being ugly is killing me

Hi!! I've been struggling with severe bdd since I was 13 (I'm now 18) to the point where I dropped out of school at 14, along with cutting all of my friends off completely because the anxiety that came with showing my face was just too much. I haven't spoken to any of my friends since, despite some attempts to reach out to me over text, got no more education, and very very rarely leave the house. Even then it's only to walk my dog early in the morning where not many people will be around, and I can't go out without my hood up, even in the hottest weather and I just look plain stupid, but the thought of not hiding myself at least in that way terrifies me. If anyone at all comes into my house, including family that don't live with me, I have to hide. I can't stand the thought of someone seeing me while I look the way I do. I feel guilty and ashamed and judged whenever anyone looks at me.

I still can't accept that I have bdd. I know I look the way I see myself, since most of the stuff I struggle with was pointed out by people that were close to me (and some others) before I even noticed myself. I have big crooked bunny teeth, a giant forehead, big nose, crooked lips, a big crooked weird shaped jaw, uneven, weird tired looking eyes, and just an ugly face shape in general. I don't look feminine at all, just disgusting. My skin isn't the best, and while I don't care as much about that since it's a normal thing, I still obsess over it an unhealthy amount. But my asymmetry is what gets me most. Half of my face is so deformed and messed up, and I can't work out how or why but it's so wrong to look at and different to the other that it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I literally look like an alien or the ugliest monster you could imagine, and I've had these flaws confirmed multiple times which I love for me. People can't even lie to make me feel better because it's that bad!!!

I've had therapy in the past but not only is it impossible for me to talk about my flaws since it brings more attention to them, I also sat there the entire time every single session with a huge coat and hood where you could only see my eyes, sweating and wanting to die. I had to be the most difficult patient to deal with, and you can imagine how uncomfortable and frustrating that was for both of us, so yeah, that had to be stopped (not that it helped at all anyways).

I feel like I'm slowly accepting that my life will never get easier or more pleasurable than this. All I want is friends, a job, a family of my own, just a basic life, and to be able to accept myself no matter what I look like, but I'll never get any of that. I'm too ugly and horrifying to be loved in any way whatsoever. Who am I as a person doesn't make up for my face, I can't stand my personality either (It's definitely more acceptable than my face, though, and most of my personality is ruined by my lack of self-confidence and depression). If I were to talk about how worthless I am and how much I can't stand myself in general, I'd be here for 50 years.

With accepting that comes knowing I should end my life or I'll live in unbearable pain forever. I've been suffering suicidal thoughts for so long so this isn't anything new, but I've always had a problem with gathering the courage to go ahead with it.

Anyways, I'm not sure what I expect to get out of writing this but I guess I just wanted to get some feelings out (It's 4am and I'm extremely sleep deprived so I'm expecting this to be a bunch of jibberish when I reread). It'd be nice to know if anyone can relate to any part of my situation, though I also wouldn't wish it on anyone, so it'd be nice if no one did too lmao. I think everyone else deserves happiness and is capable of being happy, just not me, so if you're suffering, hang in there!!! I have faith that things will get a lot easier for you

I can relate to what you're saying about hiding from others you know whenever they come by at your house. It's so hard for me to look at others in the eye. And I'm just like you, most of my insecurities are confirmed by others as well even family members. It's hard to practice self-love when you're always paranoid that other people will always judge you and notice your flaws. Although you may not think this way, I think that you deserve to be happy as well and everyone else here. I feel as if it's unfair how we've been dealt with these cards, but as you said just hang in there. You're not the only one who feels this way at all, and I really hope that we can all feel gradually better. I hope that in some way, you find comfort in knowing you're not alone on this, and that you're certainly not alone in hoping and working on feeling better. Stay strong!