all in my head

hey, i was thinking im very hypocondriac about my illness, but i know i hav it cuz i was definitely delusional, and remember points where i was depressed/manic - but im used to masking it with drugs, which ive stopped (well i got alcohol now)...

wondering how much of mania/depression is in your head, how much is real? sometimse i feel completely distracted of everything, but the more i think bout being manic the more i bounce back to stability, or else i start actually just feeling depressed cuz i feel incompetent... back and forth, to the point i dont think its always real, just me worrying over a problem not tooo serious - i mean it never bothered me until i realized i could become completely delusional, now its like every little thing means something

hope yall understand what im gettin at..

-matt

Hi Matt,

This could be confusing.... delusional is a big word to use with bipolar, it would be an extreme case IMO to have delusions and not realize that you have mania.

What are the degree of your moods, meaning do they last days, hours, weeks, minutes??

Have you ever spoken to a doc about this??

Been on bipolar meds, or Antidepressants?? Anxiety meds and did they work? or make it worse??

these and other questions must be explored here and with a qualified pdoc to evaluate the situation.

I hope to help. please write back if you feel like it.

ddee, 7

no meds yet, no real diagnosis. last year i thought i was goin crazy (a la beautiful mind) cuz my ideas were ....too genius. i quit. this year i did it again, but let my work control me, believing i found life's answer for everything.
the final day i was bawling, so sad that id realized how crazy i had become and how foollish i was over a girl id persistently confronted.. i then suddenly became paranoid thinking i was going to marry her n everyone knew bout it and i didnt find my senses until my roomate started yelling at me for being so foolish. i dont think im schizophrenic, but i was working progressively for 1-2 months 'fore the 2 weeks i thought i was both manipulating reality and chasing a girl id already given up on. during the time i was mostly delusional i think until i started realizing what i had been doing and that drove me into deep deep depression bout myself and this girl, even while i was still suffering delusions - it was like an on/off switch. realistic in the morning, then crazier and crazier each day. everyone tells me im bipolar, i dont think so. the idea was building inside of me for too long and i didnt feel right for at least several weeks afterwards.

anyways, im mostly worried about the hypomania/depression for now, at least till next spring!...

i just feel now as if i could be happy, sad, energetic, tired, anything and be only feeling temporal symptoms. i hav to admit im pretty indecisive about my moods cuz i always find something to attach them to. i could say im depressed but ill start finding ways to define me as manic... perhaps i am neither, i worry that i may go crazy again since it supposedly can take weeks, months to relapse.
i guess id say my problem lately is that i am always doing something but never what i originally set out to do.

the one doctor ive talked to (i came in declaring myself schizophrenic) told me i was probably bipolar, mostly depressed with some mania... i dont think he believed my artwork was related much. however my mind was in another 'place' to me, i know because its happened twice now and i just think differently. things r too obvious but, ive learned, incorrect.

i am worried that ideas will come to me the same way as john nash, and perhaps next time it wont be about my work itll be about something entirely different and i wont hav a clue!

WEll, Matt, you are a very sensitive and creative person I can see that, and I mean that in the most sincere way/ a compliment.

It sounds like you are definetly a little anxiety driven. As you do worry about this alot, and that can motivate you to find the answer, but don't let it make you sick.

Bipolar is pretty much Up and down. Creative and rapid thinking and talking. I put the criteria in a sticky in this forum(bipolar forum) topic: bipolar diagnosis features dsm IV.
http://www.psychforums.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=7064

I am giving you a link to a mood chart that you can print
http://www.psychforums.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=6990

if you have a printer, if you don't have printer, please journal your moods, I number mine here with a scale of 1-10, 5 or below is in the depressed range, 6 hypo, 7-9 manic, 10 psychosis, but keep in mind my scale is based on bipolar 1(mostly manic).

I am also giving you a link to a self test, but don't replace this for a professional psychological assessment. please.
http://www.slshealth.com/selftest.cfm?Catid=18

I hope this helps matt,
ddee, 8

thankyou ddee, i need to try the mood chart - everyone keeps recommending it on these boards! gr i hav been doin journal entries, exercise, layin off caffeine n stuff.. i think, i think i know i should see a doctor but i dont really care now - i guess till i go crazy again. not good, but im mostly worried ill get worse. i can deal w/my symptoms so far!....? ::denial denial denial:: good thing my parents still want me to see one, im just not pushin the issue.

i really appreciate your concern. i dont talk bout this stuff much in person as ive upset my family enough - feedback i get online is gratiously recieved!

-matt

Matt,

I don't think you are in denial, but as long as you have doc on hand, cuz many of us don't go til we feel the need, so if you do have a journal and the mood chart to take when you do go, that will help.

Many make the mistake of going in crisis and get misdiagnosed with the mood they are in at the time, usually depression, that is what is not good. So keep up the good work, and take care of yourself and check in with us, we care. and I'm here most every day if you need to talk , K?

always, ddee, 8