If I have Bipolar D, I am not sad of it -- (too) Long post!

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I hesitated to post this, because it's so long and.. probably boring to most, but it's better then nothing though, no?

I feel this post contains alot of info for those who are simply interested in Bipolar Disorder. For example, I am very interested in schizophrenia and would love a post of length concerning schizophrenia.

I have in the times of depression wondered and researched to know if I had any disorders of the kind, and the one that best fit, and I now know that I have for sure (Without seeing a doctor though, and I do not plan on doing so for I don't want to let people know, nor do I wish to be treated, and I put little trust in doctors, anyone who asks me to buy something merits suspicion, and although now I know I have the problem, in many cases they sell the poison to sell the antidote.


If you do not wish to waste your time reading a resume of my life moods then, you should go straight back to the black text, the red text is only for those who enjoy reading that kind of stuff; I enjoy writing so this is great for us and bad for the rest :p

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So anyhow, I was thinking of the words Manic Depression, and saw that it didn't fit very well (Mania and depression are very different) and, I did know that I had different facets to my mood/personality, three main ones (Which I named), and one was the times before manic depression, one of mania, one of depression. Although what seems to have happened is, I had the normal me which was hyperactive/attention problems/rejected authority, but not in a rational way. Then came 5 years of serious problems in my life, which left after - durign that time I feel like I had the public and private me, whom, based on my memories, were completely different (at home I was miserable, had many suicidal thoughts and so) whilst, when I was in public, I was a very happy kid, and did not think of my problems at home (except, at least once, when I didn't want to go home at all and cried not to). I was mean to teachers, I remember hitting one, ripping her pants. But this kind of attitude brought me many friends, and I could be lovely to adults as well, throughout my life, I have either been hated or loved, or the weird two (great dislike, but given I had a certain intrigue, I think they did really like me as well), by adults.

The last year before my problems left I was in a different town, where I was depressed even in public, and lost
Anyhow, when the problems left (~10 years old?), I lost all depression, I was easily angry at teachers for example, but I was still very happy and much of an attention whore. I hit high school after but effects I had in the two years before that where I was happy became stronger, I became a HUGE attention whore I must say, , where I became a bit aggressive but in a 'fun' way.. sort of.. as in, I did not hurt people out of anger but I thought it was good for them, and it might of been but that's not the point. Also I simply enjoyed mild violence, and me and some friends start play fighting, but we did hurt each other, atlhough nothing serious. Anyhow, so I was very thoughtless with the teachers, loved attention, it gave me alot of friends, but got kicked out one and half years after being in high school. Although I do remember getting very angry at a teacher, so much that I hit a wall many times on the wall, untill I was bleeding a bit and wrote with the blood.

Anyhow, so I was at my new school which I shortly realised was very unpleasant for me. It brought me in a severe depression for a year, where I did not want to kill myself but in no way cared for my life, and only talked to one of my old friends, which was what we could say a 'best friend' - always together - although, at the end I became very irritable, and just couldn't stand him and his family (Which I was close to).

Anyhow, after losing that friendship, my 'deep' depression was gone, where I almost quit school (I didn't think of doing that but I rarely went to school, I'd walk one hour in the freezing cold to go home from school after getting off the bus, but I did go in some parts of the year - I have no idea how I passed but I did, I didn't do most of the exams, no teacher seemed to like me except one which wasn't mean, but could of liked me - he left that same year so I wonder if he made me pass my year (He was the teacher who I was 'given to' (Well each student was given to a teacher, each teacher having around 40 students or something). So we were at 'my deep depression was gone' I started liking the people I was with at school and starting considering them friends, this was my third year of high school, but I was then totally seperated from all my friends, because I stopped all contact with my friends of my old school, I guess because they weren't close friends we could say. And those friends left I didn't want to talk to that much, but I did a bit, I once again stopped going to school normally, although I felt I at least tried a bit to pass, I didn't. But that year ended with me making new good friends and becoming friends again with the old ones, my mood was now normal I think, I had periods of mania and very weak depression but all in all I was normal in that sense.

hen on my fourth year, I had extreme mania for the first three months, where I was a model student, except for my personality but I was not mean in any way, I just stood out alot, and had no respect for the authority which I feel is irrational, but I faced it in a rational way.

My grades untill then were never really high, except when school was ever more simple, where I was offered to jump a year after some tests (Where I played chess and other board games, I guess it was a way for the person to know the child?) because I didn't work at school, and did other things because I was bored (Yet my grades were better then average, so I guess this took their attention. Anyhow the year where I was offered to jump one, my problems were worst I guess and from then to where I say the contrary, my grades were below average. Erhm, and after that one year, they went below average.


