Suppressed Anger

Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist again. The last week I've been having crushing headaches. I thought it might just be stress or side-effects from the meds. But she said it's from suppressed anger.

The funny thing is, the moment she said that, I immediately knew who and what I was angry at: My ex. So I went home and while I was in the shower, I started thinking about why I am angry at her, and I believe I have reason to be angry. So far I have been suprressing it, in fear of losing control and to start going f*cking insane with rage again. But as I was standing in the shower I just became angrier and angrier! And for once, this was focussed, justified rage. Usually I was just angry. Angry, shouting punching things, banging my head against the wall. But it was just anger, not about something or someone, just anger that was triggered by something.
It was the strangest feeling, being angry at someone for something specific that they did. But it was still insane anger. I was standing in the shower hissing and grunting like a bull about to charge. My knuckles were white. I was so angry at my ex! Rage. Like I haven't felt TOWARD someone in a very very long time.
But the worst was when I was cooking later. I had a knife in my hand. And for once, while being overcome by such rage, the blade was pointing away from me. It has never pointed away from me when I was in this state. But then, something that still scares the living f*cking sh!t out of me. I saw myself stabbing my ex in the belly! WTF??? What da hell was happening to me? What kind of thought was that?? I'm really really scared! Why would I think something like that?? It was only a split second thought, but I can't get over the fact that I thought it!!! I was angry, justifiably angry, but she just f*cked with my emotions, nothing to justify stabbing her???

Guys, I am so scared. I'm not scared I'll do anything. But I am scared of myself and my own thoughts! I do not know this person in my head!!! WTF kind of thought was that?????

Hey. That was an intense post. I can totally relate to being terrified of ones self. Do you have PTSD by any chance? It sounded like a flashback. I get those sometimes. I supress an emotion, it can be any one of them, and it becomes really intense. The last one I had in march. I tried to commit suicide. At that moment I felt so weak and just tired. So I did it. It wasn't me that night. It was like all control had been taken away from me. Like there was someone else. I'm toying with the idea of dissociative identity disorder. It is more common in people who have PTSD because it is caused by the mind trying to protect itself. A coping mechanism. If you relate to what I have said, private message me and we will talk. (piece of self info...) I do not share my deep feelings and experiences in a public place. It terrifies me. I hope this has helped.

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. One thing to try to reassure you is we all have thoughts that are dark and wrong. For example i imagine shooting my abusers in the head and what that would look like. I would never do it, just like you would never stab your ex, but the thought is there. Please do not beat yourself up too much about this but if you find you are getting angry a lot you may find that some anger management classes would be helpful.

Cracked

I have read up about PTSD before. It might be possible in the sense that when I was in a relationship with this girl, there were stages that I was constantly in fear of her breaking me down emotionally. Scared that she'd call me spineless or a coward and that she hates me. There was that constant fear.

But when this happened the other night, it wasn't like I was out of control. Hell, I was cooking at the time! And it's not that I went into auto-pilot at the time, coz well, I don't cook. I was even trying out a different method for frying a steak. But I was furious and filled with rage at the time. I did almost split a wooden bread board in half when I impaled it with a steak knife. It didn't feel like it was someone else though.

I feel scared since I have never had thoughts like this before. I have had homicidal thoughts, but nothing this direct and in such detail!

I can relate.

In the manic episode I had two weeks ago, it built & built & the last serious day of mania I woke up with intense anger at my brother who abused me. I had to go to the mental hospital because neither I or him was safe from me. They increased my anti-psychotic & mood-stabilizer & I feel much better after having intense anger for many days when I woke up. Sometimes the anger wasn't even directed at him but at everything. But the first, most serious, day it was.

Perhaps it's part of a manic episode?

If you think you or her is in danger, I suggest you talk seriously to your psychiatrist about this or check yourself into the hospital for a few days. I hope not but I would caution you to keep it in mind if this continues with the same intensity.

-MM.