NEED ADVICE PLEASE, NEW TO THIS

Hi, this post may be long so I apologize ahead of time.

I have been with my girlfriend for 1 1/2 years. When we first got together, she mentioned to me that she had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She has not taken any medication since we have been together except for a few times when she was completely stressed out. I was stupid and didn't do much research on the illness and pretty much assumed that she would be depressed every once in a while and that it would be noticable and that we could just "get through it". She mentioned to me that her ex- had always wanted her to be "drugged up". That is the last thing I would ever want to do to her, but the more I read on this subject, the more I realize that she needs to start some kind of prescription medication. The last three weeks of our lives have been hell. It seemed out of the blue one day that she basically wanted to walk out on our relationship. I was totally oblivious that there were any problems. We both work full time and are working on our master's degrees, so we are already both stressed at home. We live in a cramped apartment that can get messy. I didn't realize that I was causing so many triggers to go off. I knew she wasn't happy but she had surgery in January and has been on medicine from it. I thought those drugs are what was bringing her down. We have had sex one time this year and that was only on me (we are lesbians). She has no sex drive, doesn't even seem to want me to hug or kiss her. I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. She keeps telling me that I am not the problem and that I am doing nothing wrong. She tells me I deserve better. She tells me that she could get up one day and leave and never come back. This scares me because I travel about 50-60% of the time for my job. I have been out of town since last Wednesday and talking to her on the phone is hard. I want so bad to get things working out and she doesn't want to talk about it. Well, yesterday I went to the bookstore and bought "Loving someone with bipolar disorder: Understanding and helping your partner". I cried while reading half of it because I felt the author knew me and my girlfriend personally. I had no idea that my girlfriend has been in a depressed state for so long and it hurts me to know that I have caused her a lot of pain and suffering when I was only trying to help. But reading the book and doing the exercises have made me feel 1000% better and more confident for when I get home this week. I just talked to my girlfriend a few minutes ago and she said something that has just floored me. I told her that I had been doing a lot of reading and research while out of town and that I knew things were going to get better between us, that I was ready to start working on it, and I hoped that she was. She said "What are you talking about?" I said it was about bipolar. She said "I don't have bipolar." Just like that, she has now denied it. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I feel like if I confront her when I get home about us going to get her some help, she will explode and leave. I know she needs help. Some real quick background on her to help: she has had a very hard life to come up in which I think hurts her everyday, she was molested by a family member up until age 18, she just survived a cancer scare in January, my family has been falling apart physically this year (my dad had quad-bypass and grandfather died 8 days later, grandma broke shoulder 4 months later), her mom is not very stable and I wonder if she has bipolar too, and her grandmother could die any day. We have also been looking at a house which is now kind of scary to think about but I know we need more space for her to live in. And the big one, I asked her about getting married, and this was three weeks ago when everything came out. I mean, I really had no idea she was so ill. She tends to hide stuff from me to keep from hurting me, but it is just as bad. I want to help her, I want to stay by her side the rest of her life, I am prepared to ride the "rollercoaster" because she is the true love of my life. But I don't know how in the world to get her to go get some help, because she says that psychologists/psychiatrists/doctors don't help her and neither did medicine before.

mmm im very bipolar, perhaps i hav a few suggestions just from how my relationships w/girls hav gone: i want what i cant hav. who doesnt. but as soon as i get something, i get bored of it, lose interest, and start looking elsewhere. all my gfs were just way too nice/easy to me!
i often avoid confrontation or discussions about my emotions, simply cuz i dont feel i should bother other people. when im depressed, i know theres no good reason so i just pretend im allright and avoid contact w/anyone who notices. i feel as if the tragedy of living weighs me down.

i dont recommend beginning help b/w you two by telling her she has a problem and that you're going to learn to work around it. you'll just sound like a doctor who believes she doesnt hav correct emotions and can understand her pain just from a label. doctors may be right, but they're only useful once a person is ready and willing on their own to admit they need one. the best thing you can do is to listen! be open to her opinions and stand your ground against irrational behavior. its important imho for bipolars to hav someone they trust, relate with, and _respect_. get her to open up, externalize her internal suffering; it will lessen the burden and perhaps give her a sense of control... note: sometimes it is easier for me to "complain" when i see other people complaining. im then usually the first to turn around and get everyone back on track!

PS. thanku for wanting to be with her and not give up - err i hav lossed girlfriends for stupid reasons, or lack thereof and i hope ur gf doesnt make my mistake.

Hi. How are you?

I completely understand your feelings right now. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and at first when he told me he was bipolar i didnt think much of it. He has also said to be that he could disappear without a trace and almost ended our relationship even though i didnt even know anything was wrong.

We dont live together and its only been recently (after staying with him for a week) that i seen the severety of his illness. It was quite overwhelming. He also doesnt tell me things because he dont want me to get hurt or rather keep it inside sayin "I will never tell anyone. No one will know thing" or "No one will understand"


I also bought the book you mentioned Loving someone with bipolar disorder as few months ago. But i stopped looking at it when things started to look up. and also because i was and still am scared to confront him about the whole situation. i dont know if your having the same questions in your head. like What should I say? and What if they take it the wrong way?
I would be really awesome if you kept in touch with me. I tried to register before posting this reply but there was some kind of error. If you would just reply. I also have Aim (walkinconfusion). My email is walkin.confusion@gmail.com. Tell me how things go with your girlfirend.

I hope things work out well for you and your girlfriend. Best of luck.

Hi. How are you?

I completely understand your feelings right now. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and at first when he told me he was bipolar i didnt think much of it. He has also said to be that he could disappear without a trace and almost ended our relationship even though i didnt even know anything was wrong.

