Bipolar bf having an episode? Feeling devastated. HELP!!

Hello all,

I am new to this forum and have come here because I have no one to really talk to about my bipolar bf who understands what bipolar is.

We have been dating for about 4 months, going on 5 (or would have been 5). The first 2 months were great--he was super into me, telling me how much he loves me, how he wants to marry me, how he wants to fly me across the country to meet his family, how sweet I am, how amazing I am, how important I am to him, etc. I thought this was great and we had a strong connection and got along so well. He wanted to spend so much time with me--he would sleep over, have breakfast and coffee with me, then ask if we could do something that afternoon and then he would spend the night again. I had never dated someone so interested in me who valued the same things I did and had such an enjoyable personality, and I thought I had met the perfect match.

By the 3rd month, he started to withdraw. As we approached the 3rd month, we started having more arguments, over things I thought were not that serious. If he became frustrated with something, he would take it out on me. He would snap at me if I didn't or couldn't provide a quick enough answer to anything he asked me. He ended up ignoring me for days and started telling me that I forced him into a relationship and that he never wanted anything this serious with expectations, etc. After being persistent and not leaving him alone, he finally broke down and told me how serious his depression was and how he had been avoiding not only me, but his family too.

Long story short, he ended up seeing a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with mixed bipolar disorder. The doctor started him on Seroquel, but I am not sure what the initial dosage was--he started taking two pills before bed each night. In the midst of all this, he told me he was committed to me and wasn't going anywhere.

The medication seemed to make a difference immediately. Slowly but surely he was returning to his old self--upbeat, interested in spending time with me, etc.

Then school started. We are in grad school so our lives tend to be chaotic. When we first started dating we agreed to maintain a relationship here we would have to balance our time and make an effort to keep everything stable. He started pulling back when school started and became seemingly uninterested in me. He started snapping at me here and there or telling me he can't relate to me. It became difficult to try to spend time with him. Last weekend we went to dinner with a friend, and he changed his mind 3 times in 1 hour about whether or not he wanted to go. He ended up going and then randomly texting me that night to see if he could come over. I jumped at it of course, because for months now he has not wanted to spend extended periods of time with me or spend a night with me.

He was all over me. He was being sweet again and super into me. The next morning he left and the rest of the weekend and following week he was distant. Meanwhile, I have been blowing him up with texts because I feel so anxious around him and insecure about us. The inconsistency makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and that I am just not good enough. He has blown me off for weeks. This past week he told me that the problem isn't the bipolar, he's actually just too busy and cannot make me a priority. That hurt my feelings deeply. Finally, yesterday I sent him a text message breaking it off. I made it clear that I want to be with him but I cannot be with him if he says he is too busy for me.

He didn't respond at all. When he didn't respond, I thought I did the right thing because it was clear he did not care anymore. Then I began to worry, and I texted him to see if he was okay. No response. This morning I called a few times and finally he answered with "what?" He told me that when he read that text he felt the best he's felt in a while and that I overwhelm him and that our relationship has just changed and he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He told me I forced him to be with me and that he never wanted anything this serious with so many expectations. He told me I pushed him away. I told him it feels like I don't even know him anymore and that if something is wrong he needs to tell me and he said nothing is wrong I just don't want a relationship anymore and I said, "It's been 4 months. How do you go from being so in love with me to detesting me?" He repeated that he just didn't want this anymore and that nothing was going on or wrong with him. I became so mad that I called him an asshole and told him how others in our program thinks he acts like a dick sometimes and hung up and he called back saying everyone can ###$ off and so can I.

Then he texted me asking for his things back and told me I made a dirty move. I responded by saying, "I think you are having an episode and I am not saying this from a condescending place, I care about you." He responded with "How dare you. You're way off."


