to lose him, but i cant work out a way that we can make it through this. What do i need to do to bring him back out of this?
thanks for your help.
O_C
xxx

zomg!!! o_c!! more & more e-hugs. do you have any place you can go and live? has that already been done? you need to step away. his pain is obviously causing you more (the SH) and the triggers are starting to grow between the both of you. it's going to be like walking through a land mine. the only way(s) to not lose him are to: not lose yourself and to let him not lose himself either. that requires space and time. how do you feel about that?

by **omalley_cat** » Thu Nov 01, 2012 8:50 am

hiya,
firstly thank you for your reply and for your e-hugs :-)

i think part of the difficulty is feeling like you're in this alone, and when someone recognises your pain and how difficult it is for you then it means the world. He's always been very embarrassed of his depression, and i know he doesnt like me to talk to people about it, so as a result I end up feeling very alone and unvalidated. So I really appreciate your response in that respect.
Secondly - about getting space. I know I should probably do that... At the moment, like I said, I'm moving house on my own and hoping that he'll decide that his love for me outweighs his fear and he'll commit. But because of my own issues, I have tendancies to be dependent. And (do i hear violins?) i've never experienced love like this before...no one has ever cared about me in the way he does. When he's well, its the most stable relationship i've had with anyone (including family). So getting space from that is kind of petrifying for me. Plus, i tend to have the lovely BPD trait of black and white thinking - like if i get space from him for a few days it means we've detached from eachother emotionally and its over. haha. I know its stupid, but you can see that logically but not feel it, you know?
i know i need to find a way of detangling myself from him though. Depressed people are incredibly powerful! he seems to have affected the entire house, including our pets. And my college work has really really slipped. I've missed loads of lectures and a couple of exams even! Plus, I self harmed the other day for the first time in months...which aint good.
depsite all this though, i cant help but think that i'm stronger than him. And i worry that if i get space from him now, he'll allow himself to really fall in to this depression and I wont be able to get him back, if you know what i mean. I spoke to his parents about what he was like before anti depressents, and they said all he did was stare in to space in a dark room , and if they came in to talk to him he'd treat them with such hatred that they couldnt bear to see him anymore. I dont want to let him slip in to that, and whilst i'm still in the house with him, I atleast can affect how much/what he eats, make sure he showers and leaves the bed atleast for a couple of hours. I can chat to him happily about my day to keep him having some social time atleast.
I just think that he would happily dive head first into his sadness if i let him, but currently I'm just about managing to keep him afloat...
To be honest, its taught me a lot about what it must be like to live with someone with our condition. My mum wasnt a great mum, but now i have more sympathy for her. She used to accuse me of using my emotions to hurt her, which wasnt the intention. But you can get so tangled up in someone that you love that you cant seperate them from you, and so now I can understand why she felt like that.
He seems a little better today. I even managed to talk to him about getting some help, and he admitted that his depression is debilitating him, which was a fantastic step. Now i just need to keep him on the right path and we'll be fine :-)

do you think i'm taking on too much? I know i've let college slip and that I've had moments where my emotions have become like his. but the most important thing in my life is him and my dog - like i said before, they are the only real good security i've ever had, and i dont want to abandon him when he needs me most...
thanks again for your reply...sorry for ranting again!! hahaa
0_c

depressed boyfriend

depressed boyfriend

ADVERTISEMENT

Re: depressed boyfriend

Re: depressed boyfriend

Who is online