Please help me

Hello

I've been browsing these forums for a while now, trying to figure out what is wrong with me. The thing is, I have very major mood swings, up and down, up and down, up and down, often daily. The best way I feel I can describe it is a fluctuation between a high self esteem and low self esteem. Sometimes I feel nearly euphoric and other times I feel really down, almost rock bottom, like I'm worthless and have not one redeeming quality. I will beat myself up (with words) until I feel shattered and probably just sit there and shed a tear. Then in a day or two I feel fine again. Depending on my mood, my entire philosophy on life can change. One day I can want to help people, the next day I can want to kill them (fantasy of course).

I don't know whether I fit the description of this disorder, I really think I do, as I know I have a major emotional imbalance and it's fu*king up my life. Whether it's bi-polar? I don't know because I generally sleep well (one of the characteristics?) what I would classify as a MAJOR DEPRESSIVE EPISODE would probably only last at max a day, and often after the consumption of alcohol, but a less painful kind of feeling transparent, weak, not respected, conspired againt, used and unloved can last for weeks. I rarely ever feel normal, just after come off a high or a low.

My issues run much deeper than this, I really need professional help.

Can anybody help me?

Well, you've made the first step by saying "I really need professional help" Acceptence is the beginning, getting help is next.

I don't think anyone here is professionally qualified to make a true diagnosis, only a doctor can. Plus, if they do think you are bipolar, or anything else, only they can perscribe the medication or therapy needed.

I found this neet little questionare to help one getting started to see if one is bipolar. Screening for Bipolar Spectrum Disorders. Remember, this is just a starting off point, it can't say for certain if you are bipolar (fyi, I scored a 60).

As for sleep... I've read that some people sleep just fine, others have really weird sleep habits.

But from what I have learned, bipolar is combination of several required idiosyncrasies in daily behavior.

Please try contacting your normal doctor just to discuss what is going on in your life. They might be able to help, or refer you to a specialist.

I've found that once I've accepted I do have problems, the easier things have gotten. I'm now just starting new medication (for bipolar, previously was just on antidepresents), and am waiting for the effects to kick in (having to start at low doses, and work up). I know that these specific meds might not work as expected, but I also know that there are other medications that might, and I just have to be patient and work it through.

Mind you, I still have really crappy days (manic or depressed), but I've accepted them because from current theories, it's just a neurochemical imbalance that is out of my control.

One thing that is hard to accept is that I also have to stay on the medication, especially when feeling "normal'. Because if I don't, I will "crash and burn" and will have to start all over. I recently learned that the hard way

Thanks for the advice. I scored 51! Every question on the test I could relate to in a BIG way, which I've never been able to do before when doing tests for other mental disorders.

I feel normal today. I think I had a major depressive episode the other day, but I think that was partly to blame for the alcohol I consumed the night before, and I came down bad. When I'm high, I feel invincible, and do stupid foolish things that when I reflect on later I feel stupid for doing. I know though I feel 'normal' and relatively well today, I think it's important I get advice/help anyway, because I know from personal experience things can go from good to bad in a second. And I feel if I let this thing go, it will get progressively worse and I'll end up in jail, a mental hospital or possibly even dead.

Good luck to you

Hi,
Sorry you're going through such a struggle. I agree with one of the postings, that you should talk to a doctor that you trust. I was told that bipolar type 2, is hard to diagnose because we often present as severely depressed -- only one side of the disorder. And then we're treated with antidepressants. That helps the depression, but can lead to mania in persons who are bipolar. This is what I'm told. As to actual experiences, I've been doing better since my diagnosis went from "depressed" to "bipolar" because I'm on different drugs. But it all takes time, and during the mood swings, time doesn't seem to be something we have. Hopefully you'll get something from the postings on this forum. People here seem to be really thoughtful and helpful. Good luck to you too.