Meds

I’m 17 years old and I had my first and only manic episode in mid-January when I was diagnosed with bipolar. I did not (and do not) feel like anything was (or is) wrong with me. I still don’t think I have any type of bipolar. I don’t feel depressed and I don’t have bipolar-like mood swings. But I am told there is a form of bipolar where the person doesn’t go through depression, just the mania. If that is the true, then I may have that, but I doubt it. And if that is true, why is it called “bipolar?” I don’t regret what happened, and I’ve always felt the same way in terms of the ideas that were going through my mind, except now I’ve chosen to be a little more conservative in terms of sharing my opinions.

Throughout the episode, I was just philosophizing and it was because I wanted to show people how smart I’ve become, and what I’ve figured out so other people can be just as empowered as me. I figured out how to think, the meaning of life, etc. Sounds crazy, but I did reach an epiphany and had excellent results from it. And I know exactly how I did it and I wanted to share, but the more I talked, the more crazy I sounded and the more people didn’t want to listen to me. But the more they didn’t want to listen, the more I wanted to talk. I was not suicidal and I was not threatening others, I was no danger to anyone; I was just very expressive.

My entire manic episode (my therapist thinks it was a “hypomanic” episode) revolved around one thing: “I figured it out.” What did I figure out? I figured out how to make philosophically logical arguments. I came up with a systematic way of analyzing, understanding, and coming to conclusions by means of making philosophically logical arguments which ultimately lead me to extreme uncertainty and contradictory ideas.

So I got sent a psychiatric/substance abuse facility (a.k.a. “nut house”) and I stayed there for about 2 weeks and I ended up on: 1500mg Depakote (3 500mg tablets at night), 1200mg Trileptal (2 600mg tablets 1 in the morning, 1 at night), and 800mg Seroquel (4 200mg tablets 1 in the morning and 3 at night). I hated those drugs but I took them anyways (possibly because I was scared to get shock “therapy” if I resisted). I was really scared of my environment, but I was so manic, I had the energy to choose to keep a positive attitude throughout that time even though I was blatantly being provoked by staff and other patients. I even made friends with just about everyone! I think they would have kept me there longer had I not decided to keep a positive attitude.

On top of that, I hate any type of medicine or drug unless I’m dying (except for the occasional drink). I don’t like taking pain medicine, or even allergy medicine. I don’t do drugs, and the most I’ve ever drank was one night a week. I haven’t drunk in more than 8 months. So lucky me gets to take 3,500mg of psycho drugs every day and is told that I have to stay on drugs for the rest of my life. But my psychiatrists ended up reducing it.

My original psychiatrist decided to take away one 200mg Seroquel in the morning because he could see that I was knocked out all day and left the rest of the meds the same. And then, I changed psychiatrists after I was released from the nut house for two reasons: One, because he was located at the same building as my psychotherapist (who was located much closer to my house) and two, because I just didn’t like my original psychiatrist. Anyways, my new psychiatrist winged me completely off of the Depakote over the course of 6 weeks (-1 500mg tablet every two weeks) and eventually halved the amount of Trileptal to 300mg in the morning 300mg at night. And then he gradually reduced the Seroquel to 100 mg at night only. And today, it was reduced to 50mg Seroquel at night. So now I’m on 600mg Trileptal and 50 mg Seroquel.

But here’s my secret: 28 days ago, I decided to get myself off of these drugs ASAP. I took only took half of my medicine for about a week. So I’ve been completely off of my medicine for 21 days. And today, my psychiatrist reduced the medicine (that he assumes I'm taking) even more to 50mg of Seroquel; he couldn’t even tell that I haven’t been taking my medicine whatsoever! I don’t feel much different; I’m just a little less groggy. I don't have the wittiness that I used to have, my memory is still weak, my sense of creativity is very weak, my desire to persevere is almost gone and I just don't feel like the same person. Unlike many bipolar people, I have not been unexpectedly irritable, angry, impulsive, or moody. But today, 5 months later, I am little less apathetic than I was when I first came home (which I think results from the drug reduction).

