What's Your Story?

Well Hello. My name's Sam and I'm 18. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a little over 2 years ago. I noticed weird mood change patterns so I did research online. Then I mentioned it to my mom who's a nurse, and she thought the same thing. So then we went to our family doctor, who again thought the same, so finally we went to a psychiatrist in a big city a few hours away and he gave me the actual diagnosis. I guess after reading everyone else's stories, I feel like I don't have anything new to bring to the table I guess. My parents were in disbelief. My mom was convinced that it was just stress related, but my dad's dad had si ilar issues and his brother committed suicide a few months prior to this diagnosis, and then we learned his other brother also has similar problems, so my mom finally accepted it as true I guess. Like I said, I've had an easy life compared to everyone else here. My siblings might know that I'm bipolar. We haven't really made it a point to tell them. It's kind of taboo. My mom seems to think that I've "lost my disease" or something because I don't tell her anything. I don't tell anyone, that's not really my personality.

Side note, I don't know why, but I tend to have several casual friends, but one close male friend that I trust fully. I don't know why, that's just the way I prefer it. However, since the time I've had bipolar disorder, I've managed to create and subsequently destroy 2 close friendships. So as a result, I don't really have anyone to tell about my up's and down's with my life. Apparently, a side effect of my depression phase is a tendency to be over emotional and over dramatic and I end up saying and doing things I regret. Well, this has been in high school. In a few weeks, I'm headed off to college on the other side of the country and I'm quite anxious. I have this terrible feeling that I won't find a guy to have a close friendshop with, and I'll have to spend all 4 of my college years living with all these problems building up inside.

And it doesn't help that I can't take meds. The psychiatrist told me that at my age, there isn't enough information to accurately prescribe the right medicines, so I'm kind of stuck. And he also said that it's too early to tell what kind of bipolar disorder I have. I'm ot exactly sure the differences between the types, but I feel like it changes very quickly. This morning, I was in a great mood, then I was super irritable, and then tonight I got super depressed.

Anyways, so I realize that I could have it alot worse, but when I'm depressed like I am now, I feel like it couldn't be much worse. All I want is a best friend who I can just spill everything with, but I don't think I'll find one. So, anyways, that's my sob story. And thanks to everyone who's already shared. It's comforting knowing that there are people who've dealt with far worse for far longer.

Welcome to the forum Sam and everyone else who I have accidently missed out!

Cracked

Hi all, after reading this I feel my background is somewhat... well, to be frank, lame, but I suppose I'll share it anyhow.
I'll start off by saying that as of yet I haven't been diagnosed with anything... but I've never really seen anyone about anything either. So far my Grandmother has recently been diagnosed with Schizophrenia, and my mother with Depression,so in some ways I feel like it's only a matter of time (shortly following their diagnosis' I felt compelled to buy "Depression for Dummies" and "Bipolar Disorder for Dummies", the latter which I felt very accurately described my current personality) .

Most people would say that I'm about as normal as I come, but anyone who's had more than one really deep conversation with me knows otherwise. For a week or so, I'll go on and on about how amazing and wonderful life is and how beautiful the world is to me and what a great place it is to be... and then perhaps a few weeks later I'll be desperately upset about what a terrible place the world has come to be, and how corrupt and horrible people are, and feel that humanity is doomed to spiral downwards to our demise.

A while back, in HighSchool, both of these would have been much more severe and much more personal (i.e. "I have to be the most terrible person on the face of the planet;" or "I'm just better than everyone at everything, it's so great to be me!")

Many of my "manic" and "depressive" episodes I can directly correlate to my parental situation. My parents were two people who should never have been married, and, if naught for I, probably never would have been. Anywho, growing up was a struggle because my mom (still young herself, at 17 at my time of birth) felt she was growing up WITH me and felt the need to be my best friend. In this, she confided in me many things that a child should never have to hear. At times I was her perfect little Angel. At others, I was a "Horrible, selfish little..." A mistake that should have never happened." This, coupled with horrible bullying from peers at school (I'm the only person I know who's ever ACTUALLY gotten a "Swirly"), triggered horrible bouts with depression.

I came very, very close to suicide several times, though when thinking of my siblings, I just couldn't bring myself to even try. So I just grit my teeth and endured.

Once High School was over, things got much worse. I moved out on my own at 18 with a friend from Brooklyn, my parents divorced, and over a year drank enough to kill a horse and did just about any and every drug I could get my hands on. My roomate had me convinced he was involved in gang activity, and convinced me many times that because of him, my life was in danger. Really, he just liked playing with my head.

Then, I met my closest friend ever, a Buddhist, who taught me meditation. Soon after, a deep spiritual "trip" led me to learn to appreciate the beauty of life. Since then, I've read several books on a varity of psych topics (including probably the most helpful on Emotional Intelligence), and have found it much easier to be open and talk to people about my issues, and in doing so have learned to better balance my moods.

Occasionally still, I have episodes that I would classify as "manic" and "depressive", though the duration and frequency has substantially decreased.

Sorry if it's a little heavy reading, but it's not often that I'm able to fully open up and put my whole story in one place without being side-tracked and led to different topics. Thanks to anyone who's had the patience to just read through it.

Welcome to the forum Miraculous and thank you for sharing your experiences with us.

Cracked

Hi,
I'm not in the mood to go over my past right now, but I did want to say that I've read your posts and really appreciated everyone's honesty and courage... there is so much benefit in sharing... sorry I'm not in the mood to reciprocate atm, but just wanted to thank you

You are welcome hon. You dont have to post anything you dont want to and you dont have to post here at all if you dont want to.

