Juggling so much

I am a Twenty-One year old college student, living with my fiance and 3 year old daughter and was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 1 close to a year ago. During seventh grade they diagnosed me with hypothyroidism, and at the time I was also facing-and still am facing an obsessive compulsive disorder (trichotillomania)----yeah as you can see I won the jackpot here.

I find myself in flux between two states---but both with pessimistic views. When i'm in a manic state my trich is really bad, when i'm in a depressed state my mood is horrible and I have bouts of paranoia that won't go away.

The kicker is, I am going to school to become a psychiatrist, but i wonder if they will even allow me finish my degree if I have all of these mental problems...Right now I'm in one of my down moods, no paranoia just yet, but i feel it creepy crawling all over me. I'm not sure what the normal time periods are between manic and depression...usually my mania last only a couple of days, maybe a week or two tops, and my depression can last weeks, if not months. I feel really stupid at times because i tell myself there are people far worse off than I am, so why am i blabbering about this? why should anyone care about this? I feel like i'm juggling so much at once and that i'm going to crash sometime soon, but then i think about those who are out there who probably have so much more to worry about that i feel stupid to even think my problems are worthy of calling them problems to begin with.

I don't want this type of life for my fiance, or my daughter, I hate disappointing everyone around me. I have been medicated, i have tried many medications, therapy, meditation, and nothing helps from this overwhelming emotional cloud that tends to consume me during my second or third week of depression. Its not only the thought to end everything, its the thought that I want to disappear before hand. I want some form of clarity in my mind....I'm not sure if this is making any sense at all....I guess it all boils down too I don't want to disappoint those around me so i keep juggling all these things, and i feel like the only way to get out of this cycle is to just fade away, I guess i'm more suicidal then i thought.

It sounds like you are feeling pretty awful. What I would say first of all is that if you feel you are at risk of suicide please let someone know ASAP. In terms of meds and therapy they can take some time. Meds to find the ones that work then have them kick in and therapy to start making a change. But please dont give up. I worked for a care giving speciality and I would say it is way esier for ppl to know what is going on than not - so you might want to consider that.

Keep talking

hugs

Cracked

I wish there was something I could say to magically make your pain go away. I applaud you for reaching out to others. Its ok to have problems. Dont be so harsh on yourself. I applaud you for going to school to help others with similar issues. To be honest I really DONT like going to psychiatrists that dont have mental ilnesses because how can they really talk about having a mental ilness if they have no idea what it even feels like? I mean its kind of like being a drug councelleor and never had a drug problem. I think you will be more qualified than ANY of them. I think you will work with passion, and empathy that other doctors will never have. Your certainly one of a kind. They wont stop you from finishing your degree because of your illness, because if they do, lawyers will be lining up to talk to you. I hope your feeling better, and your schooling might give you some insight on why you feel the way you do, and some ideas on feeling better.