Coping with BDD

Hi I probably should have done this a long time ago and have only recently accepted I need some help.

I am going to give as much information about myself as possible and be totally honest as obviously with not having to physically see people on here I feel I can be more open.

I have quite a strange life as on the surface I look like I have everything but I think people would be surprised to know how I see myself. I am in my twenties and can accept I am quite nice looking lad although I have had things done to enhance my confidence. I have had a nose job, fillers/Botox etc and am kind of content with how I look a lot of the time. I do however have horrendous moments when minor things become a crisis and impact on my moods and family relationships.

For example, I have what is now very mild acne but when I have the slightest outbreak I’m like a different person. Yesterday I saw my reflection and I think due to a combination of a recent holiday/sun exposure and quite a nasty spot, I looked like I had developed some very minimal scarring, it totally changed my day and I felt really down. I check my hair for any sign of thinning/receding at least three times a day even though I know deep down there isn’t any. I worry I will get spots when I haven’t got any and when I have got some worry how I will cover them. (Even though I’ve become quite an expert at this!!)

I’m not in the least bit arrogant but I do realise how lucky I am too. I am around six foot three, with dark hair, tanned, in good shape (possibly from over exercise that isn’t always for the right reasons), I have lovely clothes and jewellery that stand out a mile and I do get a lot of compliments. I work as a safeguarding practitioner in a secondary school and the kids absolutely love me, I have recently changed jobs and the cards and presents I got with some of the letters made me realise the impact I had. I got a job that I was chosen to do out of 156 candidates and do recognise I obviously have something about me that does appeal to people. Even at uni on my law degree I stood out, I was the only one who went to work with judges/barristers etc and I am actually quite a confident person.

As I mentioned I aren’t trying to portray myself in a way that isn’t entirely accurate I just want to give both sides. When people tell me how they think I look I feel like saying “do you know how long this took and how much worrying I went through the previous night to get to this point”? It’s like a front almost. Even working in a school I realised I had issues when I could comfortably deal with the most challenging circumstances and students whereas more experienced staff couldn’t but the hour in the mirror in the morning terrified me more than anything.

I noticed how kids responded to me because of what I wore and how I looked and despite me loving my job and it been beneficial it only reinforced my thoughts about how important someone’s appearance is. I accept they got to like me for me but at first they took to me because I wore designer clothes and jewellery. I then felt I needed to always look my best, new haircuts, no signs of ageing etc, new suits all the time. I work hard so I understand I should treat myself but it become an obsession. I had a few compliments on my eyelashes for example and now use £100 eyelash cream that lasts a month, I feel like I I stop I become less attractive and somehow have less value.

On my recent holiday I went with family to Benidorm and I’m not stuck up in any way but it’s not exactly a health and fitness club. Just so that the women would check my tan and body I did sit-ups and press-ups every single morning of the holiday, even pretty hungover. The worst of it is when I was getting these looks it all felt worthwhile. Inside though I wish I’d ate what I wanted, slept in and smiled more because at the end of the day what are them looks really worth?

It is also worth mentioning I lost my dad to suicide in 2012 and my mum often thinks it could be delayed grief. She understands a bit but it’s hit and miss in truth. I may sound a bit selfish when people read this but I have a really good heart. When this happened with my dad I was there all the time for my younger brothers and having a job in the school my youngest one went to made us especially close, I do feel that’s changing a bit now though, partly because he’s left school and a little because of the way I am sometimes. I rebuilt my damaged relationship with my sister as well and we are quite close although because she lives away and the times I can be hard work it can be difficult for her too.

This is the part that might be slightly weird by the way! With no planning whatsoever and I don’t even remember the ins and outs of it now I got properly spanked by a girl I really liked. I felt different for ages after, I didn’t worry as much and I was more relaxed. I started to visit dominatrixes (when I say started to visit I’ve been six times in my life by the way). I know it’s not ideal to relieve this anxiety but I do wonder if it’s the worst idea in the world. I don’t drink or smoke and it’s not like I’m self medicating with cocaine or heroin, it’s just something that works for me.

In terms of other ways to manage it my skin routine is very precise and any change to it for whatever reason doesn’t help my moods at all. I always have creams etc in reserve and I do worry how this will be financially sustainable. I also feel a little because I wasn’t an angel from about 16-22 that I don’t really deserve all the opportunities I get and wonder if I’m punishing myself in this way. I was lucky that at 18/19 when a close friend of mine was convicted for something that i was not and that still plays on my mind a little.

I am a lot better when I’m busy which is probably why I’m doing this in the six weeks holidays but it’s still always there. I do however try and utilise this in a positive way and find I can be so empathetic to school students having issues because of my own. I even told a couple of students who I recognised were having the same issues I was within about 15 seconds of meeting them and I did all I could to help them and am so proud to say it made a difference. I sort of want this to stop for me but also so I don’t push my family away and can do my best for the kids I work with. I’m pleased it’s never actually affected my job, I’ve never had one day off. I’ve had to carry mirrors in my pockets etc to cope at times but it’s always been a quick check in the toilet as oppose to anything excessive.

I do also worry if I make more of it than it is because I am not the only person that worries about how they look and I have extended periods when I am genuinely fine.

Does anyone have any advice as to how I can manage this/will it get worse/better, will it be there forever, when I do properly age how do I cope with that, is this common? Any advice at all really!

Hi.

It's good that you look after your appearance so well but it dose sound excessive. Maybe seeing a therapist could help. There's a therapy called CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which is about gradually changing your thoughts and the way you act on them. A therapist can help you to change things gradually so it won't cause too much anxiety. If not you could try setting yourself small challenges, for example if you look in the mirror at certain times in the day you could try cutting out one of the times for a while. You'll probably feel very anxious at first but the anxiety will eventually go down. The more you practice things like this the easier it will get. That's the idea of CBT. You can try it on your own but I'd recommend seeing a therapist, they can also talk through the thoughts you might have which cause you to check yourself in the mirror and help you to challenge those thoughts. For example you might think 'If I don't look my best people will think I've let myself go.'. A therapist might challenge that thought by asking questions like 'Do you know for sure that people will think that? Do you have any evidence?'. Eventually you can get used to challenging your own thoughts.

I think my BDD gets worse when I'm not doing anything as well, probably because you have nothing else to focus on. Maybe try to find something social to do while it's the holidays, whether it's a social group or just hanging out with friends, just something that will get you out of the house and keep your mind occupied.

I hope this helps.

V