What's Your Story?

Hey CrackedGirl,

Thanks for the supportive response and nice to meet you ... Yep, I unfortunately had to go through this wasted summer to get the diagnosis ... but if I never again have a depressive episode, I will be one happy person ... I definitely like it here and there is so much reading to do when you are new!

Hope you are well.

mrsports8 wrote:Hey CrackedGirl,

Thanks for the supportive response and nice to meet you ... Yep, I unfortunately had to go through this wasted summer to get the diagnosis ... but if I never again have a depressive episode, I will be one happy person ... I definitely like it here and there is so much reading to do when you are new!

Hope you are well.

Glad you like it here I am OK- got a flu like illness atm so feeling a little sorry for myself...

Hugs

Cracked

Hello

I was diagnosed with Bipolar more than a decade ago - here is my (long story) and thoughts on the subject:

[Taken from Bipolar Blog I] Apologies in advance for the TLDR too long post but hopefully it has useful information for some people.

Preface:
Any stress is a threat to your survival – anything that brings anxiety. Bad food, bad fumes, bad people, toxic water, pollution etc… will bring stress on the body – your body will sense it’s a risk – to someone with heightened fight or flight response and hypersensitivity to stress, this will trigger the exaggerated hormonal response that brings severe anxiety – rising and rising until one ultimately becomes psychotic.

BipolarLive WordPress Blog v1.1 [work in progress] – by Carlo Cola 30.6.2014

Warning: The following is just my personal experience with Bipolar Disorder and the medicines prescribed to treat it. Everyone has different genes thus varying reactions to drugs. Always consult a medical professional before altering your intake of these drugs – it can be dangerous and life threatening to immediately discontinue psychiatric medications.

In the following text I will refer to Bipolar as “illness” that is “a disease or period of sickness affecting the body or mind”. Personally I don’t agree with bipolar (& perhaps many other mental illnesses) being described as a sickness or illness – my understanding is that it’s an allergy, a hypersensitivity to one thing – stress. If you suffer from Bipolar – It’s a very natural human animalistic trait to have and is most certainly attributed to your existence now here on this planet. This heightened “fight or flight” acute stress response probably ensured the survival of countless numbers of your genetic ancestors.

At this stage in my life I really know Bipolar illness thoroughly. Each severe manic episode requiring hospitalisation has been a huge learning experience not only for me, but crucially, also my family. The understanding they now have of the illness and the support this allows them to offer has been a major breakthrough in maintaining the illness. Furthermore, in the fourteen years of suffering the illness I have picked up various cognitive behavioural type techniques and developed them internally to a point where they are highly effective. I’ve reached a milestone of understanding an illness which cut short my father’s life and has severely disrupted my own.

Currently the only disrupting part of the Bipolar illness for me is the Mania – the Psychosis. It is the only aspect of the illness for which I require hospitalisation. In fact, for the past seven years I have never suffered from any serious depression, certainly none that would require medication or hospitalisation. The most serious depression and suicidal feelings have come about while in hospital as a direct result of the bombardment of very high dose Atypical Antipsychotics which is currently the preferred choice of treating acute psychosis. While much better than previous treatments like frontal lobe lobotomy, insulin or water/drowning treatment, I look forward to the scientific community providing better solutions to controlling Psychosis or, better still, avoiding it completely.

In the next few paragraphs I will talk about Psychosis from my perspective, what exactly brings it on and explain fact that it is actually a very simple, primitive and completely sane reaction to an insane environment and/or society.

For me (the actual person who experiences the illness first hand) I now know very clearly the mechanical steps towards how illness manifests itself in my mind and body (where illness is complete breakdown/manic episode/psychosis requiring hospitalisation). There are growing numbers of long term diagnosed (and long term medicated) Bipolar sufferers, many of whom have inspired me greatly, who are following this philosophy and living very good lives without any medication at all.

It’s easiest to convey in the following diagram [to be added]:

Stress (any stressors: emotional, environmental pollution, toxicity, wrong food, chemical intake) = anxiety = cortisol/other physiological reactions = paranoia = stress = fight or flight? = Psychosis = delusions/hallucinations = complete breakdown

So as I see it Bipolar is hypersensitivity to stress.