Four months into my fourth year, I became different, mild depression and extreme mania went on/off I think untill today, my grades dropped from 90s-100s (Which I felt I had to get, because people were thinking I was stupid because of my eccentric appearance, behavior and sort of insanity I seemed to project (a teacher especially urged me, in disrespectful ways though, to go see a doctor..) but after that I didn't feel the need to prove myself anymore) they were back to average - although I didn't do all the exams and so, with some deep depressions and psychose. I was still very actif socially but, only because it came onto me I didn't care as much as I should of. But I did learn alot at home durign both my third and fourth year (I read alot). My reason for going home in my third year, now that I think about it, was that I could learn more at home; which is true but I didn't follow it. Durign the later days of my fourth year with mania/depression on and off I did stop going to school sometimes to work on things I felt were more constructive.

Now here I'm going on my fifth year (Although I did fail one). I think depression is pretty much gone, but I'm still introverted. But durign these last few months I've started writing alot of poetry, and I have strong confidence in a future in philosophy (Ethics and politics), physics/mathematics if I have the time, with poetry/music while I go to university. They do say Bipolar Disorder brings irrational confidence and so but, I say this based on what I've been told and what I notice. Poetry is guaranteed, music depends on my voice more alone, philosophy is something that can not be learned. I now put all my time in philosophy and poetry, and passed my school year on physics/mathematics, but I will now put this aside as I feel that a controlled environment (School) will be best, although I am entering physics classes next year and I've always enjoyed being better then the teacher when I can, or at least, being a 'smartass', so I will probably starting into physics again right before the school year.

Although this topic was self-centered in essence, the end is completely off topic.

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So, as you can see at the end of my erhm, resume of life-moods?, I am now very content with my life. I can appear arrogant, over-confident or so but that's alright, I try to work on it though. I believe that I have more mania then depression ahead, I seem to have it under control and hold no bad signs of 'Bipolar Disorder', I know that depression is slowly going away, and I do believe that it will not last long and considering that all my ambitions are rational, and I love working to make them happen, 'failed dreams depression' will probably not come. I am in now way materialistic so money is not an issue.

I love mania, and I love the downs I get too, although I might mistaken them for another 'version' of my mania though, I do not know or care much, I know what they are, I named them to understand myself better, and am now very happy with life, and now that I see that Bipolar Disorder is what is responsible for my peculier personality, I in no way wish to get rid of it. Control it better? I would like that, I think this will come with time, and understanding of what sets what off and so on. So I can be gregarious when I'm with people and introverted when alone. (Often I'm introverted in social times, which is

So, should I go on with this, or is there something I should know about Bipolar Disorder? I now realise that I was on the way to taking too much coffee (For about a month my sleeping times are horrible, like, Yesterday (Well, considering that, as I said, my sleep cycles are screwed yesterday today is a bit awkward but anyhow) I woke up at 4pm, and somtimes I woke at 6pm basically can't sleep when there's dark outside. It's 7:32am but I plan on taking coffee to stay up 'till 9pm or so then fall asleep to restore my sleep cycle).

I really do stray off; so I take too much coffee, when I came home from a concert, I decided to read on coffee, and well do many things, this is what keeps me awake all this time I read and write alot on the computer, and then when I figure I should go to bed I start reading a book for a few hours. Days where I don't see friends could work normally but, because I do seem my friends I can't spend enough time on what I want and end up doing it after getting home.

Strayed off again, so I read on coffee and saw this;

[quote=Wikipedia]
Caffeinism, a condition which mimics mental illnesses ranging from anxiety and bipolar disorder to schizophrenia and psychosis, is among the more worrisome effects of acute or chronic coffee consumption.
[/quote]

Several pages of the wikipedia later, I decided to come here and well, here I am So... what should I Know when dealing with coffe? I will read more on the internet after this post but I will ask it here as well. I was planning on taking it even once my sleep order was restored, but if it can cause depression then I'm off or maybe to decaff. At the moment I feel no effect from coffee though, I hardly see the point but I do like the taste. If it can only cause mania I'm fine with that, at the moment I get mania only at night, when with people, or sometimes when I listen to music and working on and thinking of my future in music (what I enjoy of music is that, the social part of it (a show for example) has this social part, where I would be brought into mania, even thinking about it brings slight mania, and when I actually write poetry, I have the other side of my personality.

I have noticed that when I'm outside, at night, I'm in mania and when there's light I'm very unsocial for example, I was at a indoor party two-three days ago, I just went in another room and started reading untill I realised that I couldn't concentrate when they wondered why I left asking me why I was gone, and just went back to the people but still lost in thoughts. This could be worst, and it will probably go away with time as well, seeing as it's getting better slowly but steady. I don't expect the irrational depressions to go away, but I enjoy them.

