Just Want Some Opinions

Hi there. I'm not sure what my mood is doing. It seems like I'm having the up feeling like mania, along with the thoughts sort of racing, and a little agitation. At the same time I feel bad that I'm feeling "good." Whether it's a genuine good mood or a manic good mood I'm not sure, but I feel like I shouldn't feel this way. That I need to punish myself for it. It's weird, I've never had this feeling before. I suppose it could be a mixed state, but I'm not sure if I've ever experienced one or not. I have a history of SH, especially when I'm feeling numb. Now, I know SH is not good and I am not suggesting it to others. I'm just stating that I had / still do have SH issues. I just wanted to know if someone has experienced this. I do have low self esteem and tend to think bad of myself and that I am bad person. If anyone can offer advice / opinions / experiences it would be appreciated.

Wishing you all well.

- Jesse

Hi jesse,

I understand about having bipolar and also self harming. it is a difficult combination as one feeds into the other, for me i find mood feeds into SH urges tho i have not cut since February. I think the mentality of someone who self harms is about punishment and we look for reasons to punish ourselves. In your case it sounds like you have interpretted your changing moods as a reason for punishment. It is not but I know that is a difficult thing to believe so I would ask you to consider what you would say to me if i said the same thing to you as you have posted here. I think we are better at giving out advice than taking it. Hope this makes sense.

Cracked

Hi Jesse,
I've seen you around on the forums but must admit I don't know much about you other than you are a boy. I remember that thread when someone told you to paint your toenails. Can you indulge me to save me stalking your history and tell me whether bipolar is you only dx, whether you have a pdoc, whether you have a therapist, what meds you are taking and whether you have done a treatment program like DBT for example. Thanks mate. Hope you will reply... I will defo reply when I know a little more about you. Thinking of you. Jade x

Living Well wrote:Hi Jesse,
I've seen you around on the forums but must admit I don't know much about you other than you are a boy. I remember that thread when someone told you to paint your toenails. Can you indulge me to save me stalking your history and tell me whether bipolar is you only dx, whether you have a pdoc, whether you have a therapist, what meds you are taking and whether you have done a treatment program like DBT for example. Thanks mate. Hope you will reply... I will defo reply when I know a little more about you. Thinking of you. Jade x

Hi Jade. I'll indulge you. Bipolar is not my only diagnosis. I suffer from Psychosis (I assume this goes along with bipolar, but just saying) and I have Social Anxiety Disorder. I do have a pdoc who is also my therapist that I see once a week. I'm taking Seroquel 600mg, Lamictal 75mg, Propranolol 10mg twice a day, Klonopin 1mg three times daily and Zyprexa 10mg. I just started CBT therapy and we're doing exposure therapy for the Social Anxiety at the same time. Hopefully this saved you some time and didn't have to search all the forums for my background, lol.

Hope all of you are well

- Jesse

-- Tue Sep 20, 2011 3:01 pm --

Cracked, that does make sense. It's just new because the mood swings were never a trigger for my SH until now. I guess I have some things to talk to with my Doc on Friday. Thanks Cracked.

- Jesse

Hi Jesse,
My gut sense is that you may have abuse issues or a trauma of some type. I'm not a doctor but those meds seem to be really appropriate for BP1 and social anxiety. Self harm itself tends to be related to abuse or some high level of shame about something, as far as I know. Tread carefully with any abuse issues. Make sure you are relatively stable and have coping mechanisms before thinking of visiting them. Also, behaviour therapy can help you choose other actions other than your urges, even if those urges remain. It puts you back in the driver's seat of your life.
Thank you so much for your summary, and I hope you are having a better day.
Hugs,
Jade x

I'm not sure about the abuse part. I hardly have any memories of childhood. My father had some anger issues but he never physically / sexually abused me. He just made me anxious when he got angry (I still get scared a little when he gets upset) Now, don't get me wrong, I love my father to death and we have a good relationship now. I don't think he or any other family member intentionally hurt / traumatized me to my knowledge. While I was in the hospital there was an incident with another patient that got upset and started throwing things, yelling, etc. It reminded me of my father when he would have bouts of anger, and I had "flashbacks" so to speak of him getting angry. But my father never intended for his anger to hurt me, I'm sure. But like I said, I hardly have any memories of childhood. I went to several day care centers as a child and have absolutely no memory of being there. I'm not sure if that's evidence enough to point to trauma. Right now I'm trying to work on problems that I know exist now. And even if there are abuse issues in my past that I'm not aware of now I'm definitely not ready to tackle them yet. Not sure if his anger could've caused any psychological / emotional trauma for me. But like I said, he never directed anger at me I don't think.

I'm having a somewhat better day. Just feeling flat right now. And I haven't SH'd today either so I'm proud of that.

Hope you are doing well yourself.

- Jesse

One more thing. I did get bullied a lot at school from what I remember. Not sure if that would play a role in it or not.

justjesse wrote:Right now I'm trying to work on problems that I know exist now. And even if there are abuse issues in my past that I'm not aware of now I'm definitely not ready to tackle them yet.

I totally understand Jesse. Remember I don't know you - and you might have had a really obvious link to the sh. I too focus on now, not the harm that was done to me in childhood, but knowing that I have post traumatic stress reactions that trigger my borderline and bipolar is important for me to managing those illnesses.

Hope that makes sense I'm glad you are having a better day

Jade xx

Hi Jesse,

I completely understand the feelings of guilt when feeling 'happy', I feel that too, it's hard to describe but I too think I shouldn't feel happy and even get embarrassed by it and then fakefeeling depressed.
I've no idea why and it is an odd feeling.

I hope we find some answers to this mind boggling emotion but let's face it, Bipolar is a condition with many questions and not enough answers!

I see Jade. Maybe there are triggers from my childhood but I can't point them out if so. Or maybe it's just an obvious thing. Not too sure of what my triggers are at this point. And yes, that does make sense.



Bendy, I completely agree. Lots of questions, not enough answers. Atleast someone can relate. Hopefully we both will get answers soon.

As far as my mood right now, I am genuinely depressed. It was so small a trigger, but hit me hard. Hit me in the "I'm a horrible person and everything bad that happens is all my fault" way. So, feeling complete worthlessness right now. All because I forgot to do something so small. Why do the smallest things hit me the hardest?


Hope all of you are doing well.

- Jesse

Hi Jesse,

So sorry things have got to you. You are none of the bad things you say about yourself. Please keep posting and talk it out if you want to, we are here to listen.

Cracked