hospitalization

I have bipolar disorder and want to open up to my doctor about my strong desire for suicide but am afraid I'll be hospitalized. If this happens does anyone have experience on what its like to be on suicide watch. I've been hospitalized for a few days but not for that. I guess I'm just afraid of being locked in a room for 30 days, doesn't give me much incentive to open up to my doctor.

Thanks
lopan

dear lopan
i also hold onto a huge childhood fear of being institutionalized, and am seeing a therapist next week... i am also wary of what i should and shouldn't say.

i look forward to replies in this thread.

I have been hospitalized three times...

Suicide watch is really not that bad, at least not where I was. Basically they won't leave you alone. When you are in your room alone, someone will do checks every 15 mins or so to make sure everything is alright. The only thing that really bothered me about the suicide watch was that the hospital I was in had red lights above the bed that glowed throughout the night. That way the nurses could see you in your room at night. I didn't like this because I have a sleeping disorder and it made it hard to sleep.

As far as talking to someone, the first time you go to someone is definatly the hardest. You don't know what to say, how they will react, etc... But I will say for many years I too was scared to open up and express my true feelings and my true mind state. I only got worse. Once I finally wasn't scared anymore, yes I got hospitallized, but as hard as it was to be away from everything that I knew, it helped in various ways. It helped me the most to see that there were other people my age dealing with and suffering the same things that I did, I wasn't alone. Also, it taught me to take my medicine on a regular basis, to open up about my problems, and to cope with my past and my present.

Hospitalization can be a scary thought, but it is not as bad as what you might think it would be.

I definatly suggest that you be completely honest with your therapist, tell them exactly how you are feeling, and what you are feeling. If you know why you are feeling that way, share that with them too. If you are not honest they can't help you. I am glad to hear that you have made the first step as to get into to see someone. Now you must be brave enough to tell the truth and to use the therapy for what it is for. If you have a strong desire for suicide, it might be best for you to be somewhere where you can't hurt yourself. Giving you the chance to work on your problems and issues and giving you the chance to overcome your desire for suicide. I too am bipolar. I lost my father to suicide when I was 11 years old. Even though it hurt me TERRIBLY I still attempted many times to hurt myself or kill myself. If I hadn't gotten hospitalized, I probably wouldn't be here.

If you have any other questions, I will be happy to try to answer them to the best of my ability. It has been several years since I was hospitalized for the last time, but I will do the best I can.

Good luck to you.

Hi Raindrop thanks for the reply. I'm sorry to hear about your father. My father has had some health problems lately and I honestly don't think that would be something I'd get through but that would probably come down to me letting someone know how I felt.

My doctor seems reasonable so that's not a worry. I know or at least have heard some doctors hospitalize you at the mention of suicide. I've told my doctor I wished someone would kill me, if I was going to kill myself that I would use a sword and impale myself (I was in a really bad state), I guess that sounds too extreme for him to think I'd actually do it. I've never outright said I thought I wanted at times to actually go through with it. If he asked me I'd deny it.

I'm getting to a point were when I'm depressed I believe its right and don't want any help. I feel ok now but my thoughts get stronger everytime. I guess I just have to tell him and let him do what he feels is right.

BTW - When you say someone is always with you, do you mean literally everywhere (shower, bathroom etc.).

Again thanks for the reply, I hope things are going well for you now

lopan

I, too, am very wary and scared of hospitalization, but I know at some point if it were necessary I guess I would go. I just wanted to mention that there are other places like "crisis stabilization centers" that are not as "strict" or whatever you want to call it as the psych ward at a hospital. They are also for people who are suicidal, but also just in some form of (mental health) crisis. It's more like a mini-dormitory where they do watch you, but it's less intense than in the hospital and they do keep you from any drugs or objects that you might use to harm yourself, they take that very seriously. They check on you at night, but no red lights. It can be very good treatment and the setting is far less like a hospital. You should find out if there are any such programs in your area - where I live there are a number of them. I was fortunate in that it was completely free (especially since I had no insurance or money) - the only thing I had to pay for was meds. If you want help, but don't want the hospital, this might be a feasible option for you to try. They will protect you there, it's just like a step below actual hospitalization.

And also you see psychiatrists daily, which is extremely helpful if you are really in acute crisis. You also have access to counselors daily and even social workers.