Am I cyclothymic? Bipolar? Anybody relate to this?

I went through a period of "enhanced mood" in 2010. It started after some significant friction at home and involved us moving from a house which I didn't really want to move from. About 2 or 3 months later I started working out, normally at first, but then it progressed to two hours a day. On my days of from work I would go eat lunch by myself and try to relax by driving to a town 45min away. The drive felt peaceful, and sitting still at home (alone) was extremely difficult to do. I am normally a fairly laid back person. During this time, I distanced myself from my family and didn't feel as though this was a problem. I have never felt that way before in my life. I couldn't sit still and read a book or watch a movie, things I often did before. I felt great on my solo day-trips, not a care in the world. I ended up pursing a woman online and ended up cheating on my wife with her (I had never cheated on my wife in my 17 year realtionship until then). I cheated on her at a time that then "headiness" I had been feeling was subsiding. I think I did it in order to try to stay "up". I failed miserably and spiraled down to a point of telling my wife about the affair, and now I am quite depressed about the things I did during my "elated time".

I have always had "cycles", particularly related to hobbies. I get excited about a new hobby and am near-euphorically obsessed about it for a month or so, then I just kinda drop it. I then feel "down" for a few weeks. It's like I have to be obsessed with a new hobby all the time or i'm just bored with life.

This last episode I had fits all the possible criteria for a hypomanic episode in the DSM, except I never got into financial trouble. It was the worst "swing" I've ever had. I was 34 years old when that happened.

Im interested in your thoughts.

Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about your difficulties. No one here can tell you what diagnosis you have as we are not professionals but we can go by our own experiences. Some of what you say may suggest you have a mood disorder and I think the best thing I can suggest is visiting your Dr and asking for an assessment for this. Good luck and let us know how you are getting on.

Cracked

Thanks for the reply, but I'm not asking for a diagnosis. I plan on getting an appt this week. What I really want is to know if these things sound familiar to anyone. Mostly to know how similar I am to others here.

Thanks

I am glad you are getting an appt. I recognise some of what you say in myself - like I say we go off our own exeriences to advise you. I can't speak for others on here but hopefully you will get some more replies to help you out.

Cracked

Thanks for your help. Looking more for camaraderie with this crap. I can understand why people would think it was just a mid-life crisis or something. But the energy level and lack of concern about consequences is so unlike me. I really feel like it was someone else with me along for the ride.

I hope if you hang out in this forum for a bit you will feel the cameraderie we have here and how we are all helping each other along on our journeys. Have a look throuhg some of the threads to get a feel for the place and the ppl here and what we are all going through.

Cracked

Hey Andalusian,

I'm also here for camaraderie, since I have both a therapist and pdoc I see regularly. Recently dx bipolar (as well as C-PTSD). I definitely relate to what you've reported, especially the driving and the infidelity. After 14 years monogamous started cheating, can't believe that happened. Also I spent last summer getting up nearly every morning and driving an hour and a half away from my home to go hiking. Something about the speed and the motion made the external world match the speed of my internal world. 6 hours of intense mountain hiking would wear me down so I could sleep. I couldn't sit still otherwise. Risky behaviour, impulsiveness, sense of invincibility. Also I understand the cycles of intense interest in a new subject completely. One week it's deciding I'm wiccan (!) and dropping it within days. Then it's spending a week buying every skull T-shirt I can find on the internet. Then it's deciding I'm going to practice chakre meditation and never even listening to the 6-CD disc set I bought.

Not confirming a Dx, but def see that Dr soon. PM me anytime if you have questions

Sounds familiar! I was very active, working out two hours a day, i had trouble sleeping ONLY if I didn't work out that day, so not often.
People at work would jokingly say things like, "did you forger your Ritalin today?". Or "I want whatever you're on.". I'd wake up at 0700 on Saturday morning to either work out or just do something like wash the car, (unlike me).
I have "serial obsessions (hobbies)", including flying lessons, skiing, biking(bout $1500 for two bikes), camping, boating, surfing, rebuilding old cars, etc. All lasted about a month or two, then dropped.
These obsessions were never detrimental, just annoying, but this last episode with the affair is why I'm concerned. I never imagined doing this before, and looking back I am shocked at what I did.

Yeah it's really alarming to do risky things that seem so unlike yourself. Only after a series of doing really destructive things (destructive to my relationship) did I put my foot down with my therapist, who kept saying this was all just anger that I was getting in touch with from childhood, and suggest she consider it was something else. Once I relayed all the cheating/violence to my Pdoc she knew right away.

Also had problems with aggressions, which was also uncharacteristic. I remember at the worst moments and even on my general agitated days, I was thinking totally new thoughts about about my partner... thoughts about not loving him and really hating him. Having so much anger and aggression that I directed towards him. Then the next day I'd feel fine, and have NO memory and no idea why he was avoiding me (not due to alcohol/drugs). I was paranoid and everything he said and did was twisted by my suspicion. Thankfully he's a lot bigger than I am so I was never able to actually hurt him physically, but the emotional wounds are pretty deep and it'll be a while before everything is back to normal. I think that's the biggest thing I have trouble figuring out... that my thoughts and beliefs themselves were altered everyday. I've never heard of this as a symptom o bipolar, unless it fits paranoia. One day I couldn't stand him, the next I "remembered" and could feel all the love I had felt for 13 years prior.

I never really forgot what I was like from day to day, but I just didn't care. I never had aggression, just complete and total self-absorption. I was never angry....unless I was expected to do something that wasnt on my agenda. Looking back, I was a real ass. I'm so embarrassed and full of regret.
I'm also worried that I want a diagnosis to blame all this on, but I was just SO not myself I don't see how I could be like that.