How would you describe a Major Depressive Episode?

How would you describe a Major Depressive Episode that you have experienced?

I'll go first:

I've only really had one full MDE - and it was around christmas almost two years ago now... I went straight down from hypomania in the period of a few hours and I went up to my bedroom and I didn't leave my bedroom for a month (apart from going to the bathroom & one attempt to leave i will mention in a second). I lost my appetite completely and only ate little bits, somedays nothing, my mum kept coming up to my room with food but I couldn't eat it. I remember being in this constant blend of being neither asleep nor awake, and constantly crying, even when I had no energy to cry. I had my laptop on my bedside table and just watched series after series of tv shows all day and all night and feeling empty about everything. I did make an attempt to leave one night but I only made it to my curb before i started crying so hard I had to stop, then I had a panic attack so i went back to my room. It wasn't just a choice to not go out, but more: I felt physically disabled. I had no energy to move, I felt physically restricted. In the end it lifted enough for me to go to school for half an hour before i decided to come home, but baby steps and over the next 3 months I got back to my normal self. I lost 4 stone during the episode.

yuck

My depression usually skips right over the physical disabilities and lack of motivation; I go straight to feeling suicidal. If this goes on long enough, I'll eventually fall into a major depressive episode when I realize I can't build myself up enough to do it. Usually I just do the bare essentials in this state (showering, eating, doing something other than laying in bed all day etc.). I live as if I were agoraphobic, but I'm not, so I don't go out often regardless of my mood.

Everything seems black

Everything seems bad

Everything seems like too much effort - if I absolutely have to go out I go out in my pyjamas. I cant clean my teeth. I dont wash. I just want to stay in bed the whole time and sleep my life away. I cant talk to ppl on the phone and to reply to texts or emails is way beyond me.

The world seems a very bleak place and very cold.

I just cant be bothered with things.

Then the thoughts of harm come in. Then the thoughts of death. How I feel at the time might as well be dead anyhow.

And funny thoughts - about am I really real etc.

?Suicide attempt

It generally sucks and I dont know how to type about it to do it justice

Cracked

CrackedGirl, I have the same feelings.

I started thinking my depression was weird because I always read that people with unipolar depression have those thoughts about how they are stupid, useless, worthless, etc. I don't have them. Even depressed, I am aware that I am smart, creative and so on. It's just that it doesn't make any difference. All I want is to die, and quick, so I would never feel this terrible again. If I get really depressed, even blinking is too much effort. Breathing is work. I don't cry. It's too much work too. And I have once spent 45 minutes "resting" after putting my left sock on, before I gathered enough willpower to put the right on too.

I originally wrote this in past tense, but I had a depressive low yesterday for six hours (and then it went away, I made dinner, smiled and laughed and felt, well, not great but acceptable) and this morning it feels like another one is around the corner, so I guess I can as well write it in present tense...

I know depression very well. Its what I suffer from on different levels daily. Depression feels like no energy. Feels like im "stuck". Like quicksand that im drowning in. Like I cant move. My answer for everything is "whats the point?". Nothing has value, nothing has meaning. Everything is pointless. I am jealous of those that are well and happy and energetic. Im angry at the world because I feel this way. Im fruatrated at doctors, because it seems they dont want to help. I love my wife because she cares so much, but doesnt know HOW to help me. Ya, they should really figure out whats causing this, and bottle it up and inject it into some of the worst criminals known to man with this crap! Well.. maybe not.. those that have this disease might call that "inhumane" as most of those criminals DON'T wish for death like us.

I find it a hard place to distinguish between a depressive episode and a major depressive episode. I get depressed a lot, but I wouldn't describe all of these as MDEs, due to shorter length and sometimes I have more energy. I would define a four/five day slew of no energy, self hatred, suicidal ambition as being a depressive episode, but not a MDE, because I still have the ability to function. For me the dividing line is the ability to function (even if to a more limited extent, I still can during depression, but not a MDE)

I think it's often very subjective - as to what defines your depression episodes. That's why I thought it would be interesting to get this real insight, rather than lists of common symptoms on some website.

I tend to have different types of depressive episodes, and I honestly don't know what would qualify as a "major" depressive episode. All I know is that it's pure hell when it happens, so it always seems "major" in my opinion.

Some depressive episodes are more physical based. Such I can't seem to get off the bed or couch, I just watch tv like a zombie, not feeling anything. Sometimes I eat a lot, or sometimes I don't eat at all. I see no meaning to anything, I see no point in taking care of myself, leaving my hair unwashed and dirty. When I leave the house I wear a baggy grey sweatshirt that has holes ripped in it, slippers and no make-up. I looked absolutely horrid but I didn't give two sh-ts.

Then there are other types of depression, where I can still get up every day and function. But I don't see the point to anything. That's when I start failing school and not showing up for class. That's when instead, I go sit near a cliff at the edge of campus, put the same song on repeat on my iPod, and just stare and contemplate jumping off. I ponder the point of existence and basically am mentally tormented, which of course will evolve into suicidality.

So, physical depression or mental depression? What is worse? What is considered "major"? I really don't know.

- EGD.

I think most of those categories only exist because DSM needs to stick us SOMEWHERE and write SOMETHING on the prescriptions and forms...

It seems that all of us here experience different forms of depression, and this could allow us to look at bipolar, rather than being a two ended spectrum, as more of a three dimensional disorder. It does indeed seem like DSM is out of touch with this real experience that we here are living and sharing.

I think I hit rock bottom once. The depression was bad enough but the anxiety was absolutly physically/emotionally/mentally disabling. I actually have no memory of about a 2 day span even though I was 100 percent sober. I do remember seriously contemplaiting death and then coming to in a hospital with minor injuries... I guess I tried to call someone and obviosly called a wrong number cause it was someones mom. Anyways scary stuff, it was just so out of charactor cause I'm usually so calm, optemistic, and walk it off kinda guy. Anyways id say it really built up over 6+ weeks untill I kinda lost it.

This was 3 years ago and haven't had a sign of depression since. Id say I lost a lot of my ability to rationalize and think logically. And my body hurt all over, I also had body tremors as physical symptoms. Id say it was kinda similar to a bad alcohol blackout as well or a concushion cause I had amniesa.probaly