What's Your Story?

Here is a place you can say something about yourself to introduce yourself to the group. If you want replies please start a separate thread. Thanks.

Cracked

Hi, I am Cracked, I am 31 with BP1 and psychosis. If you post here I will be listening.

Cracked

Psh. Lonely, Cracked? You just introduced yourself. I see no story.

Anyways - Here's mine. I'll try to make it brief although its been quite a few years that I've been dealing with f-ked up moods.

It started with depressive episodes in 8th grade of Middle School. I chalked it up to my Selective Mutism at the time & the fact that I felt rejected by my peers. (I was molested while having pressured speech, that's why I was mute). So, obviously, I didn't connect any sort of dots at the time. Plus, I wouldn't know what Bipolar Disorder was until about 18-19 years of age when I started studying Psychology.

I experienced a year-long psychotic break in 9th-10th grade where I became irrationally paranoid. I'd have nightmares & very mild hallucinations. It was absolutely dreadful. I had no idea that what I believed was false. I believed my paranoia to be justified. I don't remember but I think it occurred during a depressive episode.

I always experienced hypomania during my years of high school but I never knew what it was. I always thought I would just be bursts of "hyperness". I would get deep, severe depressions, however.

Then - in my first year of college, last year, I attempted suicide while in a mixed state. I had no idea I was Bipolar back then. I was misdiagnosed as Borderline PD. I planned my suicide with a smile on my face the night before. Then, when the day finally came, my brain was flooded with racing thoughts of a depressive nature & I couldn't do anything. I was literally going insane. So I attempted to take my pills & overdose. I ended up in the hospital. I had a hypomanic episode after the mixed state while I was in there. The psychiatrist wanted to diagnose me with Bipolar Disorder but she wasn't sure, so it was Mood Disorder NOS.

I suffered depressive episodes in between the time between my hospitalizations. I was hospitalized again, after many depressive episodes & hypomania's this year (I'm a rapid-cycler). I was hospitalized around four weeks ago in the inpatient unit for severe mania where I was a danger to myself & others. The manic anger was overwhelming along with the racing thoughts where my brain turned to mush. They had to sedate me fast. In which they did. They upped my mood-stabilizer & anti-psychotic about three times in the course of three days.

Finally - my psychiatrist there diagnosed me as Bipolar along with the psychiatrist I saw in the outpatient unit, where he assessed me even more thoroughly. It finally felt right. I finally found the diagnosis that fit me & my symptoms.

I knew I wasn't Borderline. I was Bipolar.

Thanks for reading.

OK EGD, I am Cracked and I am a Dr tho not working atm - it is weird how i use that to define myself.

I was sexually abused and tortured as a child in Africa and began SH at about 5. I have had MH problems of one sort or another since. My Dad died when I was 8 and I went to boarding school when I was 9. I started taking overdoses then but never told anyone. Looking back I had highs and lows from about the age of 13 and developed an ED when I was 14. I had my first real high at 16 but it was not recognised. My school dealt terribly with my MH problems and I received no help other than a bollocking and teling my Mum who was useless.

At uni I was a mess, too much weed and booze and all over the place with my mood. I was in a physically and sexually abusive relationship. When this broke up I started falling apart. My GP began to suspect I was BP but I was in denial. I attempted suicide several times including stealing drugs from work and instruments to cut myself. I continued to have mannic and depressive episodes and despite my strong FH I still did not believe my GP.

Following a prolonged admission for a suicide attempt I was formally diagnosed as BP1 in 2008 by my current psych.

I am currently under the GMC (our registering body) and waiting until I am allowed to go back to work. Although it is unlikely to be for a while.

So that is me - I am sure I have forgotten something!

Cracked

Wow Cracked - that is sure quite the story. I'm so sorry that so much negative things have happened to you. I hope the future is better for you however. You deserve to be happy because you are a wonderful person.

I never knew you were a doctor! Wow. Holy tea...

My background with abuse seems so mild compared to you, along with my journey with Bipolar. I guess I should be grateful that it isn't that bad (yet).

Hi, my name is Ricky and I'm a 21 year old with bipolar 1 disorder and psychosis, obsessive compulsive, and borderline traits.

