What's Your Story?

Othimity22 wrote:I wanted to go home...
...feel like a monster.. and I feel like giving up.

Kasey,

When I was young and in my twenties I played in a band that had become very popular in New York State and the surrounding States. Naturally this gave me the opportunity to meet many young women, but I was always looking for the right one and not just one night. I too would wake up from my dream and find myself in a relationship with a girl that I normally would not be attracted to. I would then break up with that girl and that would hurt her. After a few years had past I looked back and saw the damages that I had done to young ladies that did not deserve to be hurt in this way. The one that was the one that I would have married got away. Not because I would cheat on her, but because my emotions and logic slipped away. Here is how... When she wrote her final letter I was already in a depressed state as a result of my bipolar.I felt that I did not deserver her. However... I loved her I wanted her to be in the arms of a man that was deserving, and that was not me.

Kasey... you are not a monster and there is probably very few of us here that at one point or another hasn't felt like giving up. Our illness plays nasty tricks on us and sends us into trouble. You deserve to love and respect yourself again. It is your God given right. One day, and I know that it's not today, you will come to terms with this and find that you are home.

Jeff

I have had symptoms of bipolar since I was 17, I remember I was delusional and paranoid, I am more on the depressive end of bipolar. I started a blog a while back and there's not much on it yet, but I write about myself on it and I'm trying to put things that are useful on there to I think I have a link to this forum, and I'm planning on putting up links to articles and resources for people who are bipolar. Here's a link to my blog. http://greektitan-manicdepression.blogspot.com/search?q=bipolar

Welcome to the forum greektitan

Cracked

This is the perfect opportunity to introduce myself! My name is Mal. and I was lucky enough to have been diagnosed with bp at 15. From 15-27, I totaled a good number of cars, had a different substance abuse problem every few years, which was an unlucky habit because I lost my virginity to date rape. I would be sexually assaulted two more times on the pills. Once when I was 21, and again when I was 26.

I guess I'm just writing this to express that I've suffered the trials and tribulations of bipolar, and was being improperly medicated with benzos and stimulants at the same time, among maximum doses of quite a few other psych meds. But after reading everyone's story...wow I just have to say I admire your tenacity and motivation to press on. Even waking up in the morning is like pushing a boulder off of your chest, because every day you're asking yourself "how am I going to get through another one of these?"

In some freak twist of fate, I had a number of psychotic breakdowns, where I hallucinated and forgot who my parents were just nonsense, then I'd wake up a week later in the psych ward. After that I started to feel...normal. So pretty much my whole life is guided by the fact that now that I'm capable of taking difficult classes and working at professional jobs, my life will be centered and guided around a promise I made to myself that I would help everyone around me. That's why I'm getting my degree in biomedical engineering- to get into the field of neuroengineering. I want to be part of the attempt to cure mental illness

Hi Mal and welcome. Thank you for sharing your experiences here. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place.

Cracked

Great way to start out here....
I'm a 17 year old female, and as far as I can remember, my life was great until I moved.
I've been bullied since 5th grade (or maybe even before that), when people liked pick on me, and when my crush found out I liked him, he started to trip me while I was running, shove me, and get his group of friends to tease me.
Oh, but that's not it -- I turned out to be a bit of a hassle (I have ADHD so I didn't concentrate very well, I was too talkative, and I ran around too much). I flipped cards a lot, and when my dad saw how 'bad' I was being at school, he began to hit me (this started in 2nd grade). Granted, he didn't hit hard enough to leave bruises or anything, but it still hurt and made me very upset.
I know that elementary school was when I began hurting myself on purpose, because I would excuse myself to the bathroom and start biting and scratching at my skin until it bled, all while crying.
Adults at my school noticed that I started to become very troubled so they placed me into a group of children who have problems of their own, but the woman there treated me like a toddler and I hated it. I never spoke up about what was happening at that group, but I had a teacher whom I loved very much, and one day I begged her not to tell my dad about my behavior or he would hit me, so the school called my parents to a meeting, and while they were talking to my dad my mom yelled at me for telling them that.
Yes, they denied everything....

