Why cant I do my work??!!! I'm going CRAZY HERE!!!

what is wrong with me???? I am in a terrible state right now!!! All I need to do is to do my work!!! I just need to retouch my pictures and place the stinking orders. Just process the stupid pictures from RAW to JPEG!!! Why can't I effing just effing make my effing self do it??? I've got people waiting for their orders and all I have to do is to just DO IT!!! And I just can't seem to force myself to do it!! Or won't!! I hate myself so bad right now! I swear!!! I feel like I could take a baseball bat and beat myself over the head with it, but I won't of course.

There have been times recently that I just think, if only someone would stand over me with a gun to my head, and threaten me, then maybe then I'd do my pictures.

Ugh, I'm in such a low place right now, but not depressed it's like an agitated angry messed up place!!!

I can't decide if my lack of doing my work is my bipolar II interfering or just me being an extreme petulant loser who hates her job and just won't do it because she's a selfish effing disgusting freak.

Ugh.

For what it's worth, you basically described this week for me. I do about 10 minutes of work every hour and the rest of the time I'm refreshing my inbox, facebook, these forums, and randomly walking around. Just can't concentrate on the stupid $#%^ I'm supposed to be doing. :/

Oh God what I'd give to do 10 stupid minutes of work an hour! I'm feeling a teeny bit better now, less totally lost it as a few minutes ago. I've actually got my laptop open and in my lap, and Photoshop is open, and I can see the pictures. I have my customer's order forms next to me, so that's a step. I feel almost deep boned dread, shaky feeling thinking about it. What's wrong with me lol, it's just stupid little pictures. I just feel so overwhelmed, I completely understand how you feel. I just want to quit this so bad, and just not be a photographer. I've been one for over 10 years now, and am quite talented actually, but I just can't cope with almost the smallest orders! I just freeze!! It's like I'm afraid of them, like they are some bad guy waiting to ruin my life.

We need the money (what little I'm able to squeak out with no advertising and bad word of mouth lol due to long wait times to receive your orders lol), so I can't just quit, and my hubby says it's such a shame to waste a God-given talent. Ugh. I just don't care actually it's quite comical in a morbid way, I'm feeling like, "God, how DARE you give me this talent so now I have to feel like a loser if I don't use it!!" LOL

Honestly mindykay, I am so happy that I am not the only one with this problem. (I know me being happy doesn't help you though!)

I. Can. Not. Focus. Worth. $#%^. I can type, be on forums, refresh Facebook, drink scary amounts of tea, work out and refresh Facebook again. That's about it. I can't focus on work. My bank account BEGS me to focus on work, but that just isn't going to happen. I can't. And one of the many things I need to do is process pictures from RAW to JPEG. Guess what? I still haven't done it.

I think in my case at least it's that constant worry that BP has eaten my brain that makes me avoid testing it just in case it indeed has :/

oliveira wrote:Honestly mindykay, I am so happy that I am not the only one with this problem. (I know me being happy doesn't help you though!)

I. Can. Not. Focus. Worth. $#%^. I can type, be on forums, refresh Facebook, drink scary amounts of tea, work out and refresh Facebook again. That's about it. I can't focus on work. My bank account BEGS me to focus on work, but that just isn't going to happen. I can't. And one of the many things I need to do is process pictures from RAW to JPEG. Guess what? I still haven't done it.

I think in my case at least it's that constant worry that BP has eaten my brain that makes me avoid testing it just in case it indeed has :/

Yay!! Another Photog? You're being happy does kinda help me actually. I know the feeling, and also just knowing someone else is sooo much like this makes me not feel so crazy. I always have a fear that maybe it's not related to Bipolar II at all (not that I'm using it as a crutch, I don't think so anyway), but my worst fear is that I'm just evil and lazy and that's why. I'd much rather it be related to Bipolar so it's not me being evil. So hearing about other people struggling with the same thing confirms more to me that it's not a moral defect on my part, but it's due to an illness out of my hands. I'm newly diagnosed, and haven't been prescribed meds yet, so I'm hoping they will help me eventually. Life can be such an internal struggle sometimes.

Graphic designer (and many other things, due to excess creativity ) In this case I took photos at my boyfriend's exhibition's opening, and I was going to post them on Facebook. The camera is here. Photoshop isn't exactly far away. But I just can't. I have no explanation why. And I know I am not lazy or evil, I've worked my tits off a few months ago when hypomanic. I am on medication but it's still early days (the working dosage was only reached three days ago) -- and I very much hope that it will get me my normal mojo back!

I did read that both depressive and manic phases can take away our focus, mindykay -- so yeah, I do blame the illness. Also because... well... I don't have any better ideas as to why I am acting like this -- it's not me. I am normally very proud of the work I do, and I do a lot of it. Just not in the last weeks. Which is partly why I went to see a doctor and why the entire thing unveiled.

I have always (up until the last year-ish) taken great pride in my work. My craft, making beautiful images that people look at and love, weep, have joy, whatever. It has given me such deep satisfaction to do this for people, and myself to be honest. Now it just feels like such a heavy burden. The joy is all gone for me now. So hopefully meds will help me with that. I just never meet any deadlines anymore, on anything really, but especially photography. I get it done, just wayyyy late. Like today, I finally did get my order done, but it should have been done about 3 weeks ago. Things like that. And a wedding, it's been 7 months and they still don't have their stuff. Things like that. I mean I know I'll eventually get it to them, but my God, they should not have to wait that long. I don't like to take any more jobs because I feel like it's mroe than I can handle right now, but I do still. I mean, I hardly have business, but right now any is more than I can handle.

Photography is the longest I have ever stuck with anything. I think it's because I can't fire myself lol!! And I can have months where I have no business (winter) so I have recoup time. It's helps. Furthering my craft used to be an obsession. Hopefully I get the love of it back.

All I can add here is to say that I completely understand this. I get the same way about my job and it seems to always coincide with a "down" or totally depressed mood. It's sickening because I can get days behind, and getting days behind puts me in a deep hole that is hard as hell to dig out of because my job is so demanding.

I understand.

I feel the way you do. Ive been doing computer repair now for 17 years, if I look at one more broken computer I think Ill throw it against the wall. I feel trapped, like a slave, like someone IS holding a gun to my head. Day in and day out, same thing over and over. I think this is a big part of depression. Some people say that routine is good for depression. I STRONGLY disagree . I think routine , make is much much worse. One thing that I have learned with getting motivated is DONT THINK ABOUT IT! Just start it. Put the first few seconds of work into it, and its ok from there. Its the thinking about it, thats the hard part. I mean isnt it true that dreading the work, is worse the the actual work itself? Try this excersise where you dont think about it, and just dive right in for the first minute and start working. Its the ONLY way I get work done. The other thing is break the routine. Depression makes it so we have no motivation, and no energy, but try to do things a little different , even small things. For me since I dont work from home, Im recently taking new routes to work every day. A small thing, but I believe routine is the fuel for depression.

Yesterday, I finally DID start on my work... I picked up my laptop, turned it on, and opened Photoshop. I opened my ordering software, and placed the order forms next to me. I opened the first file, and worked on it. It seemed that once I did that, I was able to finish it finally. I actually put in the order! I felt soooooo much better after I was done. Just actually touching the forms and placing them next to me and opening Photoshop and my ordering software was the steps I needed to get the train a movin' lol. It really helped!