Please refer to Appendix I included at the end by Professor Sir Robin Murray ( Institute of Psychiatry, King’s College London.) who explains the exact details of what is conveyed above. Please note also that the migration, education and other factors described by Professor Sir Robin Murray are directly applicable to both my late father (who, as already explained, also suffered from severe Bipolar) and myself.

Having always been a strong believer in holistic medicine I now firmly believe that dealing with the cause of the Psychosis – stress and anxiety (as always advised) is the correct approach – treating the cause is completely logical. I won’t pretend to even begin to understand receptors and neurochemistry, I also realise this whole text will come across as naive to any medical professional but I truly cannot understand why what seems to be the route cause of my illness has never been addressed directly neither cognitively or with medicine. From recent experience I can say that nothing treats anxiety more effectively than beta-blockers. It is with great regret that only in the last few weeks, after 14 years of suffering, have I been prescribed beta-blockers at my request after reading about their mode of action, following a brief description from a family member who studied behavioural psychology. The direct dedicated targeting of the beta receptor relieves the excruciatingly painful anxiety which would otherwise send me into Psychosis. Using a maintenance dose of an Antipsychotic, despite being tried and tested for decades, is in my opinion like treating a benign cist with chemotherapy.

Through six long term hospital admissions, three of which were in intensive psychiatric care, I have been administered practically all new and old antipsychotics from Chlorpromazine to Thiridozine to Zuclopenthixal, why on earth have I never experienced a simple Beta Blocker?

I believe if I was prescribed a beta blocker 14 years ago, when I approached my GP for help with anxiety, (which led to depression and paranoia) I may never have had to experience Psychosis. Instead the GP prescribed Paroxetine (brand name: Seroxat) because Pfizer were rewarding GP’s with tokens for air miles, luxury holidays and other perks for reaching prescription targets preset by the pharmaceutical companies. He also wrote the prescription with a Pfizer Seroxat pen – probably given to him at the very “drug convention” where a Pfizer sales representative would have explained the enticing bonuses of prescribing their “wonder” drug. This now banned antidepressant was undoubtedly the “take a seat in mental health rollercoaster and prepare for a truly sickening ride” moment. Another side effect of our insane society. I can say with all sincerity that Pfizer Seroxat (Paroxetine) ruined my life – I should be greatful that I still have my life I suppose since the main reason for banning the drug were the countless suicides committed by unlucky people who clearly had a much greater adverse reaction than I did.

I have a strong opinion that “bipolar episodes become more frequent with age” is partly propaganda of the pharmaceutical companies, ensuring many lifetime subscriptions to their “medicine” – it is also my opinion that this is a disgusting side effect of our capitalistic society where it’s clear that profit comes before people .

Lithium is different when compared to the marketed and patented synthetics. Being a natural element (albeit a highly toxic one) it can be freely extracted and produced by anyone so it cannot generate the huge profits of the synthetic compounds. This may hold true for Propranolol too – certainly it’s patent expired many moons ago.

I will leave you with a real cliché which is derived from an R.D. Laing quote I believe. I first it heard from my Sister, you have probably heard it a million times but it is so true: “Insanity is a sane reaction to an insane situation”

For all true Bipolar sufferers out there, a quote from Sir Winston Churchill – look at what he achieved – whilst self medicating with alcohol and cuban cigars – although I am sure in some government vault lies the notes revealing what drugs were really used to support the gentleman who defended our nation and played a pivotal role in defeating one of the greatest evils ever presented to our planet: “I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand right back and if possible get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation.” – Winston Churchill (1874-1965)