Basically, I'm happy to have Bipolar Disorder. It's a bit like a natural drug when I'm with people (and mania has taken over- which isn't always the case) and the depression part well, it's responsible for the poetic feel I have, sometimes I go for a walk outside, thinking. I might not be social at these times but I'm still relaxed comfortable. The actual depresions I do admit not enjoying, the last time I was very depressed (Although I know what set it off) was unbearable, I stayed home for about a week doing nothing at all except being depressed, i did get a psychose as well, I wrote two poems at that time but they were bad - although I hold on to all my poetry because what I see in it is an emotion, and as long as it's there I am content.


I strayed off again.. and now that I see I could write for an hour, I will end this:

Hmm, it is now 9:43am, I had forgotten about this post anyhow, I would really appreciate info on coffeine.. awfully long post to ask a question concerning caffeine but oh well!

Is this another effect of Bipolar Disorder? I certainly do not mind it but others might, if so, do they mind this in general?

Also I have chosen not to tell people in my surroundings, except if someone I trust is asking wonders, I have often been asked if I was depressed, and of course, rarely do you go "Yeah I'm so depressed" not only if you have a reason (Which are usually personal) but, if you don't have a reason, other then a mental disorder it's a bit erhm, too much. Also, although this post might suggest that I am that kind of person (Which I am not) some people do say that are mentally ill to be cool or so, of course I am 16 so the people are meet will be less mature then adults, who often care less about standing out (I'm just basing this on something George Orwell said, it might not be true I do not know, I don't know enough adults personally to make a conclusion). But anyhow!

Basically though, I feel I wouldn't be myself without Bipolar Disorder, it is responsible for all the ambition that I have, and I am so happy to have this ambition, withought the depressions, I would probably not have been so interested in learning I think. Before it used to painfull to be depressed, losing all ambition, but at the moment I am comfortable with the depression, and am happy to have it, although I do need the mania to keeps me sane I guess Long depressions I do not like, and long manias well, haven't happened since those four months, where although I did do alot of things, I look back and my mind was just.. too happy.. almost mindless.. I had an obsession with sheep and I do not know why. And I mean, a severe obsession. I compared everything to sheep and would "Behh" all the time. It's been gone since I lost the mania though. In other (but shorter) periods of mania, I remember obsessing on other things - which makes me realise I forgot to tell alot but this is long and boring enough as it is!

Erhm, and for those who read this far.. anyone? (Glad I don't mind writing to myself) which have Bipolar Disorder, I suggest music that doesn't fit your mood. For example I love Pink Floyd, and used to listen to it when I was depressed, which just kept the depression going. Now, when I listen to reggae (or even punk) when I wake up I'm very happy. The Doors I enjoy singing when in a weird mood which I can't decide if it's mania or depression. THen again, music tastes varie, but classical music tends to depress me. Just listen to happy music with high sound - it does wonders!

I will probably post some poetry in the poetry corner.

Also I didn't mention this, but I have heard very unclear voices, I have extreme paranoia all the time, and sometimes believe in weird stranges that, once I just think about it I don't understand myself. I once realised I was talking to a chair for example. I talk to myself alot, in mania (For some reason (Well now it's summer) but when I had school, although at school I usually half-slept-read-thought most of the time (Untill I started sleeping better which didn't last long but anyhow), when I had school, and came back after my classes were done, I would walk around home and tell wild stories, talk to myself in a weird way, happy for no reason whatsoever. I just realised that this is probably an important part of the disorder - heck, I might not have Bipolar Disorder. I have never had clear hallucinations, auditive or visual, but I have sort of been in a dream, but as I was awake. For example, wondering why people were in my bed and why they wouldn't stop moving and making noise so I could go to sleep. Or, feeling chased, when I wasn't actually being chased. Also, I was with friends once, and they were in the living room I was in my room, I sort of lost control of myself and ended up hanging by the window, with the screen removed, and a burning flag outside the window, I had not taken drugs and I rarely take drugs, almost never drink alcohol, I haven't been drunk in ages. And marijuana, I rarely smoke (only when friends offer a puff or something). When I have mania I feel (And I do think it's true) that no drug gives such an effect. The only drug I know that does this effect is Speed, which I took once (I was at 'important' concert and felt horrible (Tired, hungry and so on)) so I took speed. And I realised that the effect was alot like mania, except for some differences.

I am 16 now by the way..

Oh here's the link to the poetry I posted;