Broken and Ashamed

Been in a horribly deep depression for 7 months now with psychosis, nothing has helped. Doctors are saying I could be med resistant. I feel for everyone that is going through this. The feeling is like nothing I ever went through in my life and i'm scared. I used to be such a high achiever, now I can't remember a thing, and I have a hard time grasping concepts. Example, hard time following story lines in movies, delayed reactions to things, trouble reading. Is this permanent? Or is it more mood congruent? My intellect is something I always held so dear to my heart. Now with it gone as well I don't really see a reason to keep going. I'm planning on applying for disability which really bothers me, but at this point I don't have any other choice. This is hell. Plain and simple.. My parents are the only reason i'm hanging on and its on a very thin thread. I just feel at 28 years old my life is over. Sorry for being a downer but I really don't have a positive outlook on anything now. I lost everything during my manic episode. So now I remain...broken..

Unleashtherain,
I am so sorry you're struggling so much right now. First, you've got nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, you might not be able to do the same things as you used to, but struggling with MH is very difficult and you're just going through a very rough patch. Being that I'm not a doc, I am not sure that cognitive difficulties are congruent with moods, but I'm sure that your MH issues have to be impacting your ability to think clearly. I can TOTALLY relate to feeling shame about disability. I am not on SSI, but I did have to apply for veteran's disability.... and was awarded a substantial amount mostly based on my MH issues. The fact that there are vets out there who have "real" disabilities from war and I'm sitting here with a messed up head that qualifies me as disabled is totally embarrassing to me. Sometimes I feel a bit like a "faker." Know I'm not, but I do feel a bit unentitled to claim disability at times. But, you know what, my (and your) issues are real, so if disability assistance helps us afford to pay expenses, then it's what we need to do.

I know it's hard right now to see anything positive because when you look back you see what you used to have and how much you've lost. But, you know what.... your future is STILL bright. Now, how the heck can I say that? Because you know what disorder you are dealing with and are hanging in there fighting like heck for wellness. The fact that you're trying to manage your condition is HEAPS ahead of where you were when you were out there just living in the mania untreated.

Know you feel like life is bleak right now. Pls vent away on here... we're listening and we will support you wholeheartedly!!!

Many hugs,
Kosh

Thanks for the advice Koshka. It's just extremely tough to deal going through several different meds and finding no relief at all. I'm thinking about starting back on meds again i'm really starting to believe that this empower plus stuff is worthless. And yeah, I took so much for granted when I was well. If anything this is a humbling experience to say the least. I apologize for being such a downer on these boards its just hard to think of anything positive at the moment.

Hi, UTR,
Man, can I relate to the frustration! Listen, there's nothing to lose in trying out different things to see if they work. You never know what will help you, personally, until you give it a go... so don't look at the trial of empower as a failure... in trying it you seem to have found that it's just not working for you- knowledge!!

I copied and bumped a thread I'd created back in sep in the Cyclo forum into the BP forum for you to take a look at. Give it a look. It's called "Koshka's journey of medications." I can TOTALLY relate to your frustrations and want you to know that you're DEF not alone.

Do what you feel is best for you... meds, other homeopathics, etc. Remember, there's no shame in trying various things to see if they work for you.

Many hugs,
Kosh