APPENDIX I
Professor Sir Robin Murray: We have done a lot of research in the last ten years that does indeed indicate that social factors are important. These may be things that happen near to the illness, so for example, having some adverse event, particularly threatening or victimisation events, may make people more prone to paranoia.
For example, if you get an event where you lose somebody, like a spouse or a brother or sister, it’s more likely to predispose you to depression, but if you get an event where you’re attacked in the street or some threat involved, this is more likely to, if you have a susceptibility, to bring on paranoia or psychosis. We know that these adverse events, the stress, probably increases your cortisol levels, and this in turn can precipitate the psychosis.
We know that when any normal individual is stressed, this has an effect on the pituitary gland in the brain, and this in turn causes the production of cortisol, which is really the ‘fight or flight’ response, and so this is an entirely healthy thing when the stress just occurs for half an hour, or for a day.
But if you have continually high cortisol levels, then this can begin to impair the health of the nerve cells in a particular bit of the brain called the hippocampus. And we know also that the hippocampus can be damaged by birth complications, and we know that the hippocampus is involved in the control of the levels of dopamine.
So if you start off, for example, with a slightly more vulnerable hippocampus because of something that’s happened in your brain development, and then you’re stressed, this puts up the cortisol level, and if that persists over a long period of time, it can cause what’s called a ‘second hit’ to the hippocampus, and this in turn can cause some dis-control of the dopamine. So we regard the cortisol as a precipitant, which in somebody who is vulnerable, can bring on the illness. Now in the rest of us, who have not had any of these developmental problems, we would just be stressed and we might get anxious or depressed, but we wouldn’t go on to develop hallucinations or delusions.
There is a lot of evidence that migration increases the risk of psychosis. Migrants everywhere have an increased risk of psychosis, to a greater or a lesser extent.
Why should migrants be at increased risk? Well, you just have to think of yourself in a foreign country. Would you buy a second-hand car in Greece? It’s difficult enough buying a second-hand car – you wonder if the garage man is fiddling you, but if you are in a foreign country, Greece or Finland or Spain, then you don’t know how to read his facial expressions, you don’t know really what the right price is, you are more prone to paranoia.
Another example is you go on your holiday, you get off at the airport, you take a taxi, how long is it before you begin to think the taxi driver is driving round in circles in order to increase the amount he can charge you, so you’re a bit more wary when you’re in a foreign country or somewhere you don’t quite understand the social norms.
So this probably provokes increased liability to paranoid psychosis in migrants. What we do know, that this seems to be a problem particularly for black migrants into the UK.
So, for example, if you are born in Jamaica you are no more at risk of developing schizophrenia if you stay in Jamaica than any white person, But if you then migrate from Jamaica to the UK, your risk goes up significantly. And we think this is probably related to the stress of migration and being a migrant in an unfamiliar situation.
So we know that migrant populations tend to have a poorer education, they tend to have poorer housing, particularly black populations, may have more difficulty getting a job, they may be subject to discrimination, or they may have difficulties with the police, now maybe, you can actually, by causing repeated discriminatory events to happen to someone, you may actually begin to make them think that the society is against them, well it may be in part, but even when it’s not, this may provoke a paranoid way of thinking.

Hello. My name is David.
I've had hallucinations for years. Very few of them but still some. Which stopped when I was put on Abilify (an antipsychotic for those who don't know it).
three years ago, I woke up on a day and thought I had to stop eating.
For two months and a half, I didn't eat anything without purging afterwards. I strongly believed that it was not that bad and that eating was not worthy of me. That I was too clever and strong to eat anything. And that the less I ate the stronger I grew.
One day, just as it started, it stopped. I could eat again.
I fell down, down a very deep depression. Which was interrupted by mixed episodes, what I suspect to be a dysphoric mania, and quite lately, what I consider to be an hypomanic episode.
I was diagnosed with depression, anorexia, bulimia, ptsd. I'm a self-harmer. My psychiatrist suspects an asperger and a borderline personnality disorder. But I think she's wrong about the latter. She thinks my hypomanic episode was too short to be a real one (it lasted three days). Now according to the DSM it is true. But Im pretty sure I'm bipolar or cyclothymic, though I don't really know which type. Im currently trying to get an appointment with a specialist of cyclothymia who gave me professional agreement about me being bipolar/cyclothymic through one of his patients who gave him a list of my symptoms. He thought more of a cyclothymia.
My psychiatrist doesn't know about cyclothymia actually, and I think that is why she doesn't really think I'm cyclothymic or bipolar. She agreed that it was possible, but said I'm too young to be diagnosed (I'm a teenager.)
So well I'm waiting for the appointment! good luck to everyone on here.