I am so hurt by all of this and emotionally drained. One day I'm amazing, the next day he just doesn't want anything to do with me. I'll try to plan things with him and he tells me "I'll think about it." I feel crazy because I end up sending these long text messages telling him how I feel and I'll get no response and he'll later tell me I just overwhelm him and that I need to stop, but then he continues to be distant when the reason I am so upset is because he is so distant. I have been very supportive of him through all of this and it felt like a slap in the face when he told me he just doesn't have time for me and that he isn't depressed anymore he's just too busy for me. It cut deep when he said he feels the best he's felt in a while since I broke up with him. Sometimes I do not know if it's the bipolar talking or if he is just a dick to his girlfriends. I honestly feel like I don't know him at all anymore. I feel anxious around him, and when we talk he has a way of speaking to me like I am an idiot if I am not quick enough for him. I love him so much just for the person that he is, not just because when he is happy he showers me with attention. But I can't keep up with him, I feel like it is his responsibility to communicate to me when he is not feeling right rather than leave me stressed out feeling like he just doesn't want me anymore. The doctor recently increased his dosage, but otherwise he hasn't told me much about how the medicine is making him feel or how he feels at all these days.

Any advice or comments are appreciated.

Sorry that you're having such a tough time. Bipolar disorder is definitely rough on loved ones as well.

As hard as it is, it may be best to give him some space.

For me, when I'm in the middle of a rough swing all logic flips on its head. My family and closest friends become terrifying, I want nothing to do with them and sometimes even feel animosity towards them.

Navigating bipolar disorder is a difficult and tricky road. While your intentions are good, even the prospect of any kind of romantic relationship can be stressful in and of itself.

Giving him time and space is probably the best thing to do for now.

I wish all the best for you. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions/want to talk etc.

Sorry to hear you have been hurt so much by this

CHanges in mood from BP can certainly affect relationships and change how into someone the person with BP is - but we have a responsibility to behave decently and having bipolar does not negate that.

I dont know whether his behaviour is down to BP or him being an arse to his partners or a combination of both but it sounds like he has treated you badly. It also sounds like he is not necessarily too focused on getting better from what you have said.

Given this how do you feel about withdrawing a bit even for a while to try to get yourself to a stronger place and also see how he goes - perhaps with time things will improve?

Cracked

Hi orange!
Sorry this is going on in your life. I'm glad you came to the site and made a posting... that speaks so much to how much of a caring person you are to seek out advice. I'm by no means a professional, but I really do whole heartedly agree with what Cracked said to you about treating people respectfully. Especially in a newish relationship without knowing the other person's personality inside and out, it's hard to say whether his behavior is being driven by his uncontrolled BP or just him being a jerk. In either case though, he has no right to subject you to his volatile swings in opinion about your relationship or his not-so-nice ways of speaking to you. If he's just a jerk and was very good at hiding it from you early on, then maybe this is just his real personality finally shining through. If it is the BP, then that's still no excuse. He has a responsibility (as do we all with our conditions) to work towards trying to be as healthy as he can with the condition. That means *trying* to treat others kindly and apologizing if we recognize that we've not done that. It also means diligently taking our meds and letting our doctor know if those meds aren't quite working like we think we should. It also means LISTENING to those who are close to us (and not being defensive and offended) when they tell us that our behavior is a little (or a lot) "off"- people closest to us can many times detect changes in our mood states that we, ourselves, cannot see.

BP is a mood disorder which means that, unfortunately, how we're feeling (and acting) can swing wildly from up to down and all over the place. A lot of times we lash out and treat those closest to us badly. BUT, it is our responsibility to try to the best of our ability to not do that, or like I said before, apologize to others when we hurt them because we were not in control.

It is clear you really care about him. If his actions/words are being driven by the BP, it is clear that the condition is not yet managed. It's his responsibility to try to rectify that. You are NOT his whipping post. The decision to stay or go is yours, and I'm not telling you to dump him- it's something that only you can and should decide. But I think it's a lose-lose situation for you to subject yourself to someone who is either a jerk or with uncontrolled BP. The important thing for you to know in either case is that YOU are not to blame for his behavior. We all have to take care of ourselves- yes, you too. It's important for us to surround ourselves with people who add something to our lives. Every now and again I find it really helpful for me to take time to think about the people in my life. When there's someone who's draining me or taking more than giving, I do consider whether or not it's beneficial for them to continue to be in my life. Trust me, distancing myself from someone isn't easy because I do feel guilty and sad and all those emotions. But in the end, I remind myself that (especially because of my BP) I must take care of myself and ensure that I have supportive people around me.

I know this post probably sounds like I'm pushing hard to convince you to leave him... but, honestly, the real point of all this is to let you know it is ok for you to do whatever you feel is in your best interest. Thinking of yourself is not bad- it's healthy.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Many hugs,
Kosh

orange12345678 wrote:He was all over me. He was being sweet again and super into me. The next morning he left and the rest of the weekend and following week he was distant. Meanwhile, I have been blowing him up with texts because I feel so anxious around him and insecure about us.

