Hate being average looking -feels like being in wrong body

Hi everyone,

I have been writing on this forum before. Right now my BDD is having it's control over me. It started some hour ago when I felt the urge to look at video clips of myself. I just have this urge sometimes, when I just have the desire to see myself from the outside. I have spent so much time infront of the mirror in my room trying to corrct my hair but it almost feels like I still don't know what I look like, even though I really should considering how much time I spent infront of the mirror and all the time I've been watching video clips of myself. But it still feels like I'm not quite sure.
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I'm watching this video clips of myself with this hope that I will atleast see some attractiveness/beauty in my appearence. I mean I'm 23 now. This is one of the years in a girls life when she should be as most beautiful. But when I look at myself it's not that obvious at all. When I see girls who are beautiful it's like the fact hits me right away. There is no uncertainy. A girl who is beautiful is beautiful. You see it right away. But when I watch video clips and pirctures of myself it's not obvious at all. I'm watching them over and over again but it's not obvious. I just want to see some attractiveness on myself but I can't see it. I just see a plain/average looking girl. And the problem is, I don't want to be average looking. I don't want to be that girl who looks so boring that she just "dissapears in the mass". I don't feel like being that peson on the inside.

And this is the damn thing - I almost feel like I'm born in the wrong body. It feels like I'm an attractive and beautiful girl on the inside, but I'm not that beautiful/gorgeous girl on the outside, which makes me really sad an frustrated, as this is what I want to be.

But I'm not that beautiful girl at all. I live in the body of an average looking girl and that makes me frustrated because I don't want to be freaking average looking. I want to be beautiful. I just want to feel at peace with the way I look when I see photos/videos of myself. But I guess though, that I have a really high standard when it comes to attractiveness to ever feel okay with my own looks.

Maybe this is the problem, that I have such a high standard when it comes to attractiveness. And I have no clue how to change this, as I feel that it's something I can't control, just like I can't control what kind of guys I find attractive and not.

Can anyone relate to what I'm writing? Do any of you feel that you are in the wrong body, like you are an attractive person on the inside but your outward appearence doesn't match with who you are on the inside?

Oh and it feels so damn frustrating as I feel that I kind do anything about this fact that I'm just average. I don't have any obvious flaws that I could eventually get corrected, like a big nose or such a thing. I'm just average looking and there's nothing I can do about it.

My mom gets really angry at me, calling me narcissistic and self-obsessed but I have BDD so I hope you guys can understand me in some ways and don't find my thoughts too strange.

I have had these thoughts for many many years and I seriously don't know what to do. I feel so damn depressed that I'm not the person I want to be and the fact that I can't do much either to be that person.

You did get to the real problem yourself in your post, so that is a really good thing. You do know it is the thoughts that you are letting in to think and dwell on. But at present you can't keep it at thoughts. You go check in the mirror to confirm thoughts. That sets up the compounding effects of BDD.
So let us all know that this is really a thought disorder. You get a thought that feels bad and rather than drop it because you know the thought is wrong, you go try and confirm it. You never can truly confirm it so you try and manage the anxiety of it by going to bed. BDD.
So all you have for guidance is your thinking from your mind and your emotion from your body response. You have to recognize that link and that wisdom coming from your body. If you have a thought that is simply wrong to think, how do you think your body is designed to let you know?
Then what do you need to do about that off thought?
Thought focus must be really important when we have no training in it. You might argue, you have to think on it as it is a problem. But equally you can argue the solution is to not think on it so the problem goes away.
You have a well worn path in your brain that does think this way, time to retrain your brain to focus on something else. Im big on getting your hands busy..Cooking is very immediate but whatever you can focus on is the key... FOCUS.
Love to all. Marg