Hi and welcome to you guys

Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourselves. I hope you like it here and that you find it a supportive and friendly place. If you have any questions feel free to PM me or another mod

Hugs

Cracked

I was first diagnosed with depression but then when I started to have hypomanic moods my doctor changed the diagnosis to Bipolar type 2. That kind of confused me because I never got super manic, and everybody liked me when I was hypomanic and I got so much done when I was hypomanic. As I have gotten older, the depressions have gotten worse and lasted longer and the hypomanic periods have gotten much, much shorter. I had a very abusive childhood physically and sexually. My mother was very depressed and cruel to me and my brothers and sister. Her depression seemed to lift as my siblings and I left home to go to college. She was like a changed person. I think she should have never had children which hurts. I have a fairly supportive husband as far as the bipolar goes which helps. Nandy6

What a lot of people don't get, is some times I prefer the depression. Just because I know I won't 'wake up' wondering what I did. I know what I did, but not why. I see what I think are normal 'people/families' and wonder how it all works? How can this person have a wife and kids? How can they have families, how can they live, they have no money, no jobs, but somehow they get by. And I have nothing?

When I feel good about things, someone steps in to knock me down. And the cycles keep coming. One day I want to write books, reinvent the internet, do all of this stuff. And a few days later it is gone. I will cry when I am cold, even though I can just grab a blanket. I will laugh and tell bad jokes when I am around people, even when I shouldn't. It is a life of not knowing what is going to happen, and there is one person saving me right now, I won't say he is a friend, but an aquaintance, and he understands.

Otherwise I would be out of work. Which I think I need to be out of, because I am done, I can't do what I do anymore. I am defeated before I start,

Hi and welcome to you both

Thank you for your posts and for saying something about yourselves. I hope that you like it here and that we can help you. There are ppl at all sorts of points in their journeys here so you should find ppl who understand you and what you are going through. Anyhow welcome

Hugs

Cracked

Thanks for the welcome Cracked. I appreciate that. I have been having a hard time lately. I have had several medical problems over the summer and am still getting those fixed so that has not helped the depression. Then two weeks ago my husband got very angry at me as we grocery shopped for a big family birthday party. All the way home in the car, he shouted and yelled at me about how much we had spent and about how this was all a drain on him. Now I don't mean to be braggy but we could very well afford the money we spent. Then he moved onto how he wasn't going to be able to retire because of all this draining on him. We have a big family- 4 grown and married kids with 5 grandkids and his parents live close too so that is a lot of parties. And all the way home he kept saying the same things over and over again louder and louder until I was in tears. He has acted like this before but never this bad. When we got home, I told him I had had enough and he was never going to treat me like that again. We could discuss something calmly but he wasn't going to scream and shout and insult me anymore. The next day he was calm and couldn't understand why I got so upset. He still doesn't get it. Yesterday, 2 weeks later, we were home alone and he started bawling that I have been "shunning" him and that he couldn't take it anymore. So now he thinks it is all my fault for getting upset. What a mess. He thinks when he pulls one of these rages, I should just forgive and forget. Well I can't. It makes my depression worse everytime. Any suggestions? Nandy6

I think it might be worth you making a thread about this as it will be likely more ppl will see it and can give you advice. So yeah i would make a thread in the BP forum about it. In terms of my thoughts it sounds to me like things are difficult between you guys. I am glad you stood up to him tho as he cant treat you like that- it is wrong. I wonder whether he is struggling with your diagnosis and feeling like h cant connect to you about it. Perhaps some openess about it all might help. Either you talking at home to each other or perhaps considering some couples counselling- it might be helpful to have the neutrality which that brings. Maybe also asking him if he has any questions about what is going on for you might be helpful too.

But yeah def make a thread about this

Cracked