My BDD story

Hi everyone!
I know I have been writing on this forum before but I thought I want to share my own experiences of how #######5 BDD can be. You can probably relate to what I've gone through on some points.

So this is my story.

I had BDD last summer. It’s a serious mental illness and should be taken seriosuly. BDD almost ended my life last summer when I was only 21 years old. I’ve always been scared of dying and to leave this world behind, but my BDD and the obsessive thoughts resulted in me wanting to end my life at a very young age.

You see, the last summer was a living hell. It was the time when my Body dysmorphic disordes was as worst. BDD can occur because of different resons. For me, BDD was the result of me cutting my own hair into a terrible haircut. I got totally obsessed with my hair. I know, it might sound really really wierd for people who don’t know how it is living with Body dysmorpic disorder, but seriously I was totally f***** obsessed.

My hair was the only thing I was thinking about through the days. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies and things that’s much more important because I was so tired and depressed. I felt that I couldn’t apply for jobs and go to interviews or go to the gym as I would have to take of my hoodie then.

To sum up what my Body dysmorpic disorder was all about, it was about my hair and my hair was the only thing I was thinking about and talking about from the time I got up in the morning to when I was lying in bed before going to sleep. My family got crazy of me talking about my hair 24/7. No one did understand and I felt so alone in my illness.

My BDD was the worst the last summer. It was 30 degrees outside and I walked around in my hoodie becuase I refused to show anwone my ugly haircut. My family got angry at me and told me to stop being so silly and just take that hoodie of, but I just felt I couldn’t. They were angry at me for something that I felt was out of my control.

I know, I know, I could have take that hoodie of, but I was just so afraid to look unattractive to anyone, even my family. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s what BDD is. You are afraid that other people will think you are ugly.

I also felt so insecure as my hair just couldn’t stay fine like everyone else does. It was that uneven haircut.. I seriously didn’t want anyone I know to see me, I even felt ashamed of my appearence infront of my own family and relatives.

When my family got angry at me because of this thing I could not control (my hair), it was honestly the thing that did hurt me the most. I always thoug they would support me no matter what, but my obsession with my hair made them so tired of me that it honestly felt like they were turning their backs at me. And that was the most painful. It felt like I had no one, that I was alone with my BDD.

This loneliness made me feel like I had nothing left that would be a reason for me to keep on living. I couldn’t study because of my depression, I couldn’t apply for jobs because my hair wasn’t representative enough, I couldn’t do things I usually enjoy and my own family hated me. These obsessive thoughts about my hair and making it look fine again were killing me. I know, it sounds really wierd for people who don’t have BDD, but these obsessive thoughts resulted in me wanting to end my life. I mean, they were the reason I lost everything that did matter in my life.

My family was angry at me and told me stop being so silly. I ran into my room, threw myself on my bed and cried in that way you know, when you have a hard time to breath.

I have never felt such a desire to leave. I have always been really afraid of dying and leave this world but seriosuly BDD and the obsessive thoughts made me totally indifferent. I wanted to die. I have never felt that before but last summer I did. I closed my eyes and painted a beautiful scenario in my head that two angels came to me when I was lying there in my bead and took me under my arms. I was only 21 years old last summer, I would turn 22 only a month later, but I was ready. I’ve never felt so ready to leave before. I’ve always wondered how people can go as far as taking their own lifes and which factors may cause that, and now I understand, because I’ve been there myself. Body dysmophic disorder is a real mental illness and it’s terrible to live with.

However, it was just impossible to stop breathing that day and I choosed to seek help. I was so tired of my situation and said to my family that I couldn’t deal with my situation anymore. I called for help, said I wanted to commit suicide because of my hair and my obsessive thoughts and I got help really quickly thankfully. I got to see a doctor already the day after and then I started to eat antidepressants (SSRI) beacause of my terrible depression.

Now it has gone a year since my summer of hell and thankfully I feel so much better! I’m not obsessed with my hair anymore. I’ve been to a hairdresser and it has grown a bit since last summer. Therefore, I feel ready to do all the things I couldn’t do the last summer, like dating guys. I downloaded Tinder as I feel it’s time now to get to know guys. I have matured as a person and I feel more ready than before.

I’m really thankful and happy of all the help I’ve got here in Sweden. The doctors I met took me seriosuly and therefore they saved my life. And I want to add that I don’t regret in any kind of way that I’ve started eating antidepressants (Sertraline). I feel so much happier now in general and I’m way more outgoing than before, which obviously is a plus.

Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to it somewhat, for my first preoccupation was my hair. (I had a terrible fear of going bald). It was truly hell.

Good to hear you are better.

Nino