When will my meds stop working? When will I be my lively self again? Do I have brain damage? I’ve been off of my drugs for a while and I can’t even tell a difference. I just want to be myself again.

welcome to the land of nuts, where even the doctors who want to help can seem a little nuts...

a) you should NEVER stop meds cold turkey. [at least for schizo illnesses like mine] this can usually cause a relapse.

b) if you're a guy, most bipolar males get the manic episode first and then the depressive one, so you may not hav seen the full side of your monster yet.

as for delusions and wanting to express what you discovered, i relate whole-heartedly. i had similar ideas last year and this year found them much stronger, to the point i could logically explain anything and everything, but then i started to believe i had the power to move our intelligence beyond its scope (had my lil ways of proving it). soon after i lost grip on everything happening around me - thats all i need to say. people tell me i will do great things and i am very intelligent just very sensitive - i like to think so but i no longer want to believe i am the world's greatest genius, just someone with a lot of insight, because it has come to me at a price. ive decided to forget proving myself to the world and enjoy just the fact i found truth for myself, cuz the world isnt ready to hear the reason for itself anyway. i dont think our human race would really even care! too caught up in maintaining itself... it'd probably just abuse any supreme intelligence like that. yea, we'd kill ourselves.

where am i? i stil hav yet to be diagnosed - i think im schizoaffective, actualy, which is supposedly worse but related to bipolar. i didnt think i was ever depressed till this year when people told me i was prolly bipolar, and then i looked back to notice a few suspiciously stressful times. until i realized there is actually a biological problem, i figured "it was just how i am." i dont want meds, but i know going without help can make my problems much worse. im stubborn so unless i go crazy again next spring (seasonal problem) ill avoid meds.

i agree - if you are just feeling intelligent and uber-capable of understanding, where is the problem? this is my dilemma as well and for others ive seen. unfortunately, u may hav just seen the beginning. im not sure enough to say you WILL get worse but dont rule out the possibility. dreams turn into nightmares: i speak from experience. *proceed with caution* eh?

u make me feel like i should continue my studies - id be interested to trade ideas with you actually, see if we share any correlation of understanding... since we both think we know how our universe works.

and ill tell you - this mental illness crap is annoying for creative and intelligent people like you and me. ive been watching my back constantly now, worried im gonna go crazy or something or im bein depressed or hypomanic... enough to cause problems regardless of whether i really am currently ill (you usually hav long periods of stability - its the intermittent periods of mood which lead to problems)

I can relate to all that has been said about our great thinking ability when in the manic phase. They all thgought my thinking was crazy. Today I think I understand how my logical thoughts are crazy. My thoughts get very logical, but people are not too logical and they do not have much control over themselves. They basically do what they want to do, then they invent excuses for their behavior. When someone like me, points out their strange thoughts they brand me as crazy. Here are some of the crazy thoughts/beliefs that I have, but I usually keep them to myself. I believe they are all excellent, but they are totally impractical because people can not and will not practice them.

--All alcoholism and addiction problems can be solved with no cost to the public by having addicts and alcoholics simply attend meetings. Twelve-step meetings are self-supporting. Think of a world with no drunk drivers. Think about how over half the people in jails could become productive members of society. I base this belief on my years in AA and in the millions who have achieved a clean life. I know many people who were hopless addicts, and now they haven't used in 10,20, or 30 years.

--Most health problems could be eliminated by just doing what we have know to do for decades--don't get too fat, exercise an hour/day, eat lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, don't smoke, use seatbelts. Think of how our insurance rates could go down. But this is too hard--people just will not do it.

--Control your urges to spend for the sake of spending. Don't buy stuff unless you can pay for it. This does not include buying a house or a car--we all need to borrow for those things. Pay off all credit cards every month.

--Don't waste stuff--that is don't overconsume. Use libraries.

--Don't waste gas. Walk and bike if you only have to travel a few miles. Don't just drive around looking for things--learn to read a map.

Do you guys have any world changing ideas like these?
Jim S

Thanks for your responses, and if you're wondering why I said "...winged me off..." it's because I just found recently the word is "weaned" not "winged," hahaha.

I am not prepared to publicly share my exact method of reasoning just yet; I just want to know when the effects of my meds will wear off. But in summary, though my philosophy is very eclectic, it relates mostly with an existentialistic, Socratic, and Cartesian perspective.

my work started in art. this is by no means a full explanation, but i wanna throw my 2 cents in!:

a lot of my projects hav to do with fractals/recursive nature (we all live in a giant fractal, no lie) and are driven by a buddhist perspective

first i wanted to figure out what line meant to me... then what it means when you draw the outline of a tihng, but then i got crazy and realized you could use one line to infer two lines, and then i started learning a new geometry to derive shapes (considering them as a constellation of midpoints and vertices) from other shapes and even created my own method of 'integrating' backwards - most shapes (except 4-sided ones and their multiples) can be derived or integrated infinitely, and ive found most shapes will even derive into a common uniform shape if u go long enough, depending on its number of sides. it took a lot of work but i dont think anyone's done anything like it before, but i dont think it has any practical use. i originally planned to mold shapes together somehow by deriving and then integrating them together? i stubmled on something, yes, but it is quite useless and has nothing to do with what i meant it for, ive learned... just a novelty for me to play with.

