Complicated ‘Dating’ Predicament (He’s a prisoner)

Hi everyone. This is my first post, so I hope I’m doing this right. I’ll make this as brief as possible (not easy for me lol). Two months ago I ended up corresponding with a prison inmate who lives one state away from me. I was NOT seeking romance – or anything else really – how we began talking at all was one of those unexplainable fluke type things. Anyway. After two months of letters and seeing a few photos of me, he’s talking the ‘L’ word and after seeing him on video and getting closer and closer, I am starting to have feelings for him too. I know how crazy that sounds, I ‘get’ it – this type of relationship isn’t for everyone and I’m probably just lonely and romanticizing this, but that’s beside the point.

He has only seen a handful of pics of me, and believe me it took me days to decide which ones to send, and even then my anxiety was through the absolute roof. I ended up sending one kinda faraway pic that I can tolerate (one of only a few) and that people always say looks good, and one filtered one (the asian apps that enhance your face). He told me he was shocked at how beautiful I was and if I got them out of a magazine, which is funny to me considering how I see myself. I then decided to send him a ‘racy’ pair of photos a few days ago, (bra showcasing breasts, no face shot at all to protect my identity) and got the same reaction, him not believing it’s me yada yada yada. He told me I am his dream girl (not just cause of looks) and I have a great ‘set’ if you know what I mean. The pics I took were a fluke…my ‘girls’ were propped up in a push up bra and for some reason they looked a thousand times better than they actually do (no shopping, just a fluke and the push up bra, they ‘fall’ lopsided when out of bra) in real life. I feel like I catfished him, even though the pics are truly me. There is no way he would find me beautiful irl and when I think of how disappointed he will be, I become very depressed, almost to the point of feeling sick (wasn’t planning on meeting irl at first, but now we’re getting emotional and more serious…he may be up for parole in a few months). I don’t know what I was thinking starting a relationship at all, but it took on a life of its own. I have not disclosed mental illness and still wonder if I have BDD because my (MANY, more than most people) flaws aren’t ‘in my head’ they are totally real.

I am terrified he’s gonna ask to see me on video to prove I am who I say I am. That is WAY out of my comfort zone, (I live in terror of 'skype' or anything like that where I can't control my image) so what should I do or say if he asks for a videogram? I *may* be in a position to have rhinoplasty in the not too distant future, but that’s not for awhile…and doesn’t solve all my other flaws.

Thank you for reading.

Honestly you are likely to be gorgeous but your self talk will not allow you to see yourself as others see you. How you feel about what you are saying is the key to unlock you from the tyranny of your thinking. You feel bad and anxious and totally overwhelmed. That is your guidance telling you your thoughts are wrong. It is in your head and that is a good thing to know. You will have some flaws, we all do. That is not why you feel bad though. It is all down to the thoughts you let in. If the thoughts were true, you wouldn't feel this bad. You never feel bad discussing someone else's flaws..just the ones you believe you see in you. But a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. Do anything you can to let go of the thinking and choose a thought that feels better. As soon as you feel the thought come in with an attack of emotion, that is the signal to get off this thought train immediately. It is not going anywhere you will want to go..destination Pain.
So you have a thought that Skype would be fearful to contemplate. Immediately the fear tells me the thought must be wrong to think or you wouldn't feel fear. So tweak the thought. Maybe it is not so bad. Maybe I look better than I think. You feel better as soon as you improve your thought choice.
You will notice you keep trying to justify how bad you feel by blaming it on how bad you look. You just have never been taught to consider how bad you feel is because of the thoughts you let yourself think about your looks. If you get off the train as soon as you notice it feels bad, you will save yourself the grief. You can feel a whole lot better as soon as you start to practice some control over thought choice.
While you are so caught up with your own blame thinking, you are not at all cautious about his status. He is probably way more mucked up than you think you are. So be careful not to fall too easily. Let yourself feel good about yourself. Let your looks off the hook. Find relief by soothing yourself with what you say. It feels good to hear approval from someone else. But it would be even nicer to hear it coming from yourself. You have taken some really good pictures even by your own account.
Wish you well. Marg