Hugs

Cracked

im 26, i was diagnosed when i was 14 with bipolar and then after a bad depression and getting put in the hospital they also diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder on to of the BPs.
when i was about 7 or 8 i started hearing thing and back then i thought it was fairies (which is probably why i am obsessed with them among other things) i would tell my parents and they thought i just had an over active imagination but looking back i know that is not true. i started have depression and manic episodes when i was about 11, and again my parents just ignored it. in junior high i started cutting and i cut till i was 16 (when i met my now husband) my parents never noticed i had a problem i hid my self mutilation very well. when i was 16 my mom was diagnosed with bipolar and thats when my parents decided i also may need help (my moms adopted we know her maternal side but they wont tell us who her father is) after they found out that all the woman in my moms family have psych issues as well. i was treated and medicated until i was 18 and my grandma died. i was so heavily medicated i couldnt cry so i stopped all my meds and went through major withdrawals but i was determined to not be on any meds any more. and i did live free of the meds until july 2008. i lost my mind the voices were back louder than ever i was an emotional roller-coaster, my anger was out of control, i was paranoid, my anxiety was crazy and with the help of my now husband i went and got help and new meds. everything seemed to be leveling out except my husband and i were constantly fighting with my best friend/room mate. this is were they figured out i had borderline personality disorder. i hate fighting i dont like drama and everyone has to like me. i cant stand when i feel like some one is mad at me my anxiety goes crazy and i get super obsessive over people almost stalker status. but im also one of the nicest people you will ever meet i bend over backwards so people will like me its kinda crazy and drives my parents and husband bonkers because people love to use me abuse me and throw me to the curb. any ways we got in a fight and i started cutting again. i was in the hospital for like 5 days got let out with a whole knew diagnosis on top of my bipolar and a whole new med selection. most of those meds didnt work it was quite a few months before we found out a good working combination. and through all this the man of my dreams my bestest friend ever who i met at 16 stuck by me. i ended up in an intensive out patient program august 2008 because of a relapse and because of that i lost my job and insurance. i was in big trouble no more meds no help i was screwed... But my husband decided we would push up our wedding two years and we got married 3 weeks later. that was the best day of my life. everything was going ok up untill about 3 months ago voices havent come back but everything else has. so here i am looking for others to talk with that understand because even though i have an awesome support group of husband and friends, i cant seem to talk to them about it because i fear of loosing them because even though they know im crazy im scared they dont realize how crazy i am. so thats my story

Welcome to the forum pixie.

Cracked

Hey guys I'm 32 and just recently dx Bipolar. It's been a long road. I won't indulge early childhood trauma but wanna focus more on the path to my Bipolar Dx.

First hospitalization was at 16. Dx major depression with psychotic features, though I reported racing thoughts, irritability, and had clear paranoia (several Dr's confirmed this). Hypomania was spoken, but no "mixed state" I don't no why. Rule out dx were Borderline, Bipolar, Schizoaffective, Schizoid. They didn't know what to do with me and just kind of threw the kitchen sink at me laughing. Also reported depersonalization/derealization. Was cutting. Put on zoloft and risperadol

Second hospitalization was less than a year later at 17, impulsiveness, restlessness, risky behavior (what teenager doesn't have these issues lol). Not taking meds consistently. Notice no mood stabilizer.

Third hospitalization was 4 months after, still 17. No new diagnosis, but impulsiveness, lack of sleep, risky bahaviour, racing thoughts, mood swings, aggression, hostility had increased. Was throwing things. Suicidal thoughts for 4 days led to an attempt. Put on lithium then depakote. Stabilized after 4 months.

No meds a year later. Lots of therapy. Left for college. relatively stable for many years. OccasionalmMild hypomania due to working too late that irritated other people but not a big issue. Intensely productive and ambitious for years.

Entered therapy for anxiety at age 29. Dx with PTSD, though is more the C-PTSD variety and my therapist has ego issues with that specific Dx. Tried 2 years of coping with CBT alone. Did pretty well but wanted to give meds a try, so was put on effexor for my anxiety. Dose started out at 32 and after 6 months was increased to 115. My anxiety completely disappeared! But hypomania also increased with each upped dosage.

Felt up, happy, sociable, creative, productive for a few months. The symptoms that I didnt understand as hypo appeared: risky hyper-sexuality and risky sexuality, occasional bouts of rage. Trouble sleeping.

After 3 months on the highest dose of effexor I had the poorest quality of sleep I've ever experienced. I had racing thoughts, constant distraction, lack of energy one moment too much the next, apathy, extreme impulsiveness, spent thousands and thousands of $, cheated on my partner, put myself in dangerous situations, constant road rage, violent/homicidal thoughts, actual violence, alcohol abuse, was assaulted during a blackout, hostility/anger/combativeness, irrational thinking, etc. It seemed my fundamental personality had changed.

Went to my Pdoc and essentially said what the he** is going on with me? Why is my life so out of control? She handed me a prescription for Lamictal right away. Said nothing about bipolar because my therapist had dx me with PTSD and that was that. My Pdoc actually told me later that she didn't want to say the word bipolar to me because she was afraid I would reject the medication (I had done this initially with the effexor). So I feel like my therapist dropped the ball due to overconfidence, even though i reported all along that I was having severe issues, and she has no authority to actually dx someone. She just thought I was an alcoholic. Have been sober for 4 months no desire to touch it. My Pdoc says I've been going through a mixed state. Finally feels right.

After a year of going up then coming down, I'm happy to be stabilizing.

Welcome to the forum Son.

Cracked