I was and still am very sensitive, so I carried my pain from 5th grade into middle school, and things got worse. People still picked on me, but now there were 2 people who really messed things up for me -- a boy who loved to insult me at every chance he got, and a girl who would physically bully me by doing things like drag me around by my hair and dig her nails into my wrists until they bled (she also liked to make fun of me as well).
I didn't have anyone to call a friend, either, so I decided to hang around a girl that, at home life, was nice to me, but as school she was a complete jerk -- and even drove other people away from me.
Of course, I hated confrontation and I was nervous, anyways, so I kept quiet about all of this, until once again the school decided to step in and give me a counsler who I really didn't like, because if I didn't go to her office for ONE DAY she would freak out and lecture at me.
My dad? Yeah, he got worse, too. His temper became out of control. And, once in a while, he would go to the bar with his friends.....and this is where the sexual abuse began, because he would always come home drunk and violate me in my 'sleep' -- which I was actually still awake, but I pretended to be asleep.
So, my solution? I would stay up until early in the morning, but I developed insomnia from that, as well as anxiety disorders.

And now, enter junior high.
I was a complete mess. I had no will to live anymore. I had no friends, people still wouldn't leave me alone, I had to deal with my awful home life, and I even began to cut myself at this point. But now, a new problem arose.
A boy, someone who I used to be friends with, started to sexually harass me (I'd rather not write what he said, it was THAT bad). But now, the school did nothing. I lost all hope in the school system when they allowed it to continue.
I grew steadily more angry and frustrated, and unfortunately I took it out at everyone at home, which didn't help my situation at all (I've always had a temper, but now it's worse).
In 9th grade, I started to make friends, but that creepy kid just wouldn't stop and he eventually started to bother my friends, and I felt extremely guilty so I became withdrawn.
Though, in 10th grade (High School), it stopped, thankfully. At the beginning of the year I consulted my counsler about my feelings and how I injured myself, so she got me a therapist.
She diagnosed me with insomnia, anxiety disorders, ADHD, bipolar (I'm more on the depressive side, but I've had episodes where I'm like ADHD on steroids) , depression, and explosive anger....which half of those I already knew about, lol.
My parents were never supportive when it came to my mental disorders, though, and cancelled my therapy after only about a month. *sigh*

Life has gotten a little better, I'm not picked on any more, and I have friends, and I haven't been violated in months, thankfully.
But unfortunately, my life's events have taken their toll. Because of the sexual abuse and harassment, I'm completely disgusted by anything sexual, being around males terrify me, and sometimes I even wish I were the opposite gender.
And it's hard to live with bipolar/depression, the ups and downs tend to leave my family frustrated.

**I apologize if my giant wall of text seems out of place here :S I just decided to put it here because....well...it's a Bipolar Disorder forum and along with my depression, it's my biggest disorder....

Welcome to the forum chromatic and thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