For as long as I can remember I've had depressive episodes. When I was 7 I thought of jumping off a dam, when I was 8 I thought of jumping out of my psychiatrists window downtown and I cut myself to make it stop. I was only diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 though.
My mom used to abuse me, yell at me and hit me and call me names, tell me I was an accident. Later on I realized it was the alcohol and her own bipolar disorder talking. My dad wasn't really there at the begining, always working to provide for us. He is an awesome dad though and was always selfless when it came to the needs of me and my sister.
When I was 17 I had a psychotic episode and ended up in the hospital where I was diagnosed with psychotic disorder. At this point in time I had been drinking and doing cocaine, weed, ecstasy, acid, mushrooms, etc. I wanted the bad hallucinations to stop but to keep the feeling I now know as mania to keep going. I ended up trying to kill myself with the meds I was given, and then tried again pretty much right after the hospital let me out.

I ended up getting diagnosed with borderline personality but then changed to bipolar 1 disorder. Now I'm on medication and I'm trying to stay clean!

Hi everyone,

I've gone by "tex" or various homophones for years online, because I grew up in Texas. I'm 31 years old, living in New England in the US.

I've a family history of mental illness (including Bipolar Type I and suicide) and there was abuse in my childhood (not nearly as bad as some, I'm fortunate that it was rarely physical and never sexual). As a result I kind of got the double-whammy: My dad gave me dodgy genes and my stepfather planted some bad seeds about self-esteem and such.

I was never diagnosed before my first big manic episode, but I'm pretty sure I've had depressive and manic periods for many years. For a long time I struggled with depression, before seeking counselling and finally deciding to try medication.

I'll be clinical for a little bit. Though I told them about my smallish manic episodes (not in that language; I didn't yet know what a manic episode was), they decided I had a Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified rather than Bipolar Type 2, and so I started taking Zoloft. This was unfortunate, because apparently selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors are dangerous for people with a significant risk for mania, though I guess it's safe if you're also on a mood stabilizer like I am now. Also for some reason my psychiatrist thinks Lexapro is better than Zoloft for Bipolar people even though they're both SSRIs; dunno why.

So I'm pretty sure I'd win an award for Most Obvious Mental Health Diagnosis Ever, because my situation was pretty much textbook: I was stressed out in my job and life in general, I was at the tail end of adolescence, too much serotonin was floating around in my head, my stepfather abused me, my father was Bipolar Type I, and his father killed himself. I came in to the emergency department after a few days of feeling like I'd achieved Buddhist enlightenment, like I could do anything, and I had so much energy it was "coming out the seams." By the time I got to the hospital I was having what my psychiatrist would later say are "psychotic elements." In the interest of preserving the peace (my own and other folks') I'll refrain from sharing the details.

The next 2.5 years until today have been hard, the hardest period in my whole life. I lost the best girl I ever got, had to move out of the apartment we shared, and I lost my job. I haven't been able to replace the girl or the job, and the new apartment is . . . well, it's in a bad neighborhood to save money, let's put it that way. The emotional toll has been the hardest. At first I thought the worst of it was over after two or three days, but I was a wreck for months and months afterwards, and I'm still not entirely put back together yet. I still lose entire weeks to depression, or what I guess are small manic periods, or mixed states, or something. I'm still figuring everything out.

In a lot of ways I'm a lot more fortunate than others, though: My psychiatrist is believed to be really good, by chance I've had enough money to survive comfortably without a job, and my mom is nearby and very supportive.

Recently I decided to be more proactive. I started a notebook, and decided to join a community. So, here I am.

That is quite the story, Tex. Welcome to the forum.

I havent been on here in forever, but I am attempting to avoid laundry. I was diagnosed bp II a little more than a yr ago, although I had my first depressive episode at 17 and was an extremely emotional child. Around the time of my depressive episode I had an ex boyfriend murdered, my grandfather die,bullied at school, and my boyfriend at the time was emotionally and sexually abusive. My mom was having serious anxiety issues and trouble with my brother and my dad is just my dad, not set up for serious issues, so I had n one to turn to and turned to self injury instead- not cutting or burning-yet, but pretty much most other things. On top of it I was getting ready for college. My friends didnt want much to do with me when I was depressed either. I came out of it at the end of the school year, though. I dont recall my first hypo episode. Maybe it was when I decided that having a kid with my now hubby at 18 was a brilliant idea. haha. However, after that son I had PPOCD and it scared me to death. PPD after both my other two, to varying degrees. It lasted the least after my daughter and both were mild.

