Well...

I am bipolar type 1, rapid cycling, among other tasty diagnoses. Had a fight with my girlfriend that I knew I was consciously prompting so we could break up; it worked. This was yesterday. I feel as though I payed her a tremendous compliment in doing this. I promptly disconnected my phone. Crazy, eh? I live life like anesthesia in the sun. But, now...I just feel like...lonely, I guess. It's all so backwards.

Anyway, sup?

Site seems legitimate.

I do that, start fights to force a breakup. I often feel like I really am doing them a favor because I'm so ###$ up. I get really down on myself afterwards, I feel lonely but I also know I'm the one who caused it.

I don't know why I push people away. I remember in my last breakup, I told my boyfriend that I couldn't be emotionally responsible for anyone but myself because honestly my moods have been out of control.

I can't give into thinking that it will always be like this for me though. For me it's like manic wants freedom and depressive doesn't want to be alone. Bipolar is such a daily struggle so I'm just hoping I can integrate it into my life in a way that I can cope with it and one day have a good relationship.

I used to do this ages ago, because as a child/teenager I had to cope with a lot of rejection. And so it was easier for me to break up, then wait until they break up with me (which I subconsciously assumed must happen anyway). Yes, I'd end up lonely, but at least it was "a choice".

I do this almost without realizing it. Maybe it is because you think she won't be able to stay with you forever and deal with your Bipolar Disorder so you are ending it for her.

Yeah, I am resiliently of the mind that I was doing her this humongous favor, what I feel be damned, because that's just how it goes. She was none too upset, so I can rest somewhat assured she felt the same way. Granted, the span of our relationship was none too grand. I always find myself stuck in a sordid state due to either action or the absence of it. Thought I would outgrow these childish whims, but, alas, I am nowhere far from where I was 6 years ago as an emotionally f*cked 18 year old.

And so darkness sets...

I am begging of myself interpretations of the riddles I create, but nobody's ever home. Maybe I should navigate the medical route once more.

I don't know.

Medication could be a very helpful route to take. You could try it, it never hurts to try!