What's Wrong With Me?

Over the last four years or so during high school, I've experienced periods of depression. These have lasted anywhere from a couple hours to weeks. For a while, I ignored them, thinking that they were just something every teen goes through. I thought that I could just ignore them and start over in college. I had been bullied throughout elementary and middle school, so I figured that I was depressed since I was around some of the same people who bullied me earlier on, or something like that. I had grandiose plans to start over in college and entirely hide my bad past, both the bullying and depression, and it worked for a while. But I couldn't hide it forever, and after the problems it has caused me during the first semester (so bad that I‘ll probably be forced to transfer to alleviate these problems) I would like help.

The main issue is that I cannot pinpoint exactly what is wrong with me. I seem to alternate between three different moods. In one mood, I have to be the center of attention. I'll do anything to get attention, even stupid stuff for negative attention. I get a boost of energy and become more outspoken than usual. In this mood, I get very talkative and loathe being alone. I also hate listening. I pretty much need to be an active part of the conversation. Sometimes laugh uncontrollably at nothing at all. I'll exaggerate things frequently, and sometimes even flat-out lie, to make myself out to be a much better person than I really am. I also am prone to arguing nearly anything, but usually my extreme left-wing politics or atheism. I also brag a lot, and sometimes disguise insults in the form of jokes. All of this is pretty much impossible for me to control. This can kick in for no reason at all, or it can occur after something I find out something that makes me proud. Usually the cause is something pointless, such as beating a level of a hard video game, or just drifting off into my dream world and imagining me fulfilling my dreams. When I'm in this mood, I have no idea that I'm behaving abnormally unless someone tells me, and even then, I'll usually just ignore that person.

My second mood is depression, which is sometimes accompanied by anger. This mood usually sets in after the first one, usually after someone says something that I don't like or insults me, or when I learn of failure. It doesn't have to be anything major; something as trivial as throwing a snowball at me when I didn't want to be hit can put me in a very depressed mood. Also, anything related to relationships, whether discussing them or seeing a couple together, can do it, because I never was popular romantically. During this mood, I'll often lock myself in my room and cry or take my anger out on whatever I can find in my room. Despite being a man, I will cry in public and I cried at college; it's just that uncontrollable. When I'm alone and depressed, I'll blare depressing or angry music, read a depressing book, or watch a sad movie. Sometimes I'll just think of all the past abuses on my life and that will be enough to bring me close to tears. I don't always cry, but I often come close. I've thought of suicide, and also of committing other crimes for my pleasure (and most likely killing myself if I was caught) because I feel my life is that empty. I think about what the obituaries in the newspaper will say when I’m gone, and I often imagine that everyone won’t care or will be even happier now that I’m gone. I also imagine that because I have no friends, nobody will notice for a couple of days that I’m gone. I've never actually attempted suicide though. Sometimes I drink alcohol when I'm depressed. Drinking the right amount brings back my first mood for a while, but eventually this mood comes back, often exacerbated by the drinking. I also do stupid things in this mood, such as threatening to rape others and writing various notes expressing my hate for my father. I have difficulty sleeping during both elation and depression.

I also have a third mood, a normal balance between the two. During this mood, I feel normal, and although I tend to enjoy myself more when I'm in the first mood (and sometimes I enjoy my depression) I know that I'll be most normal during this mood, and I most likely will be able to control my behavior. However, the other moods don't take much to set in, and I rarely realize when a different mood is starting.

From my own research and other peoples’ comments, I’m almost certain that something is wrong with me. This isn’t normal, and it has gotten to the point where it’s harming my life in a variety of ways. I just have no idea what’s wrong with me or where to get help. I’m afraid of my parents finding out (although when I‘m in the first mood, I feel proud that I have a disorder, because it will get me attention), but I desperately want to be normal. I’ve told one friend that I thought that I might be bipolar, and she agreed, but I mentioned it casually and she really offer any advice. A variety of online tests concluded that I was histrionic, and a variety of personality tests concluded that I was a personality type prone to both this type of behavior and bipolar disorder. I eventually ended up at the college psychologist, for a different reason, but I didn’t mention anything about the possibility of bipolar disorder. I enjoyed being able to talk about my feelings, so I might go back next semester and mention it. However, I’m afraid that people will dislike me if I speak with a psychologist and will think I’m insane. I don’t get along with my father and don’t trust my mom, so I won’t talk to them. I feel bad about discussing this stuff with my friends because I feel like I’m placing the burden of my problem on them. So, with no other options, I decided to come here. I figured maybe someone could help me determine if there is anything wrong with me (and if so, what it is) and where and how to get help. If you help any questions or need further details about anything, ask me! I’ll be glad to respond! Thanks in advance to everyone who helps!

Well the best way to reallly find out is to find a good psychiatrist and go get eveluated. If you are in fact bipolar (my husband is) you will have to have some form of medicaion to control the mood swings. Sometimes it takes time and experimentation to find the right stuff you need, so get yourself a doc who listens to your feedback and is willing to find something you can live with. Self-diagnosis is always risky, and even the docs have a hard time figuring it out sometimes. If does sound like bipolar from what you have described.

Devanna - Thanks for the reply. I'll try to see a professional to get evaluated sometime soon, probably when I go back to college. Until then, I'll just hope for the best!

Good luck! Don't wait too long to see about it.