meds are not always the answer (not anti-psych)

im pretty bipolar... this year ive been doing well compared to last; ive also been living at home. however, depression still creeps in through the cracks, especially tonite for me.. i feel rocky lately, i recently had 3-4 different girl 'prospects' while holding down 2 jobs but now suddenly none of them are really going through (too hard to say for sure), tho there was at least one i was really starting to fall for, and i'm losing one of my jobs due to the store closing.

the need to feel someone next to me... thats my hole right now. there are a few details really bearing down on me... the weed ive just rolled out doesnt help... s'why i came here fore i start to smoke anything... i dont really want to, i guess... theres just no way else to end the night. theres other things i want to get done which make me not want to sleep right away, however im too overcome with thoughts to do anything productive... well, guess its been a long time since i really tried...

maybe i am more depressed than i let myself believe, but the last thing i want to hear now is 'get meds, theyll make u feel better.' from my perspectiv now, i just need a good listening ear to reflect myself upon, and maybe a few suggestions here or there to get back on track the things i want... even writing this shows me a little bit of how rediculous im being.

-matt

PS. im not complaining or looking for response, im just ... expressing

Matt,

i sometimes sign my posts "clear thinking and compassion". this is what I try to respond with when I am getting depressed.

I can have physical triggers which tend to need some clarity of thought to deal with. I can also have periods when I spiral down because I open the door to my self doubts and my past. For that I need compassion.

there is this potent thought (for me) and it goes. Think of the person you love the most and/or see with the kindest eyes. then think about sending them lovingkindess. It could be with or without images in your mind. Think of them growing happier to hear this, and you getting happier to give it to them. Then try extending this feeling, to others your know, yourself, even people you find a trial. Perhaps you have your own version of this.

Good luck on your journey,
w

thankyou... i like that... making other people feel better always makes me feel better... just thoughts, or do u attempt to make other peoples lives better in reality? especially w/girls i try to make them happy to make them like me; if it doesnt work i feel horrible.. that they dont like me equally and that i dont make them happy. a day or two has passed now and i'm 'normal' again... at least, i hav a grasp on my situation and know what is needed to be done; strange, yes.. something must be wrong in my brain, eh?

indeed... i find myself constantly looking to be servant for those close to me, but yearning to grow and lead others. a paradox well displayed by jesus (and here's where the grandiosity kicks in)... when i am not doing one or the other i feel useless...

-matt