What's it like to be Bipolar?

im schizoaffective i believe. around december i get super depressed, springtime super-grandiose. im my own tragic hero in every sense of the word - sometimes i feel like i can do anything and everything i do is amazing and im very proud, sometimes i feel cursed, as if im throwing my life away (studying to be an artist) and no one really cares bout me/nor should they...

i still dont believe 100% my moods are just chemical - most people i know feel at times depressed and euphoric, but maybe i react more intensely. high or depressed, i always enjoy "bleeding" on a sheet of paper or canvas.

i seem to be more productive/capable than some stories i read but im only 20 and still able to live off my parents - cant imagine what my future will be like.

My husband has heard voices on occasion. He says most of them are saying things he can't understand. I don't think he hallucinates visually.

He came off of his meds once back when we were dating & he was trying to throw away everything in his apartment. He was crying a lot and shoving me out of the apt. After that, we were BOTH crying. I was trying to stop him from throwing out some things, it was just chaos. He went into the hospital & was put back on his Depakote & Stelazine. Thank heavens that hasn't happened again! (this was 3 yrs ago)

Now he is taking Lamictal in lieu of Depakote. He's lost about 25 pounds too! I know Depakote can pack on the pounds....

PW

I think the worst delusions/hallucinations I have had due to bipolarI believe were med-induced. I was seeing cats everywhere and smelling things that were impossible in weird places and thought I had come to a thorough understanding of the entire universe.

When I'm not on meds, though, I just tend to have the typical delusions of grandiosity... like I have some important role to play in humanity and I can telepathically communicate with people I've never met, predict the future, I'm convinced I can do absolutely anything I put my mind to and can psychically make things happen... is any of that normal?

okay well I am Bipolar and I suffer from hallucinations as well as horrible mood swings and insomnia. Once I had a hallucination, where, a horse appeared in my bedroom and I ran out of the room screaming. Another time, I saw red eyes and a dead woman's hand. I often hear voices and am paranoid that people are following me, dead people are in my closet and someone will kill me while I'm in the shower. yes, I know, I am quite strange.

being bipolar 1 sucks. no, really, it does. at least I seem to scare away everyone i've ever known with my rapid mood swings and irritability.

I have bipolar I disorder. I've been on lithium since last November and it's been OK. Today, I got very irritated in my night class and scribbled on my paper for a significant amount of time or wrote letters to myself or my older sister. Suicide thoughts rushed in and rushed out and I just felt very uncomfortable in my skin.

Last year, when I wasn't diagnosed, I would stay up very late and laugh and such and be very hyper and accomplish a lot of work and turn the music on extremely loud... only to cry a great deal a few hours later, and then, refuse to go to school and try to sleep for the rest of the day. I've also thrown things around in my room during the transition.

As for hallucinations, I've seen my cousins standing still and if I would try to touch them or blink, they would disappear immediately. For voices, I've heard the same girl say to me "Don't go to hell with me" and also, she told me to "GO AWAY!!!" when I tried to nap on my bed. She has also called my name before. However, I've only heard her a few times, thank goodness. The other night, I thought someone was about to attack me - that someone was breathing near my ear and I freaked out.

Anyway, my moods change often during the week - I have to up my lithium dosage. Small things can really set me off - especially things pertaining to school grades and intelligence or anything associated with self-worth - I will keep questioning myself and go through periods of self-deprecation and it eventually leads to sucidial thoughts.

When I'm manic, I don't notice how my speech patterns - that is, how quickly I am speaking or the puzzled looks of my peers when they cannot keep up with my pace. Thoughts are zooming in my head and sometimes I can't take it and then I vent on paper - I scribble, doodle, draw, and let my paper bleed because I get really anxious. I get very irritated towards everyone and well, they just assume I am PMS-ing.

I'm unsure if I have bipolar disorder, but I have been more irritable/agitated more than usual lately. I was always that way since I was little, but it has gotten worse now. I've never had a depressive state, but sometimes I get into this 'crying mood' that usually lasts less than 1hr. and all seems hopeless, than I just go back to this agitated state. The 'crying moods' only happens no more than once a week.

What could it be? Could someone tell me, please...

Adna wrote:I think the worst delusions/hallucinations I have had due to bipolarI believe were med-induced. I was seeing cats everywhere and smelling things that were impossible in weird places and thought I had come to a thorough understanding of the entire universe.

When I'm not on meds, though, I just tend to have the typical delusions of grandiosity... like I have some important role to play in humanity and I can telepathically communicate with people I've never met, predict the future, I'm convinced I can do absolutely anything I put my mind to and can psychically make things happen... is any of that normal?

The second part of this caught my eye, as it perfectly describes my secondary dx of schizotypal, which is the pathological term, Idiosyncratic Personality Type is a non-pathological form of this disorder and does not require treatment.Which mine has been recently re-evaluated to.

. That form isn't bad, Steven King and Einstein had / have it. I'll try to find more info on it in my fav.s or you can search under google for it.

I find it normal, hence my dx. But the first half of your letter describes my psychosis during mania to a tee, it can be exausting can't it?

All my best, ddeehopes

Yes I have had delusions, hallucinations (always animals . . sometimes people). I am on medication now so I am doing wonderful. But I used to go up and down so fast I would never know what I was going to feel. One thought or delusion could make me spring into depression and suicide and then another one would pop into my head and I would be super excited. What a life eh? I have heard the voice of my friend in a nearby town speaking to me but that only happened once.

I have often wondered what it would be like to be schizo . . good post.