My Bipolar II Story - So subtle

For years my husband has marvelled at the way I go after things when I want them saying things like "you'll stop at nothing" "you'll stay up all night" "you'll do research until you drop dead" The other side of this coin is he said I neglect everything else in my life for these "passions" like him, my kids, my day job, etc. For a lot of years though, he so loved the vim and vigor which which I attacked my "pursuit of the day" that he said it outweighed the one-sided focus toward that pursuit.

A couple years ago after the birth of my third child, everything seemed to change. I couldn't seem to take enough anti-depressant medication. I tried many different meds and would continue to increase doses to get the same effect which barely took the edge of my increasing anxiety. About three years ago I went into my first funk which I guess was a modified low. I let everything go in my life and lost interest in everything that mattered to me. I gained weight, stopped paying my bills on a regular basis and couldn't seem to focus on anything except numbing myself in my "cave". I'd read, write, do puzzles, and do other things to block out everything else in my life which seemed to overwhelm me. No surprise that I was put on probabion at work and later let go. I had been quickly rising the corporate ladder for 10 years and was making six figures with a performance review nearly 6 weeks before that was stellar. It was sort of like a Jekyll and Hyde except for my Hyde was more of just an apathetic shell of my former self.

This kick in the butt gave me the energy to pull myself back out and I started a business that nearly completely devastated my family financially. I finally went back to a day job and did extremely well -- so well that I was able to negotiate a 4-day work week for the same salary and other perks to boot. That went well for about 2 months and another funk set in. I gained weight, stopped paying my bills, stopped doing the regular things in my life like changing my oil, remembering the kids doctor appt's etc. Eventually this led to the meeting about "performance issues". I cried and begged at this meeting and asked for a second chance. I used that adrenalin to pick it back up and I think I've saved my job.

The really funny thing is all the while the changes were so slow and gradual that I never put these together as being anything at all other than perhaps I just had lost my desire to work.

My husband finally convinced me to see a psychiatrist. He had me fill out a 17 page pre-form where I documented the family history of alcaholism, bipolar, suicide, narcissism, divorce, etc. Most of these were held exclusively by my mother. It took about 5 minutes for him to diagnose me with bipolar II. While I didn't seem to have the sustained manic period I had a constant brain force where I wouldn't be able to drive to work without writing down big huge ideas in my notebook, call several people and make plans to start big projects, etc. I called this morning mania but had never associate BP mania with this sort of short duration of manic thoughts which seemed to be focused in the morning when I had energy.

The doc put me on Lamical, Alprazolam, and Adderall to kill the foggy thoughts that persisted to haunt me at work. They work great. The steadiness in my personality is such a relief to all. The periodic dullness seemed to disapper. I could ride to work without a notebook at my side or wearing out the minutes on my cell phone. I still apply my makeup while driving to work but that's the one vice I allow myself to keep:) It's a slow drive due to traffic and I do most of it while stopped. I still have some periodic manic thought periods but they're very mild. I also have some fogs which are mild. The Adderall has helped a lot. The biggest side effect I didn't expect is the organization in my life. I'm not kidding when I say there were things left on the floor at my house that I would not pick up for 3 years. Now my house is nearly spotless all the time. I do the normal cleaning on a weekly basis and I do it out of my own desire to do this.

I hate the stipulation on my record but I'm so glad I went for treatment. It's the best thing I ever did for myself.

Irisia

Irisia,

Interesting story. Quite similar to mine in some ways.

I hope it keeps working for you.

Take care,
Walt