Hi all,
Umm I hope I'm not offending anyone to post this. Okay. It may be long post depending on how it needed to be addressed. It will be about my reaction to those who called me real nasty names associated with BP. I will give little backgrounds just to shed more insights of my behavior on relationships, psychologist, and psychiatrist.
I never understood BP and mostly technical terms. In other words, I never heard of it. I understand it replaced "Manic Depressive" still I find it soo technical term. Anyways it all started with relationships recently.
Background of myself: I already knew my medical condition. It's an endocrine disorder that I recently discovered fairly new (2001) and it has greatly affected me in every way I can think of mostly infertility. OKay? I do realize it would affect relationships no matter what. That's another story.
Relationships: This guy and I had been talking only for a month. Not long. We went out only once. Yet he sent me nasty email about ifedility that got me upset and of course I didn't want to stick with him longer. He tried to get me back. I knew it wouldn't work at the end. Then I gave him another chance just to hope if he could acknowledge his faults. He sort of acknowledged not to the full extent. He grew out tiredlessly of me pushing him away just basically trying getting him out of my life. At some points, he became aggressive and called me bipolar at night. I realized he went too far but then I decided just to hang on. He then went too far and called me retarded. Finally I fed up and made a decision to drive him away real good although still left things open to mutual. He finally gave up but still called once more. I refused to call back, of course. All of that got me real thinking seriously and question a lot myself. It wasn't first time I heard of being called BP. It was 2nd time.
The first time was when the other guy and I have exhanged a lot of words online. I really liked him a lot. We grew closer but then I had sort of breakdown. Somehow it made him say balatantly words to me and it really got me over the edge. Basically it was misunderstood but still affected. So I moved on. Suprisedly, I realized what he said wasn't really intentional. It was probably reflection or something. When it was near the end of our "relationship", he self-diagnosed me BP. I took it calmly only because I thought it was absurdity under this circumstance so he quickly come to make up mind sort of apologetic when I told him how so wrong he would be since it could be misdiagnosis. The reason I said that because I already knew I was truly infertile due to endocrine disorder and couldn't tell him. So years later, we talked again because he's still sweetheart to me. He's doing it again. Only this time I reacted differently. I reacted to demand answers from him but so far nothing.
That could be due to a lot of his reasons. Maybe he's still in relationship with someone else. Or he probably didn't want to talk more about it with me. How he's doing it again? He called me Devil Reject. Great. Now what. Only because he asked how I was doing? I told him truth that I was in solace. That's how he said, "How sad it is, blah blah." He talked rapidly where I couldn't catch up with him.
Right, both guys still doesn't know that I'm infertile. So is it really fair for them to diagnose me when they are in no better position to try figure out. Heck I had been to psychologist in teen years and psychiatrist, too . Both of them treated me way differently. Wow. I also faked sucide just to stir up troubles at home and that's how I winded up in ward for two weeks. I loved that Psychiatrist. She rocked my world when she sent me to group homes. I could say spending times at Ward was the best moments of my life only because I met a guy there and we ended up meeting again by fate. We also had been together eternally.
So, my question is what is it about those guys? What is it about them? Is it me or them?
I have read the sticky post especially the DSM-IV. I'm so glad that it's been discussed over and over again. I can see many sx of BP 2 in my behavior fittedly. I don't like to self-diagnose myself based on the net although I did with my medical condition since it's so rare disorder. So it may be indirect sx or coincidence. Remember, I do not understand some of technical terms. It's hard to state what's right or not. I just feel the right treatment for me is probably Psychoendocrinologist which is not mostly available or just extremely rare farce. I do not want to mess with my brain anymore than it already was with endocrine disorder where it affected hormones, stress, energy, sleep, and emotions. Been there, done that with alcohol and drugs. They didn't work for me either. Based on drugs, it did mess with my mind such as hallucination so I wouldn't mess with it. I went into them out of curiousity and tribulation. It proved that my brain is fragile to any resistance of changes especially marijuana yuck. Funny thing, taking pcp was in some way did good to me only once. It did probably make something right in my brain where in part affecting endocrine system afterward once. It wasn't proved or explained anyhow. It remained mysterious.
Nothing good came out of them eventually. Alcoholic ran dangerously in my families so not suprisedly I was victimized by it and became one of them. Gladly, I quit cold turkey after I got into big mess.
I am fully aware that infertility takes over my life over anything. I am working on getting right treatments with it like seeking counselors who specialize in infertility. It's such hard on getting right treatment when I, myself, have so many medical conditions by alone. Too many factors contributed by eternal audience. Socialism is one of instances. Sorry if it sounds me,me,me.
Sorry it's such long post. If you are reading this far. Thank You. I hope you can contribute out of this.
Regards,
MeInfertile
ETA: I also was described martyr and masochism by a love host when I told how I lost my love many times given by infertility.
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