Cracked

I was diagnosed ADHD in the 1960s so that gives you an idea of my age. I was on meds and in counseling till I was 12, and was also experimented on with a couple different meds. One time this led to me freaking out and getting expelled from school. After I was taken of the meds I freaked out and got expelled from school again. Obviously the diagnoses was incorrect, or rather, incomplete. The term “bipolar” didn’t exist officially in psychology until the 1980s, but manic depression did. I had the highs and lows, the paranoia, the delusional and grandiose symptoms – everything on the bipolar criteria, except for the suicidal thoughts or attempts. I got into substance abuse around age 12 right after being taken off meds, and continued until my early 20s when I quit on my own. While certain substances exacerbated the symptoms and behaviors, others calmed me, but the condition had been there long before I ever picked up a joint or got drunk – since I can remember the symptoms were there.
I was bullied as a child as well as suffering PTSD from parents divorce, some abuse, and witnessing a family members death right in front of me when I was 7. We also moved around a lot so I would have a couple friends and then have to move away., never to see them again. Then I didn’t see my Dad at all for 4 years which led to a lot of problems at home. Then my Mom “prepared” me at the tender age of 7 or 8 to go to Vietnam since the war seemed to never end. Thankfully it ended before I turned 18.
That is just some of the symptoms, behaviors and environmental factors.
Just to let you know I am not in counseling and not on meds now, or ever as an adult for bipolar (with some possible schizoaffective), as well as SAD, and OCD.. I have researched on my own and know what it is, had a couple evaluations, but then am always passed along somewhere else, client back ups, etc, and I get paranoid about sharing with too many clinics. I am presently waiting on another new place for an initial evaluation! The only diagnoses I’ve had said possible paranoid and delusional with ADHD and OCD.
I always had “imaginary friends” but some I really don’t think are delusions. Kings and Princesses live in me. They have been there from childhood. The Kings being male were absorbed into my body and brain since I am male, which often gave me an authoritative, controlling and commanding attitude. The Princesses being female were inside me, but remained separate due to gender so were always good friends. They have shown me things I could not know on my own and never learned, shown me future events that came to pass (a few times), taken me into the distant past and shown me things, and even warned me of danger so I could avoid it. That may sound nuts but truth is I research this stuff and find out it is really true!
The Princesses told me to research my family history going way back, and thanks to OCD spent weeks digging. Sure enough, part of my maternal family was descended from Kings that lived 1200 and more years ago. They were not well known, they only ruled small territories maybe as big as a county, but they did have power and riches in their little realm.
From what they have shown me there was a King in ancient times whose daughter had a dream of her kingdom fading into obscurity, which it did in real life between 800 – 900 AD. The King took her to the Magician who cast a spell so that her soul would live on in the bloodline through genetic transference. (This stuff is actually taught in some of the old religions). Her consciousness was to awaken in a kindred soul in the distant future. A bipolar brain predisposed to accepting “delusions” and feeling absolutely normal talking to people inside would be the perfect vessel. Just to let you know, as a child, 6 – 7 years old she was always very mature, maybe 18 – 20 years old, and that’s exactly how she came across. So I was super intelligent, could get As if I wanted but sometimes chose not to, could do the school work in half the time and act out the other half… leading to detention or calls to my Mom for meetings with school staff.
Being bullied I was shy and afraid, except if a girl was in danger. Then its like I would flip a switch in my head and transform into Underdog, the cartoon superhero from the 60s. I would confront any bully who picked on pretty girls who might be princesses themselves. I didn’t have to fight them. I summoned power and fearlessly screamed at the boys, flailing my arms and snarling like a mad dog. It always worked. I was never defeated, never beat up when doing this, and one time I confronted 3 boys by myself and sent them running away scared.
The Princesses never misled me or sent me into danger, - the problems always stemmed from mood swings, or times I didn’t listen to them, or was egged on by peers or other things. There is 1 Princess who has 3 Princesses in her soul from her ancestors, and I get to know all 4 of them.
So, I know the Princess thing sounds delusional, but I don’t believe it is. But the ups and downs, paranoia, other delusions that are most likely delusions, the super energy in summer and fatigue/depression in winter, racing thoughts – these do need to be balanced out.
I am married with kids.

Welcome KnP, thank you for sharing your experiences with us. I hope you find the forum a welcoming place.

Cracked

Hey my name's Gina but most people just call me G. I'll keep this short and sweet as I hate talking about myself but could really use the support since I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I've always felt like I was "off" somehow since about 12 but blamed it on hormones. I'm 22 now and just recently diagnosed as of July. Not really sure on correct terms still but as the paper reads from my doctor I have bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety. Not sure if the last 2 are considered symptoms or conditions all on their own. Still going through trials of finding the right medication. At this point in my life my symptoms are more out of control than ever which is why I finally decided to see a doctor about it. I've never been one for drugs or alcohol but ontop of medicene have been "self medicating" for about the past 6 months. It temporarily makes me feel better but I know I need to start working at it to get my life back on track. There's probably a lot more that I should say but this is all I can think of for now.