Bipolar-esque symptoms manifesting.

This is all pure speculation on my part, but please hear me through. I've observed some strange mood patterns over the past several years, and they're getting more pronounced.

Here is an outline of everything that seems relevant:

Age:

11: I nearly killed myself (in a manner I will not discuss here), because I was upset over math homework. I was shaking I had come so close to doing it, but I stopped myself. Never told anyone.

12-15: Fell into a a rapid suicidal spiral of depression within the first few months of middle school. I never really recovered, but came out of the depression. This trauma effectively deadened all emotions beyond a superficial level, leading to an intensely introverted and schizoid lifestyle. Mood was always roughly neutral with very shallow emotions. I wasn't really alive so to speak.

16: I realized just how empty I was; upon realizing this, I immediately became suicidal in the blink of an eye. Lacked the will to do it, and the depression set in after I couldn't do it. I stopped going to school for about 18 months, during which time I was the most depressed I'd ever been.

17: Became "neutral" again, after the depression subsided. This is where some of the symptoms start becoming more pronounced. The major episode was gone, but I started having days where I get an intense urge to kill myself, and or intense depression. It never lasted more than a week, but it was often just a day or a few hours that my mood would shift so suddenly. I could remain neutral for weeks in between these occurrences.

18: This is where I'm at now. I'm still getting occasional hiccups, mainly just rapid rotation from depressed to neutral, and sometimes minor happiness or contentment.

Yesterday (and the reason for creating this topic), I experienced something completely different. I believe it was a minor episode of hypomania. It started right when I went to bed last night. I felt an intense pleasure described only by a state of pure euphoria. I began conversing with myself incessantly for the next 6 hours in bed. During this time, I felt disinhibited, creative, productive, and like I could run a marathon. I slept for two hours, woke up, and started cleaning the house, vacuuming, and started sprinting on my long neglected treadmill for the first time in almost a year. I accomplished more in a few hours than I normally do in a week (due to lethargy and apathy most of the time).

Whatever this was, it was great feeling I've never experienced before. A literal high of sorts. It was, however, short lived as it gradually tapered off after the treadmill.


None of this to me suggests anything clinically significant, but it does leave me scratching my head. As stated before, I've developed along a path that limits emotionality, but it seems to be coming back to me slowly for the first time ever. I'm beginning to feel alive again as I get older and more mature.

My question for the people that have insight into mood disorders, especially as it pertains to bipolar/manic depression are:

Is there anything to be concerned about? Are the things I've noticed just anomalies, ie is there no reason to believe this is going to be a recurring pattern or could intensify?

The relative intensity is hard to judge because I've learned at a young age to tolerate and function to some extent with the very worst my mind has subjected itself to. I can hide my mood exceptionally well, even when I've planned to off myself, or for example last night when I was high. I tried to see if I could remain calm and collected, and I could, but simply didn't want to. It just felt so right to keep blabbing. I bring this up because it seems to be in complete contradiction to anyone remotely bipolar. Is this in itself enough to exclude the possibility, or could it be from a combination of personality and life experiences that enable me to hide my mood so well?

Sorry for the long post. 2 hours of sleep in past 50 hours makes it hard to be more concise.

I can't say for certain that you are Bipolar, none of us can. But I definitely wouldn't rule it out. The fact that the hypomania is showing itself at age 18 is actually rather significant. I've read numerous times that it's common for the onset of Bipolar Disorder (meaning the presence of both depressive & hypomanic episodes) to show up in the ages 18 - mid-twenties. It seems to be the most common age of onset.

Can't say whether it will be recurring. I'd say, keep an eye open to see if it recurs, if it recurs than for sure see a doctor. I'm guessing that the hypomania is still present? If so, I'd watch out for your mood after the episode, especially if it turns depressive.

Whether or not you should be concerned is based simply on how "you" feel about it. Is it causing you distress? If so, then see a doctor & get evaluated.

The fact that you can hide your emotions/moods isn't necessarily contradictory to Bipolar. Some people are very skilled at masking their moods. Personally, I find it easier to mask depression than hypomania.

- EGD.

Hi

I think that it would be a good idea for you to print off your post here as an aide memoire and then see your Dr to discuss this as it sounds like you could do with being assessed for mood disorder. No one here is here in a professional capacity so cant tell you for sure if you are bipolar tho we can go from our own experiences and from my experiences I think it would be important your were assessed for mood disorder.

Another thing that might be a good idea is to hang out on the forum and see if other peoples' posts resonate with you as this can be helpful too in giving an indication of whether you have BP.

Cracked

EarlGreyDregs wrote:Can't say whether it will be recurring. I'd say, keep an eye open to see if it recurs, if it recurs than for sure see a doctor. I'm guessing that the hypomania is still present? If so, I'd watch out for your mood after the episode, especially if it turns depressive.

- EGD.

Thanks. I thought it was over because lost most of my energy when I created this topic. By late evening yesterday, I started feeling really drained and thought I was crashing, but now I think it may have been just the effects of exhaustion and mental fatigue. Soon as entered a dark room with no stimuli and laid my head on my pillow, I exploded with energy again. Just woke up not too long ago and feel just as I did 2 days ago, maybe even more so!

I did notice feeling kinda sad when I thought it went away, especially since it happened so quick.

EarlGreyDregs wrote:The fact that you can hide your emotions/moods isn't necessarily contradictory to Bipolar. Some people are very skilled at masking their moods. Personally, I find it easier to mask depression than hypomania.

Well I was raised with the understanding that bipolar disorder was extreme sensitivity and emotional outbursts. If it's just extreme mood changes that don't necessarily involve emotion, or can even be hidden entirely from others, it's starting to sound more and more probable.

CrackedGirl wrote:Hi

Another thing that might be a good idea is to hang out on the forum and see if other peoples' posts resonate with you as this can be helpful too in giving an indication of whether you have BP.

Cracked

Great idea! I've been lurking here for a little while now.