Hypomanic and got drunk last night.

So I got really drunk last night at the company year-end function.

My psychiatrist said I should stay away from alcohol since she says have issues with impulse control and always get drunk. So I stopped drinking alcohol. This was mid-July. Then last week I decide I really missed the taste of beer. If I have been able to stay off alcohol for so long I can drink a light beer. I was awful coz it was warm! I had two and some random guy bought me one shot. Was drunk from just that coz my body isn't used to alcohol anymore. Felt uneasy and uncomfortable with that feeling.

Anywho, Monday night at BP support group they had a psychiatrist as a speaker and he said alcohol is fine, as long as it's no more than two units a day. Somehow I saw that as a ticket to start weening myself on alcohol again, completely forgetting that it wasn't the alcohol+meds that was the problem.

So yesterday at the year end function I ordered a glass of red wine, again coz I missed the taste of red wine. Was cheap sh!t wine. So later I got myself a beer. It was awesome! But the people who know of the BP also know that I stopped drinking. The one guy actually looked kinda dissapointed with me. I felt a bit ashamed there. But other people kept buying me drinks and I kept saying yes to more drinks.

Was really drunk. Was really fun. But today I feel ashamed. No control. I just let go and I just didn't care. It came right on top of the hypomania that I have been experiencing lately. My jokes have become dirtier and things I say more inappropriate lately.

I feel really ashamed about getting drunk last night. And I didn't even do something stupid like I usually do when I'm drunk. I guess it's back to no alcohol at all. Though I'm feeling like I don't really want to.

hey never42,

I don't know exactly where you're coming from obviously, but I can say I've been in similar situations; not alcohol, just other drugs. I think it's great you recognized this and decided to post something.

My first thought is that you should pat yourself on the back for not doing anything 'stupid' as you said. That's a great first step and it sounds like you don't want the alcohol controlling you. Take a deep breath and recognize that you made it out of the woods so far.

Now I know I'd be thinking about that next taste and how I could manage it and be fine, but let's just take another deep breath together and ask ourselves if that's really what we want. It's okay if you say yes. Don't be ashamed. Just hold that thought for a second and really ask yourself if it'll make things better. If the answer is yes, by all means go for it. Me personally, I struggle with a similar question daily. Sometimes I can fight it, others not.

But I've learned one thing, and that is to love yourself no matter what you do. It's not your fault. You shouldn't be ashamed, but you can do a little thing for yourself here I think.

love,
m

Never,

You're not a horrible person. The only thing you did was prove that you are human. The fact that you didn't do anything regrettable is good. Let it lie and move forward however you see fit. I personally couldn't do the 2 a day trick. Two woulld turn into six would turn into eight etc etc. I don't have the self control. I guess what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up, and proceed with caution. I know that "next day" feeling, it sucks. Wishing you the best.

Hi never

Please dont beat yourself up. Everyone has issues and some of us have issues with substances for whatever reason. You did not do anything bad when you drank and all you did was have a lapse. I think you need to think about whether you are ready to re give up alcohol or not and whatever decision you make not beat yourself up about it. With time you will figure out what is best for you.

Hugs

Cracked

Hi Never,
Hon, you are MY TWIN. Seriously. I read your posting and every SINGLE word of it sounded like a page out of the story of my life. I, too, have gone up to a year without drinking and then "missed" the taste of something and one sip started a head-long dive off the wagon. I, too, have done horridly stupid things when drunk. Put simply, drinking makes me hypo. No and's if's or but's. I either sleep or go hypo. Everytime I take that one drink I find little things here and there that I can say to myself that a drink is ok (very much like that speaker you heard). The bottom line for me is that I simply cannot. I've been down that road of feeling horrible just for having taken the drink without done anything stupid; the feeling like I let ppl down... everything you poured out in your posting. Hon, you are not alone. I am a PROFESSIONAL self-hater... trust me.

I'm finally ok with not drinking, but there were things I had to finally admit to myself: 1) I must forgive myself for every past drink or fall off the wagon... I am human... no human is perfect...we ALL fall and we each fall in our own ways 2) There are ppl out there who can have that 1-drink limit... I am not one and I just have to get that through my brain 3) I'm a hugely strong, resilient person EXCEPT when it comes to alcohol... I had the pdoc put me on meds to curb the impulse to drink; some may not need meds, as they aren't magic pills, but I must at least try because I know I'm too weak on my own and finally 4) I need to stop feeling guilty about "letting ppl down" because, again, I am human; none of those who truly love or care for me will brow beat me about a fall... they will support me to help me get back on my feet... so I need to quit beating myself up from the inside out.

I know right now you're feeling a lot of yukky emotions. The day after drinking, for me, seems to be the worst as the depressant-effect of alcohol kicks in when I'm laying on the couch recovering and that's when I begin to emotionally and mentally rip myself apart. Hopefully if that's the same case with you, today you're starting to have that lift a bit. We all trip, hon. You are NO WORSE a person for having stumbled. Try, if you can, to forgive yourself. Each day is a new day... and one that didn't start out with a drink.... it's a whole new day; a whole new start. I can SOOOOOO relate to what you're feeling. I want you to know that I'm here for you and also think no less of you.

Sending you many positive vibes and tons of hugs,
Kosh

So my year-end function was Thursday. Saturday I was at a wedding and had 4 glasses of champagne. And yesterday (Sunday) I had 2 glasses of wine with a family dinner. In both cases somehow I told myself it's fine or gave some excuse why I'm allowed to have it.

But what hit me now was that I was scared somebody would ask why did I start drinking again or just tell me I'm not supposed to be drinking. I felt this almost defensive feeling even before somebody asked. That isn't right. If I feel like I have to defend my drinking of alcohol, then I probably shouldn't be drinking alcohol.

I know now that I do not need alcohol. It is kinda like being a recovering alcoholic. I do feel ashamed about drinking. It's back to not drinking. I never feel ashamed of drinking decaf capucchinos, which I love.

Never,
Boy can I relate to THAT feeling... defending why I'm drinking. (((((((Huge Hugs))))))) No matter what, we luv ya lots!!!!

Hugs,
Kosh

Hi honey,

Whatever happens with this - we will support you

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you guys. Thank you.

Only you know if you can control it. If your only issue is that you think drinking is bad, well its not bad, peoples inability to control their drinking is bad. You need to be honest with yourself and figure out if you can control it if you do drink.

I, nor anyone else, can not tell you if you should quit or not. I can only say based on my own expectations of my own life. Not yours. But as a general rule of thumb, drinking to cope with something is never good.

It doesnt sound lke your defending your drinking(Not sure what you told em, so correct me if im wrong), but it sounds more like your trying to defend yourself against THEIR expectations. Depending on your situation it doesn't matter what they think about it.

I have one substance that people make me feel ashamed of using, but why? its due to their ignorance and brain washing. Nothing to do with the substance, it has everything to do with THEM.

Im not sure of your entire situation so take this wit ha grain of salt.