New Here

I think I'm new here. I can't even remember anymore. I was diagnosed Bipolar Rapid Cycler back in February at 45 years old. I've had a hard time accepting it. The PDocs have had a hard time controlling it. Sometimes I even feel like she's mad at me because of all the different meds she's tried, nothing seems to work. She wanted me off of the Klenopin because it's so addictive, but it's the only thing that works for me for the high anxiety that I have. I'm also on Paxil. Tried Zoloft, but that only increased my anxiety. I'm also on 750 mg of Depakote ER a day which is why I'm posting, but I'll get to that in a minute! I also took the ........... shoot, what is the name of the one that goes hand-in-hand with Depakote and you have to watch for rashes? The one that you gradually increase the dose? Anyway, was on that one too, but it was causing some rapid dreams........ like the kind where you feel like you have a remote in your hand when you're sleeping. My last visit to the PDoc (4 weeks ago) when I told her this was when I felt like she had it with me. She took me off and told me that her only choice now was to leave me on the Klenopin, Paxil and Depakote. Well dang........ ain't my fault, is it? I'm currently on my employer's disability which I can remain on until February 2007. I don't wanna stay on it.......... I want my life back!! The PDoc said I might want to consider applying for SSI. NO! I want my life back! I also see a therapist who is great. I have to trust that between the two of them, they will get my life back!! This is totally ridiculous! Am I in denial? No. I've accepted it, but I'm pissed about it. I want my life back!

Anyway.......... I go back to see the PDoc the 2nd week of July or I might call her before then depending on what y'all tell me. I don't want to upset her again though. I'm losing hair like there's no tomorrow. It's coming out in hand fulls. I bought a special shampoo and scalp therapy from my hairdresser and am trying that, but it's still coming out. All I have to do is run my hand thru it and I have a hand full of hair. It's the Depokate, isn't it? I read somewhere that it's a common side effect. Does it stop? I just started noticing it in the last 6 weeks although I've been on the Depokate since February. Has anyone else experienced this? I guess I need to know how to approach my PDoc about this. I don't want to go bald! I know that some side effects eventually stop.......... so I'm waiting to hear y'all's experience with this. In the meantime, I'll continue to use this blue thick stuff I bought that I would SWEAR was DOG SHAMPOO!!!!

Thanks for any input and suggestions!!