New here, hi!

I'm a 25yo mom, wife, and small business owner with BP2. I've known I wasn't like everyone else starting probably at 12yo. I was never like my friends, I was moody, unhappy and didn't fit in. I started taking anti-depressants at a young age, around 16. I'm not the kind to stay on meds and have been on and off of them since first being prescribed. BP has taken over my life. Most days I don't get up until 9, and only that early because of my 2 yo (beautiful, amazing, and perfect) daughter. I've been fired from 9 out of 10 jobs due to my depressive state or I quit because I find it hard to get to work on time or at all. It has negatively effected my marriage of six years and neither of us can get over the pain my BP has caused us. I've gained a whopping 100lbs since marriage and I blame a lot of that on my BP2. I have been a photographer for a couple of years and I feel like I'm finally on the up and up when it comes to self-reliance. Only problem is, I may have a great day full of bookings and accolades and it puts me in a great mood, but for a very short time. I go right back to feeling worthless, hopeless and like a massive failure. I really am talented, full of dreams and I've worked hard to get where I am, but I'm tired. I'm always tired. Always on the verge of tears and meds didn't seem to help that. I've had a great life, great parents, and nothing but support from my loved ones. I just can't seem to dig myself out ofnthe sadness. Thanks for reading this, and any advice would be great.

Hi OkieGal,
Welcome to the forum! You sound like you're really having a tough time of it... I'm really sorry to hear that. As I read your posting, two things stuck out to me as being the main issues: getting over how BP (and the behaviors it induced) has affected many areas of your life and your meds not working.

The meds issue is, I supposed, the "easier" of the two to address. If you are feeling extremely lethargic to the point where you feel like you're barely participating in life, you are right... your meds aren't cutting it for you. I would address that issue immediately with the person prescribing you the meds. You didn't mention if a pdoc or reg doc is giving you those. If you're getting them from your primary physician (or GP), you might want to see a pdoc. If you are seeing a pdoc, then let them know asap your physical and emotional feelings and work with them to try something new out with you. Meds, unfortunately, are trial and error for all of us because we each have unique brain chemistry and, therefore, we have to give more than one med a go to see what helps and what doesn't work.

The "getting over all that BP history" is another thing. I wrestled with that too. Prior to my diagnosis I just classified myself as a real 'nutcase', but getting the diagnosis really helped me understand WHY I was behaving the way I was (and also why I'd lost friends over and over and over). The important thing for each of us to become as healthy as we can with this condition is that we 1) accept that we have it 2) that uncontrolled BP did have a hand in us controlling our behavior , and most importantly 3) forgiving ourselves for things we've done when unhealthy. You are not the only person who has done things you regret while your BP was not properly managed. This does not make you a bad person either. For you to begin healing, you need to forgive yourself and your partner needs to as well. Neither of you can move forward if you both are stuck in what you've done in the past. You didn't mention if you are seeing a therapist... are you? If not, that might be a good idea. A trained counselor can help you work past your own feelings about the past and then in a couples counseling situation, work with the both of you to work on healing the part of the relationship that was harmed by your behavior. There's no reason to keep yourself in the hell of reliving the past and letting the past interfere with your present and future. You (as do we all) deserve happiness. We can't go back and erase the past (boy, lemme tell ya- I'd love to do that to my own!), but what we can do is try our best to move forward. That starts by telling ourselves that beating ourselves up needs to stop at some point.

I really am glad you came here. I know you're feeling really crappy right now and I hope you start to feel a little better soon. We're all ears for whatever you'd like to post

Many hugs,
Kosh