I know for years I have had massive rage issues and knew something was wrong. I was too scared to see what, though. It would come and go and I would feel what I called bad energy running through my veins. Anyhow, I finally got to the dr after my hubby and I were about to split due to an affair that I had and I went rather out of my mind during a depression and couldnt think in an actual coherent matter at times. My husband told the counselor we went to see how much of a roller coaster it was with me and she got me a psych appt. He tried to say depression at first, but I knew it was more. I had researched BP and it fit, fit way more than depression because I would always pop in and out of that.

Still to this day, despite being BP II, I lean dysphoric hypomanic. My meds seem to control a lot of the depression (lithium and lamotrigine) but much less of the hypomania. Im a PITA when it comes to meds though and my doc knows I will not take some meds and if I feel there are too many side effects i wont take that high of a dose either. At one point I felt pretty stable and I HATED it. It was boring. I would rather it be decently controlled than completely controlled if thats how completely feels. I wasnt numb, just bored to death.

Hi! I'm Madeline...Maddy, or Mad for short. Maddog Maddy according to my college friends in the theatre dept I'm 26 and a typical midwestern girl.

I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I (w/ rapid cycling, psychosis) back in October of 2010. But, I'll go back a little farther, as I believe I can pin point when all of this really started.

My mother suffers from anxiety and depression. My father suffered alcohol-induced depression. Both parents are alcoholics (dad is sober, mom is not). My uncle (mom's side) was schizophrenic, though I didn't learn this until recently. There were I think three suicides on my dad's side of the family, though these all occurred when my dad was young.
I developed depression around 13 years old. Anxiety at 21, and the depression got considerably worse in the form of PPD after my oldest was born.

By 2009 when my twins were born, I was very stable and hadn't been on meds for a long time. My husband (now ex) and I had a horrible relationship. (I found out some months ago he's NPD) I worked two jobs, he couldn't hold one more than a few months. He was no father, wouldn't even qualify as a decent babysitter to his own children. I took care of everything with the kids, and with the house. (he also physically abused my oldest son) He and I fought a LOT, physically. I began sleepwalking nightly. I began eating, talking, even having sex in my sleep. I was having severe emotional breakdowns on a normal basis. I would vomit every evening on my way home from work from anxiety over having to see him. I began abusing xanax again (I also did this around 22 y/o). Right before we separated I took myself to the nearest psych ward, about an hour from home. After many visits with psychiatrists and neurologists, they put me on different meds but determined I was just "too stressed, and needed a break". I returned home that evening. I began losing blocks of time, where I apparently still took care of the children, but I was completely checked out mentally.

The ex and I separated in late Jan 2010. Removing that huge stressor from my life did wonders for me. About mid summer, my moods began to go a little haywire, though it wasn't out of control. Just enough for me to notice. My close friend at work also noticed, and tried to get me to get help. We have a few mutual friends, one is a therapist, the other a psychiatrist. They offered their services at no cost to me. I knew by then what was wrong with me, and I blatantly refused to admit it. The cycling continued to get worse. I blew money shopping, was getting new tattoos every chance I could. I was skipping class, and taking vacations at work without my bosses approval. Soon, my rapid cycling would give way to horrible mixed episodes every night when the sun went down. The paranoia was out of control. I saw faces in my windows. I was terrified of the dark. I heard voices. I was afraid to sleep. After some time of this, I was seen by a psychiatrist and psychologist (in separate practices) in one day on emergency care. Thankfully, I was able to avoid hospitalization. I was diagnosed at Bipolar I with rapid cycling and psychotic episodes.

I was on and off meds a few different times over the next several months. After being off meds for quite some time, I realized a change. My moods had calmed considerably, though I still did cycle some. But even in normal states, I was hallucinating all the time. The paranoia would come and go. I finally saw another dr, who diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder. I suffered moderate depersonalization for some time, though that has passed.

I've been on meds now for several months, and I'm finally level. I still hallucinate, but I don't mind that. It feels normal to me. My moods are in check, and that's the important part.

Soooo....there you have it