We dont live together and its only been recently (after staying with him for a week) that i seen the severety of his illness. It was quite overwhelming. He also doesnt tell me things because he dont want me to get hurt or rather keep it inside sayin "I will never tell anyone. No one will know thing" or "No one will understand"


I also bought the book you mentioned Loving someone with bipolar disorder as few months ago. But i stopped looking at it when things started to look up. and also because i was and still am scared to confront him about the whole situation. i dont know if your having the same questions in your head. like What should I say? and What if they take it the wrong way?
I would be really awesome if you kept in touch with me. I tried to register before posting this reply but there was some kind of error. If you would just reply. I also have Aim (walkinconfusion). My email is walkin.confusion@gmail.com. Tell me how things go with your girlfirend.

I hope things work out well for you and your girlfriend. Best of luck.

I am so distraught. I came home from my trip to NC and tried to talk to her about getting our relationship back on track. She doesn't want to get help from a doctor or counselor. She says she has talked all she is going to talk to anyone about it. She refuses medication which I don't blame her cause she is a zombie when on them. I have never wanted her on medication unless she felt it was going to help her. All I have ever wanted is her to get better. She reminded me that she will never get better, that it will always be there. I know that, and I have made every plan of my life to be with her until death took us away from one another. Now she has given up and I am left thinking what I could have done better. I feel so helpless and useless and I am so sorry that I didn't realize the severity of everything. She made the point that she had been trying to reach me for months with signals and I honestly did not see them until I read the book. I hate myself at this point for being so ignorant of her cries. She still wants us to be friends and we live together and only have one bed. This is going to be extremely hard for me because I do consider her to be my best friend. But everytime I look at her, I see someone who I still consider to be my future wife. I am so stuck and I guess the only thing that is going to help move this forward is time. I am willing to wait my entire life for her because I have already made a vow to God that I would do so last year. She is the most special thing in this world and I would be devestated if she can't ever come back to me. I love her. It's a true love that she has never experienced and I am afraid that it has scared her away. She has never had someone give her comfort and love and joy and security. I can only hope that she can pull out of this depression and see that I am truly here for her and want to be for the rest of our lives.

Thank you all for writing me back with advice. I have felt so alone and this forum is helping me. I don't have enough money to go see a counselor about this and feel that I may get better answers from people who see this daily. God bless you all and keep in touch.

u are very generous to this girl - i am sorry she makes u suffer, perhaps she will find love one day - i thoroughly regret the love i lost when i neglected her in my depression. u are doing all u can and she cannot ask for more; i can say u may certainly find better.

as a bipolar, i think many of us hate ourselves internally - we suffer needlessly over trivial problems, and are locked in emotional turmoil. perhaps it can be said of anyone, but i guess we feel emotions heavier and more often. when i get close to someone like that i feel as if im dragging them down; it's part selfish narcisissm but part love that i push them away.

im just sorry we cant help or talk to your gf - i may understand where she comes from. i want to be loved but feel i cannot love back. i think it is my own love/hate relationship with myself i constantly get caught up with. i need to find someone who believes in me but is not satisifed with my present state. someone who doesnt put up with my #######4 but wants to hang around, and give me space as well!

Hi, I guess I just needed to talk and give an update on my situation. My gf (well we are supposed to be broken up but I don't feel that way) is moving out next weekend. She needs space. I am having a hard time comprehending it but I want to do whatever she feels is best for her. I am going to miss her like crazy. I don't want her to go. I am going to be miserable. She is my best friend, my angel. She is only moving 10 minutes down the road but I am going to miss simple things like waking up each morning to see her leave for work, brushing her hair when she sleeps, just being in the same room with her. I smile when I see her or hear her voice. I know that my sadness is probably only 1/1000th of the sadness she is feeling right now in her depression. She told me the other day all she thinks about is dying. I know she wouldn't do the suicide thing cause she said she doesn't have the guts. I know that she wants to live because if she didn't, she wouldn't be getting up every day and going to work and school. She still refuses to think there is something the she (or we) can do to help her out, she thinks it is hopeless, that she has to go through life feeling like crap all the time. I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on alternative therapies? My gf will not take medication as she feels worse on it. She says she has talked all she is going to with counselors/doctors. I am trying to find other ways to get her help, but can't seem to find anything that looks remotely positive for her to get into. I appreciate you all listening to me complain and thank you for any advice. God Bless.

im very sorry u r goin thru this. i hav friends who say they are depressed too, and i know when i was depressed it was all about self-loathing. i dont know how to help them. when depressed, u want people to know how sad u are but dont want any help with it becuz it really feels foolish.. in the end u give up and feel best alone, feeling sorry for yourself. eventually i find ways to do good things for myself and come out of it, but only when i decide to face things i fear or distress about.
she is using ur concern for attention, but suicides (IMHO) are people who need attention and dont feel anyone cares; i thank u for still offering affection.

anyways, i dont know what to say. but im here listening and i feel for you. give her time, space... challenge her notions but show her hope!
again, i think the person i want is someone confident, constant and strongly set in their beliefs, but wants me to find my own: the straight line to balance a bent zig-zaggy line

I was wondering if anyone has any ideas on alternative therapies? My gf will not take medication as she feels worse on it. She says she has talked all she is going to with counselors/doctors. I am trying to find other ways to get her help, but can't seem to find anything that looks remotely positive for her to get into. I appreciate you all listening to me complain and thank you for any advice. God Bless.

I deal with depession and social anxiety with various alternative means. I use a form of cognitive therapy that I learned in Recovery, Inc. I also get help through exercise and writing in a journal everyday. I have written a lot about how I deal with things on my website. I do pretty well and have been off meds for many years.
Good Luck,
Jim S

I use meditation, it works pretty well.