I know it must be difficult having someone so hot and cold. However it seems to me throughout your post I keep hearing that he is telling you that he needs space, and that this relationship is too heavy for him and you keep pushing for more. Blowing someone up with texts is likely to annoy him if he is not ready for that kind of serious committed relationship and is likely to cause him to be even more distant. This isn't that long term of a relationship. He likely could have been scared off by the talk of marriage and all of that even if he was engaging in the conversation.

orange12345678 wrote:He didn't respond at all. When he didn't respond, I thought I did the right thing because it was clear he did not care anymore. Then I began to worry, and I texted him to see if he was okay. No response. This morning I called a few times and finally he answered with "what?" He told me that when he read that text he felt the best he's felt in a while and that I overwhelm him and that our relationship has just changed and he doesn't want to be in a relationship. He told me I forced him to be with me and that he never wanted anything this serious with so many expectations.

Again, why are you texting him and calling him if you ended the relationship? It's the time to start going no contact. It sounds to me like he is feeling like you just won't leave him alone even after you break up with him. From someone who has a fear of abandonment, I can see how you might feel and how this can cause great anxiety for you, but perhaps you can try calling a friend of yours and explaining how you feel to them rather than calling him.

orange12345678 wrote:I responded by saying, "I think you are having an episode and I am not saying this from a condescending place, I care about you."

This is probably the worst thing you could have said even if you were coming from a caring place. It invalidates all that he has been feeling. If my boyfriend said that to me even if I was having an episode, I too would be pissed.

orange12345678 wrote:I feel crazy because I end up sending these long text messages telling him how I feel and I'll get no response and he'll later tell me I just overwhelm him and that I need to stop,

It sounds like he just wasn't ready for such a heavy relationship. I understand that he may have sent you mixed messages in the beginning, but after he started pulling away it seems like you kept pushing for more after he kept telling you how overwhelmed he was.

Hello I hope I can shed some light for you of my own problems and right this minute I am on the couch after being told to shut my mouth not look at her and she is leaving me after 6/7 years.
Since the start I have had “ ignoring days” she would trigger at anything and no matter what I would say or do she would not say a word to me for up to a week at times,as the relationship went on this did get less but In all honesty my situation is very volatile right now.
She takes 300mg seroquel and she has a deep history with her ex husband and family putting her away in institutions. This has affected her severely and she has much hate for “all of them” does not speak to them at all. They are interstate also.
Lately she has just @!@@@! a switch I do not know why but everything I say she brings up the past as it has been very rough. So she drained me for weeks constantly ranting about the past I tried to listen but the stories got repeated and this is all she would talk about from morning to dark. I work full time she does not and it was just too much I mistakenly said stop going on so much and this triggered again full ignoring and abuse and muttering around the house telling me to shut my c@#$ mouth and I would be outside smoking I could hear her talking aloud abusing me about everything. So I won’t prolong the story but after 2 days of this she switches off and being exhausted I say let’s get takeaway near the beach and watch a movie I thought finally rest time so we eat watch and after 25 mins into the movie she says I need a shower then I am going to bed I am tired so I says ok reluctantly and a bit upset but not showing it too much trying not to set her off. So after her shower she comes out beaming asking me to put the Facebook app on her pc and I got a bit cranky and said no. BIG MISTAKE from that I have had to leave the house she has hit me with a broom threatened me with a knife and stated do not ever speak to me look at me until I can afford to leave she has been packing boxes all day and is now exhausted asleep. I will go to work tomorrow not knowing what I am coming home too. If it was simple I would just leave but I love her and it seems I am always begging for forgiveness and I am broken I had cancer last year and I have lost weight severely this year and had dumb thoughts when I am upset.
I look at your story and I feel like screaming too you leave now! But that is definitely not my call and I see you in my position early on and it’s terrible. Every person and relationship is different. I have run out of options and I don’t know what you can do yourself. I am 45 she is 43 you are a lot younger so you really have to weigh up the options especially if you are feeling drained I totally get you!!
If you wish to ask me anything I would be happy to be open and honest. I just joined this forum when I google having a bipolar partner hence my username I wish you well.