Bipolar Dilimmas

I'm 45 and I've never bothered to diagnose or get treatment. But I know something has never been right with me.

I'm not depressed or have mood swings. I'm just terrified of new social situations and meeting new people. From the outside everything seems fine.. just another boring, antisocial guy.. but It really limits me.

Though I'm married and have children, my plan is to live my life in isolation and to avoid every social event that will introduce anything or anybody new or different into my life.

I am not sad, depressed or lonely. however at times I do sense fear and get a little nuerotic with antixcipation of change. I overanalyze and lose focus and clam up.

For me I am very skeptical of Therapy and meds. I also feel I won't medicate well. I'm also concerned with labels and being documented on medical records.

Much of what is wrong with me often has more to do with what people will think and say.. oddly enough. As always, many of the limits in our heads sometime make little sense.

Not knowing from day to day.

I would say isolation etc but I suffer from fibromyalgia which causes me chronic pain and fatigue and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome which causes chronic pain etc so these are isolating in themselves, even without mental health issues, I would still be isolated because physically, I can't get out much anyway.

daisy1 wrote:I voted for wreckless behaviour, but I nearly put stigma. When I'm manic I loose all inhibitions. I feel really exposed because of it. I tell people around me really personal things and regret it when I've come down from the mania. It's like being drunk at a party and embarrassing yourself only much worse because it's for months at a time and everyone around you is sober (/sane).

Often I've said things when I'm manic that I would never even think when I'm not. I feel really attracted to people who I'm not normally (and tell them so). I'm paranoid that people think the real me is the manic one; that the things I say when I'm manic are the things I really think underneath, but just don't say normally.

I totally relate to this and I like the analogy of everyone else being "sober" while we're "drunk", because that is how I feel during a manic episode. The worst part of all of this for me is not being able to date. When I'm interested in someone it's only a matter of time before I start "manic texting" as opposed to "drunk dialing" and things of that nature. Yesterday for no apparent reason, I sent the object of my affection, a girl I've only known for a few months, a text that read, "Oh wow look at me I wear Hollister and my family has money. My boyfriend looks like a retarded Garth Brooks we're all very impressed. Go be on girls gone wild already you c*%t." Who says that, really? That is completely out of character for me, to say something so incredibly mean and hurtful. Naturally, her response was a big F you, followed by the word "psycho" which really stung. Maybe she's right, but she never got to know the real me, the "sober" me who is nothing like that. It makes me incredibly sad, that anyone new entering my life will possibly never get far enough to not judge me for my mania and may never understand that this is something I'm trying desperately to control.

Hearts and stars - Mad Rose

I voted "keeping jobs" because it's been the most constant throughout my life.

Reckless behavior comes in second but I recently got a handle on that problem after nearly dying from SEVERE illness. I even began shooting up crystal meth.

My most difficult symptom is depression and social isolation, closely followed by guilt as a result of wreckless behaviour and lack of motivation (which compounds the depression). The joys of BP....

I picked wreckless behavior... risky sex, violence, and general homicidal rage. I thought of getting a gun for self protection, and my guy said I would probably kill him with it. Sad thing is, I think he's right.

as a dilemma i would pick the moodswings like
i just hate it that normal people can do whatever they want ill try to explain like
they can do bad things or party there asses off have allot of stress and things like that
i always have to pay for it with episodes of depression
irritates the hell outaa me
(sorry for the bad english)

I picked reckless behaviour. I've messed with very risky stuff, including intravenous drug abuse and unsafe sex with one night stands. I used to hang out with 'wrong crowd.' Very wrong. Psychopaths, criminals, drug addicts.

Thank god for lithium, it has been helpful. Probably saved my life, even. If I'm off it even for a couple off weeks, I go crazy. I've realized I just need to take my meds, because I don't want to mess things up again.

Can you check all of them - at one time or another?
I went through the job problems but the last 6 years I worked I actually chanelled some of my BP traits (hyperactivity, OCD, goal setting to the extreme) to work several different jobs almost back to back, and some very long hours which took a physical toll on me. Most of my life before that was spent in apartments and at various jobs that might last a day, a few weeks, or maybe a year if lucky. When I lost the job (sometimes due to my bipolar and sometimes due to economy or the work being temporary from the start) then I had rent back up and ended up homeless a few times over the years.
I set the goal to own my own home and did it. But before that I spent over 20 years flip flopping from job to job, apartment to apartment, even state to state - friends were transient and relationships failed. that's a very long time to be bouncing around like a ping pong ball. But I also believe you can use some of the Bipolar traits to succeed, like creativity, obsessions, etc - as long as they are used in a healthy way. Even so, I was able to earn and save money within a few years, at the expense of more than one physical problem directly caused by my over working. But I do not have to worry about meeting next months rent again. Just utility bills and that alone is hard some times.

Anxiety is a major one for me, and consequently functioning normally day to day. I couldn't attend highschool every day, I couldn't finish University even though I got straight A's (it gave me a major breakdown with multiple daily panic attacks), I can't keep jobs due to quitting under high stress, and I can't get jobs due to being too unbalanced and fearing not being stable enough to hold a job. I had to give up my hopes of being a parent due to anxiety/panic attacks and inability to care for myself, can't maintain friendships due to agorophobia and social phobia, and can rarely leave the house.

Medicating anxiety is also near impossible for me. I spent 3 yrs on 4-8mg daily Xanax which didn't completely eliminate my panic attacks, and made me a zombie with severe amnesia.
-anti-depressants usually make anxiety worse. Not being on antidepressants makes me a depressive slug
-anti-psychotics make me too drowsy so that all I do is sleep, but they help the anxiety (not eliminate)
-Lithium helps with anxiety but not enough