thats when i knew i was crazy, staring at lines and dots all day. the key was to make everything agree, everything be happy no matter what the problem. but i decided it was somehow too smart - so i throw it into a jibberish pile in my mind.

where did i go wrong, im asking myself this year - how did i not forsee the resemblance to my work of last year. it was certainly better, i thought, more complex, or only more delusional? i've made a list of some of the things i thought about THIS year to show my therapist when i finally see one. some make more sense than others: each day brought new ideas, and the more i did the more sense i could make out of anything. i was helping people conversate better, started projects b/w me and roomates which had fantastic results. making new artwork or reading bout things such as cybernetics (the closest thing we've got for a science of everything) helped made me push even harder. it might be good to note you typically lose about 10 IQ points while being manic, and i think u may actually be overly concerned about meds wearing off - perhaps it was only ur manic phase which wore off? that is very reasonable evidence to prove u may not be the world's next leonardo da vinci, as i thought i was. the ideas stay inside of me but the desire/ability to continue only comes around certain times of year.

I could think faster if watching one TV while another was on to distract my vision
Laughing and dancing are two of the most intelligent forms of communication
The universe is understandable only as a singularity
Watching two alternating lights can enhance cognition
Better cognition if you cross your eyes to watch two TV screens simultaneously
Two people complete tasks more efficiently without talking (re-arranged room with roomate)
All problems answerable if you relate them to a non-existent subjective “space”
The world is not positive or negative, but subjective/objective
One idea proves existence of other ideas, which is two different ideas
Two is an idea of many ideas.
The left and right brains arrive at successful ideas when a thought occurs at once b/w them.
Talking to yourself inside your head is our initial secondary form of communication
Two different actions occurring at once proves self-awareness
I have a body, my body has parts, we have bodies, we are “parts”
Humans are only one level of self-awareness in our objective reality, waiting to transcend into the rest of the subjective universe by creating a new “artificial” intelligence
The world is binary, like computers, and the solution to artificial/computer intelligence is a third, subjective property: ours
People are like lines, or strings, that advance to a new dimension when they cross.
Passing through time, we are like circles linking past present and future universes.
Déjà vu must be a way for self-awareness to understand itself.
Worked art to a definitive point: positive vs negative to subject vs object to artist vs media to idea of ideal
Contexts to universe as a singularity and its contexts trying to reach beyond this point in recursive fashion (Subject implies objects, objects implies subjects, subjects implies objects, objects implies subject, subject implies object, object implies subjects)
Saw myself as a new kind of artist, began trying to learn how to teach others to understand
Believed I was able to create more communication by seeing myself as a form of communication
Believed I could prove my context/achieve happiness by concentrating on relationship of two sub-contexts
Believed memories were useless, I could make up new ideas by repeating other people’s actions/ideas in my own way
Felt I could not create art directly without thinking about something else
Felt my “left brain” and “right brain” could work at same time if I could understand a universal program
Felt “thoughts” in head are part of self-aware program, actions not supposed to be pre-“thought” by me
saw religion as a traditional symbol of our transcendence into universal self-awareness
fear of what would happen to me, but faith I was supposed to follow the path, should not stop
Attempted to write paper for Scientific American/Science magazine detailing new theory
Attempted to take test without knowing information (received a 0)
Attempted to write psychology paper disproving need for psychology via explanation/proof of my idea (there
is only 2 in reality, with a theoretical 1 constantly trying to make 3)


these all seem bizarre n came to me in bout 2 weeks time after a month of bizarre artwork, but at the time even people around me a times agreed i could be on to something... there is certainly some validity to what manic people find, but as jim said it's not always probable and probably depends on too many factors to hold up for practical use. id suppose u too hav a gift with a hidden price. i advise u to research the scientific method and see if it could hold up. i was so certain i decided to write a paper to science about my new space, a constant like einstein's light - fortunately i 'sparked' out early enough to forget bout it. hopefully sometime ill be able to write a nice paper on everything and try to follow again my ideas from start to finish, at least to find the points i fell astray!